Keep in mind that before this year started, that lofty 30-24 record looked more like 24-24, also known as “five hundred” to football followers, also known to the rest of the universe as the definition of mediocre. And yet here we are. After three and a half seasons of up and down play, the Minnesota Vikings are reportedly in heavy talks with Brad Childress to have him sign a contract extension, most likely over the bye week. Here are some facts. Childress took over a Vikings team in 2006 that had gone 9-7 the previous year with absolutely zero talent. ZERO TALENT I SAY! That 9-7 team had a leading passer of Brad Johnson and a leading receiver as Travis Taylor. They went fucking 9-7 and were coached my Mike Tice. Childress came in and had almost the same team, nay a better team, go 6-10. Holy cunt. For this, he gets an extension? But let’s delve deeper. I’ll give credit where credit is due. Childress has more recently become amiable to the media and fans and has shown his delightfully dry wit and humor. I enjoy that occasionally. Really. I actually bet he’d be a fun guy to hang out with. And he does have an awesome beard now-a-days, so that’s a positive for him as well. He also has won two more games each season he has been the coach, although handicapping the need for improvement every season by going 6-10 to start was kind of low … or complete genius. In addition, the overall talent level of the team has gone from smeared horse shit to quite impressive, honestly. Now, the addition of talent on a team doesn’t completely fall on Childress’ shoulders, so he shouldn’t receive all of these glorious accolades for having Purple Jesus fall in his lap, Darrell Bevell having close relations with Favre or Pro Bowl caliber talent already on the squad when he became coach. But Childress is the coach of these players and he has coached them to consistent improvement and one playoff appearance. Of course, he lost that winnable game and looked like a total buffoon on the sidelines throughout the entire process. And this is just the tip of the ice berg with Childress that any Vikings fan could inform you about. Whether we start discussing his asinine training camp patterns early in his career, his bizarre favoritism for players and callus handling and releasing of team members, his disgusting clock management tactics throughout the game and especially in his two minute drill, his insistence on a three yard dump off pass to Tahi on third and long, his penchant for hand cuffing quarterbacks to run his archaic system despite his legacy of developing great gun slingers like … McNabb? I mean, compiling this list could take up my entire day and in the end it would just make you want to drive your face through a grandma’s vagina, so I will instead not dabble on Childress’ faults longer than necessary. But the point remains. This guy is a mediocre football coach who has shown minor improvement over a three year span. Some of that improvement may be due to coaching, some may be due to undeniable talent on the team. For instance, if the Vikings didn’t have Favre on their roster they would be a 3-2 team right now, easily. Did Childress coach his quarterback to those six wins? Fuck and no. As much as I hate to say it, Favre did, and if you need a reason to dislike the Silver Fox anymore, now he’s bringing Childress a contract extension. Remember, when Favre is gone, Childress will still be here, as will all of the other shitty quarterbacks that he’s brought to this team. And most likely, he’ll continue to do just enough to squeak by and not get shit canned. And that’s just the fucking worse. With the absolute glut of awesome coaches that are currently available on the coaching market, how great do you think the Vikings would be if they just let Childress run his contract out and then brought in someone, anyone, that is currently blubbering like a Kornheiser in the TV booths? Cowher? Shanahan? Gruden? Dungy? Holmgren? Holy. Fucking. Shit. That is like a cast of Super Bowl winning coaches that make my pants bulge, and yet we’re considering giving Childress an extension??! When did we start buying sugar snacks from Jeff Dubay? Any one of these coaches could come into our shitty division and have it locked up with the team’s talent for an entire decade. No problem. Even some craptastic coordinators in the AFC or NFC South could come coach this team and bring in the wins. Listen, Wilf, I kind of get it. Business wise, it’s a tough move not to make, especially with Childress’ approval rating on the rise. Regardless of why, the coach is at 6-0 and could easily be 7-1 heading into the team’s bye week. I haven’t double checked this, so you could correct me if I am wrong – not likely, you bastards – but I believe this is Childress’ second to last year on his original contract. If you just let him play out the season and then did a contract after you saw how he performed in the playoffs again, which I would much rather do, that could be a little dicey heading into a final season with no guarantee. But that’s what you’ve done with the players, right? Why not the coach? Make him really earn this thing, before he craps all over my team for three or four more years. Alas, this will probably not happen. Thusly, I would hope that Zygi would implement these conditions into Childress’ newest contract language:
- Relinquish all play calling duties on offense, defense and special teams. Childress may remain head coach in name only and so as not offend the mighty Beard. – Childress is only allowed to have his field goal unit attempt, at maximum, three field goals per game. The other opportunities must be attempts to drive up the score with a touchdown, also known as not pussing out. – Any and all future quarterbacks brought to the team will be decided upon from outside of Childress’ preference. In fact, any vote of confidence from Childress for a given quarterback will have the exact opposite effect, essentially black listing the player from all Vikings consideration. No racist by using the word “black”. – Tarvaris Jackson will never, ever, ever, never, ever, never start another game at quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings. In fact, the quarterback depth chart for the remainder of the year will read Brett Favre, Sage Rosenfels, and Sidney Rice as the emergency third string quarterback. – Childress must allow J to spend one night each year in his house and bed, preferably after Saint Patrick’s Day. – A loss to the Lions remains grounds for immediate termination. – Any reemergence of the pedophile mustache is also grounds for immediate termination. But your wife can stay.
If these rules were implemented, I may be ok with a Childress extension. Have any stipulations that you’d like to see in his contract? Put them in the comments. In the mean time, let’s just hope for the best.