A List of Things I’d Rather Do with $1.4 Million

Really fighting through those are tackles ...

Really fighting through those arm tackles ...

The Vikings matched the Bengals offer sheet that was signed free agent full back Naufahu Tahi today, meaning that fans can finally stop wringing their hands over whether or not they’ll be able to witness another one yard dump off pass to an inept fullback who will immediately fall down before a defender touches him. Purple Jesus was under the impression that they already had someone on the roster that could accomplish this, and is was funnier and more jovial in Jim Kleinsasser, but apparently you can never have too much of a good thing.

So, in essence, what a great way for a team looking to cobble together enough money to buy a new stadium and increase fan support than to offer a worthless fullback $1.4 Million dollars in a terrible economy. Instead of letting this aborted fetus flail aimlessly into the back of a diminishing offensive line, here are some other ideas of how the Vikings management could have better spent $1.4 Million:

– Take that money and invest it into alternative energy sources. By 2025, the team should have enough money to pay for a quarter of their billion dollar stadium that will undoubtedly look like Moby Dick’s massive whale cock axed in half by a crazed Viking pirate, painted a bloody purple and filled with adoring fans.

–  For the 2009 football season, they could have bought 1.4 million plush Ragnar dolls that they could distribute to every fan that walks through the Metrodome doors. For those that don’t voluntarily take one, they could be dropped from the upper rafters at a high velocity and potentially land in patrons’ beers, which would be hilarious and amazing.

– With $1.4 million, the team could buy the concessions out from the Metrodome and the local sports commission and increase the quality of concession food. No more Dome Dogs that have been sitting in toilet water for three consecutive weeks; now fans can look forward to Norwegian sausage, cured in the belly of a goat and bled on by the blondest of virgins! I’d pay king’s ransom for that.

– We can give Naufahu Tahi the $1.4 million, and then have him under contract. We could then trade him to the Bengals, since they clearly wanted him, with ridiculous demands. These would include; a foot long corndog perfect fried, a ten pound container of Red Vines, an authentic molar from the exhumed skull of Paul Brown, naked pictures from the entire dance squad with subsequent pictures of half of them painted in bengal stripes yet if any photos show their face the deal is off, a pack of mint chocolate Milano cookies, the rights to LeBron James, and they also have to take Childress. And then I would consider this a fair deal.

– The Vikings could have taken that money and donated it to starving children around the world, or, they could have booked a charter jet and flown to the poorest countries in the world and walked around them in fine designer suits while eating the juiciest of peaches as they smiled at the cracked lips and bloated stomachs of those less fortunate.

– They could have taken that money and bought all new uniforms that don’t look like a retard designed Special Olympics leotards.

– With $1.4 million they could have implemented a fantastic wireless internet server in the Metrodome, which would both attract visitors to use the internet for free as well as provided added entertainment for users with access to it while the Vikings are on offense.

Any other ideas? Feel free to list them in the comments and make sure to penny pinch yourself so that you can finally purchase your very own Naufahu Tahi jersey!

/cuts wrists

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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