Advice with Rice – 15 Will Get You 20

Having had his own trouble with certain women, Vikings wide receiver Sidney Rice has taken it upon himself to help others with any relationship issues that they may be having in his own column entitled “Advice with Rice”. Have a relationship or sex question that you think Rice may answer? Feel free to email us at purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com !

Rice advice? Never wear socks.

Rice advice? Never wear socks.

Q: Hey Sidney! I’m a 16 year old in high school, and I still haven’t kissed a girl for the first time yet. I’ve been trying too! But every time I find out that I really like a girl, I end up obsessing about her and then she thinks I’m a creep and never talks to me. Usually, we start off as pretty good friends, and then she wants nothing to do with me. Is it the poems that I always write for them, or is it that I’m always staring at them in class? What should I do, and how do I get a girl to kiss me?

- Sweet Sixteen

A: SS, you’re overplaying your hand. It sounds like you’re trying to be a real nice and sensitive guy. The problem with girls that don’t appreciate poems and eye fuckings is that they aren’t looking for a great boyfriend at your tender age, and trust me, they are so tender at that age. You have two options. First, you can change your priorities. You really want to kiss someone? Well, it sounds like the only teenage girls that would want to kiss you are the ones that wear turtle necks and carry their books over their breasticles. You need to realize that you’re either stuck with that sack of potatoes, which means they may never kiss you, or you need to find a different type of girl. And by different type of girl, I mean some hot piece of jail bait ass that is going to wear knee high socks, practice knobin’ on popsicles, and sit spread eagle at their desk. If you don’t get a kiss from them it’s because their mouth is too busy catching a mouthful of your peach fuzz. You’re welcome.

Q: Dear Rice, my husband and I have been happily married for 18 years. We have two children and are both really busy with work, so we don’t get as much alone time as we both would like. Recently he has been working longer hours and has seemed even more uninterested in our physical contact than normal. I love my husband and trust him implicitly, but I can’t help but think that he is finding a solution to his physical needs outside of our busy household. How do I figure out if he’s cheating on me or not? I’m desperate and afraid.

- Can’t Help Everyone All The Time

A: Listen, CHEATT, if you’re husband is not being faithful to you, this could open up some great opportunity. Seriously, it sounds like the life that the two of you share is pretty boring. I think what you need is the body of some foreign man rubbing against you, maybe getting some strange new musk stuck in your hair. Hire a pool boy, find an intern at your office, just do anything to put yourself in his shoes so you can better understand what it’s like to leave your family behind. Kind of exciting? You bet your ass. Immoral? Depends on if you get herpes and then don’t tell him. You think he’s mentioned to you that he’s had to go to the doctor several times to get and STD checked out? Look at your medical bills honey, you know it’s there. And then, if he confronts you about it and honestly answers that he’s never had an affair, open the idea up to him, or maybe the idea of a gang bang at least so that you can both call it even, and that should ease any worries. CHEATT, I think the only thing you’re afraid of is having a good time.

Q: Sidney, I got a problem that I need to confess to someone. I think I am addicted to underage girls. Ever since I was in college, I’d peruse high schools and offer rides home to lonely girls. I don’t want to get in to too many details, but I frequently solicited oral sex and other sexual favors from them, all consenting. Even though the acts were consensual I’m afraid that if anyone finds out that I’ll be ruined. I know I can’t stop though. What should I do?

- 15 Will Get You 20

A: 15WGY20, where’s the problem? Are the girls too old? Do you think junior high is more up your alley? Are you trying to nail more high class high school poon and not having any luck? Listen, shoot me an email and I’ll take you to some of my hot spots, ok? We’ll have a great time.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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