Advice with Rice: Potato Sacks, Projectile Vomit and Knuckles Deep

Having had his own trouble with certain women, Vikings wide receiver Sidney Rice has taken it upon himself to help others with any relationship issues that they may be having in his own column entitled “Advice with Rice”. Have a relationship or sex question that you think Rice may be able to answer? Feel free to email us at purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com !

 

Rice advice? Never wear socks.

Rice advice? Never wear socks.

 

Q: Hey Sid, great to see you back in action, but action is exactly my issue! I’ve met the girl of my dreams, which isn’t the problem, and never was while we were first dating. She was an absolute terror in the sack, and I mean that to the Nth degree. She would take her nails to my back like she was the female Wolverine and for a solid year I could only purchase red sheets to hide the blood flowing from my back every single evening and morning. Seriously, my back looked worse than Marko Jaric’s face. But now, after three years of dating and one year of living together, our sex life has really dumbed down. Instead of an insatiable appetite and a constant hair show in the bedroom, she tends to be stiff during sex like an androgynous Barbie doll. We’ve been blandly fucking missionary style for eight months now and it’s driving me crazy. What can I do to get this sex cat back to her purring ways?

- Pulled Out Tonight And Turned Over

A: You know, POTATO, I’ve heard this a lot before. Initially, I can only think that it must be your fault because you’re penis must have grown smaller, but if that was the case, it sounds like she was putting on a hell of a magic show during the first several years you two were together. Although I am sure shrinkage has happened to you (Hey, you’re no Sidney Rice or Shiancoe for that matter), that doesn’t seem like the reason she has lost her growl. Just like an old cat, she’s become complacent. You need to force her into it one night, and since you two are together and have been for a while, it’s not really rape. Think bicycle; once you get her back on she won’t get off. And by “on” I mean on your cock, obvi. And hey, if this doesn’t work? Trade her in for a young cat, like a kitten, which may or may not be 17 years old. And blond. Mmmmm.

He hit it.

He hit it.

Q: Hey Rice, got a question for you. I’m in a committed relationship, and I am a dude that loooooves blow jobs. There’s just one problem; my girlfriend has a horrible gag reflex and adverse effect to having anything cock shaped her mouth. I mean, literally, she will start projectile vomiting if she is eating a banana, popsicle, whole cucumber (I don’t know why she would, but …) or uses a straw. I’m at my wits end. I want a blowskie so bad but don’t want to cheat on my GF. The only way I see me getting my wish though, without her puking all over my cock, is to go outside of the relationship. What should I do??

- Very Offended Male In Troy

A: Well, lucky for you, VOMIT, I learned a thing or two recently about how to get around the whole puking issue. Really, it’s all about personal motivation and drive. Recently, when I was training with Larry Fitzgerald and Cris Carter in Minneapolis, they ran me through some workouts where, when I was only half way done, I was throwing up my insides like your lady had just put a Subway Party Sub in her mouth. I thought that was it, I couldn’t go any further. But I’ve learned that if you want to be the best, you have to fight through all sorts of adversity and obstacles that stand in your way. For me, that means being the best receiver possible. For your lady, that may mean keeping her man in the fold(s of her mouth). Let her know that her reward for fighting through a gag on your cock will be a satisfied man in her life, and only in her life. That should be her goal and enough motivation to get past the rising of bile in her throat. Also, it sounds like you have some reservations to having someone regurgitating all over your meat flute. Don’t. Get over it, or maybe even encourage it, and a whole new door of sexy can open up.

sr003

A: I’ve been seeing a girl now for a couple of months and things have been going really well. She’s been great in bed and we’ve both been opening up Pandora’s Box of Mind Blowing Sexy Times recently, trying lots of new shit that is both frightening and titillating. While I’m enjoying this adolescent experimentation and freedom, she has learned a couple of things recently and held on them as her “moves” that I am less than fond of. Notably, she enjoys jamming a well manicured nail into my rectum two knuckles deep every time she is gurgling on my sheboygan. This isn’t a terrible thing, and the first couple of times it was quite rewarding, but my asshole has gone raw now and I don’t think I can continue to take this anymore. What do I tell this girl? Is it ok to critique her? I’m afraid that if I tell her I don’t like what she’s doing that this whole mad scientist experiment will go out the shitter (pun intended) and I’ll be left with boring nakedness. Suggestions?

- Really Awesome Woman

Q: Oof. That’s a tough one, RAW. You never want to tame a wild horse but if you are able to do so the rewards may be huge. Look at it like this; all you are really trying to do is help her get better at something she already enjoys doing. While she’s latched on to one specific move, let her know that by starting with one move she’s opened doors to other opportunities that you’d be willing to explore as well, while at the same time mentioning specifics that you already do and don’t like that you can build on with your next steps. It’s like what Cris Carter was doing with me the other day. I know how to run routes, but he was giving me specific details that will help exponentially in the long run, building off of the things I’ve already developed. That’s what the two of you should be doing. She’s already into finger buttholes, so why not see what else is out there to try, so long as it doesn’t leave you bleeding from your rectum. If you tell her this genuinely without discrediting her, it should be smooth. Unlike your swollen balloon knot.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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