Break a Leg, Madden

This year, the cultural phenomenon known as Madden Football will try to milk even more attention than normal. Instead of throwing an unwarranted release party to reveal their cover athlete, they will slowly roll out a list of nine potential stars that are being considered for the 2010 video game. Today EA Sports has released the first four candidates in their list, leaving one popular Vikings a little perturbed …

 

Ha ha, seriously, I am Jesus though

Ha ha, seriously though Zygi, you're scaring the shit out of me

Boy, I sure love playing video games. I like playing as the Vikings most of the time and actually going through Tarvaris’ reads better than he would himself. We’re pretty much unstoppable. I always hand the ball off to myself and have won multiple MVP awards, Super Bowls, and broken all standard NFL running back records. I even turned down an opportunity to move the Vikings to Los Angeles in the game, because I know it would be the thing that God would have wanted me to do. Yup, I guess everything has turned out pretty decent for the Vikings in the virtual football world.

Wait, what’s this? Potential new Madden 2010 cover athletes? Well let’s take a look shall we? … Oh, Heaven no!

Oh, hell no!

Oh, Heaven no!

No way! No! Bad! You will not put me on that cover! Purple Jesus Christ, who approved this?? Are you serious here? Are we not fully aware of what happens to people when they become the Madden cover athlete? Com’on, idiots, are you for real? Like I don’t already have a bunch of retard pundits hawking over me that I have long term injury concerns, now you have to throw this weight on my shoulders? Unbelievable. Do you think my chances of injury would be lower when I’m trucking walking vaginas throughout an entire game? I mean, I am out there knocking down their doors like I’m Charlie Weis at the Chocolate Factory, or Plaxico at a gun shop. I’m bound to get some more injuries, and I sure as Heaven don’t need the help of the Madden Curse to get there! That idiot Merril Hodge is probably going to blow his powder puff load all over his tight wad pants at the thought of being able to call me overrated. Damnit!

No, I don’t care. I don’t care how many people would love to see me on the cover. You saw what happened to Ray Lewis in 2005. Dude got injured and missed half the season. This was after he was two time Defensive Player of the Year, and after winning a Super Bowl. Oh, let’s just throw him on the cover now and watch his career end! Great idea! And how about Shaun Alexander in 2007? MVP to absolute sink hole in one season. The nicest guy in the universe gets put on the Madden cover and then is run out of town after injuring his foot. Grand. Vince Young 2008? Ever seen him do anything good? Maybe was a bit too late, but I’m pretty sure he’s on suicide watch permanently now. That falls under the category of DO NOT WANT!, people. Leave me out of this.

Why not give it to someone who really deserves it, like AJ Hawk, Aaron Rodgers, Devin Hester or Jay Cutler? Yeah! I mean, it couldn’t happen to nicer players or better fan bases. Think! The Madden Cover has always been doing this backwards! They put people that are already accomplished on the cover! They need something new, something fresh, a fresh face to promote and build the game around. It would be a fantastic marketing move for the NFL and EA Sports in general. It’s fool proof! EA would be brain dead Terri Shaivo style if they didn’t at least consider this.

Seriously though, cut this shit out. It’s not funny.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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