Brett Favre & Sears: A Microcosm of the Quarterback’s Life

Somewhere in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, a rusty old pickup grinds to a halt as Brett Favre steps out and walks into a local Sears appliance store, seemingly determined to purchase a new washer and dryer … or is he?

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Brett Favre: Alright Brett, nice and easy. You can do this. You know exactly what you need to do here. Deanna sent you on a very specific mission with very direct specifications. “Go to Sears”. Check. “Pick out a new washer and dryer combination”. On it. “Whatever color you want, just make sure it’s energy efficient and can four cubic feet of space.” Hm. Lot’s to keep in mind here but that sounds manageable. “Don’t freak out about buyin’ somethin’ and just commit to it, you prick”. Ok … seems easy enough. Let’s get to work.

(Walks with conviction towards the entrance doors. The doors slide open and the glory of a Sears store assaults Brett’s sense, weakening his knees.)

BF: Aw damn, I love these stores. Look at all these items I could buy! I just … I want to purchase them all right now, but I know I shouldn’t. Or should I? No, be strong Brett. Deanna gave you some very specific ideas here of what we need. Let’s just get in, and get out. I mean, you’ve been throwin’ interceptions for years under pressure, how hard can it be to pick out a single washer and dryer? Let’s commit to this, and just get it done.

(Store clerk approaches)

Store Clerk: Hello sir, can I help you at all today? Are you looking for anything specific?

BF: GAH! Oh, Jesus. Hey kid, yeah, I’m here for a washer and dryer. I have a list of things here that I need to have the new models meet. Just the things on the sheet. Don’t temp me with all of these other sexy lookin’ tools and appliances. Can you help out?

SC: Oh sure, let’s take a look … Hm. Ok, energy efficient, four cubic feet, fairly open to color … Hm. I think I have the perfect model for you, want to go take a look?

BF: Well, I … I don’t know if I’m up for it anymore. My wallet is still kind of hurtin’ from a recent surgery. Maybe I should come back at another time …

SC: Are you sure? You just got here sir. It’ll only take a minute.

BF: Wait … yes, let’s look. Ok, yeah. Show me the model.

(Walk over to energy efficient model. Very sleek. Meets exact specifications.)

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SC: Here you’ll see we have a very elegant and highly rated Kenmore Elite washer and Dryer combo. It is one of our highest rated energy efficient products, as voted on by our own customers, and it meets your individual specifications for cubic space. It typically will use less water than most ordinary washers that are out there without decreasing the cleaning quality.

BF: Wow. That is very important to us. This sounds like a great product. I’m very interested in purchasin’ it.

SC: Good! Also, it has a plethora of washing cycles, even including a hand wash option for those pesky delicates items. I’m sure your wife will very much appreciate that. And we do have several attractive payment options if the $939.00 price tag is too much.

BF: Really. Like what?

SC: We of course have our real time price checks in order to always guarantee that our customers are getting the best prices on any item. Normally, this product is red tagged $1099, so if you bought it today you would save a total of $165.00, which is a pretty good deal for a top of the line product such as this. It also protects guys that have trouble making decisions on expensive items. You know the type, right?

BF: Yeah, I hate those guys.

SC: So, what do you think?

BF: Does it come in green?

SC: Unfortunately this product does not. We do have several other attractive colors though if you’d like to …

BF: What? No, I’m not so sure about this anymore.

SC: Oh. I am sorry to hear that. Is it about the color?

BF: No, damnit! I don’t like this at all anymore! I don’t think this thing will last an entire wash load. I don’t want to purchase this thing if I’m not convinced that it can do the entire job at an elite level for a full wash cycle!

SC: Sir, it’s a new product so there shouldn’t be any issues with its performance. And it is made to wash a full cycle. That’s what washing machines do.

BF: I don’t know … I just … Can I let you know by the 30th?

SC: Sir, we’re a store. You can come in and just buy it or any other product any time you want. We don’t have a timeline here.

BF: Great, give me some time to think about it and I’ll see you again Wednesday with my final decision. Maybe.

SC: Whatever you would like sir. Enjoy your day.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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