Bye Week Check In: Where the White Women At?

At the midway point of the season players find themselves broken, beaten and scarred. Some wins have been tough to come by and the losses hard to take. For the Vikings in 2009, the NFL bye week came at just the right moment to allow certain players to return to the comforts of home, vacation or simply kick back and relax. Today, as players have started to return to Winter Park and prepare for the Detroit Lions this weekend, PJD thought we’d check in with three Vikings to see how their bye week went …

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Percy Harvin: “Oh yes sir, yes sir, my bye week went real well, uh, real well. I actually took a little break from this colder weather up north here in Minnesota and, uh, went back to my stomping grounds in Gainseville for a little bit. It was a real blast man, uh, a real good time. I got to reconnect with some friends down there, like the, uh, quarterback Tim Tebow and talked a li’l bit with Coach Meyer down there too, just, uh, about transitioning to the professional level, college experiences and uh, everything else like that. It was a nice break from the, uh, intensity of game week. I also got to watch my alma mater Florida play their weekend game against, uh, Vanderbilt. It was a good win for, uh, the program and I am very excited for them, yes sir. But then it was Saturday night in Gainsville, and, uh, for those who are unfamiliar, that usually means that PERCY GO’N GO OUT AND FIND THEM WHITE WOMEN AND GET SMOKED OUT LIKE A FUCKING WILD FIRE THEN BUY SOME WHITE GIRLS SOME TICKETS TO COME WATCH THE COCK SUCKING LIONS ANKLE GRAB THEMSELVES AS I RUSH IT DOWN THEIR THROATS AND THEN I ASK THESE HOES ‘WHO WANTS TO TURN THIS PARTY UP TO A PERCY HARVIN 12?’ BEFORE I POUND THEM 19 YEAR OLD BITCHES OUT JACKHAMMER STYLE IN A CLUB BATHROOM AND PUT MY BLUNT ASHES OUT OF THEIR INNER THIGH THAT’S LIKE MY FUCKING CALLING CARD AND SHIT IT IS FUCKING AWESOME.

“But I also got some of Ma Dukes’ home cooked lasagna as well which, uh, I really enjoyed, so yeah, it was a good bye week.”

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Visanthe Shiancoe: “Oh man, I had a great bye week. I don’t even know where to start. I know a lot of guys traveled to some exotic places, went on some crazy vacations and showed their penises to others, but I low balled it and didn’t get too crazy. That’s just what I needed though! This season has been a great big one for me, but I needed some time to relax my throbbing head and get myself straight again before we make our final push to the cherished destination in hot and sticky Miami. I love that Miami weather man, you know, anything to let me wear some tight pants so everyone can see this famous trouser snake, but I’ve always been a cold weather guy at heart. I grew up in Maryland and went to Morgan State University for college. It was a rock hard time out there when I went, but this last weekend I decided to go peep in on them again. They let me go down on the sidelines and everything! When I got there I even hung out with our mascot, The Bear. I was surprised though when I took this picture with the Bear and I heard what I thought was Tarvaris’ voice underneath it saying ‘Shiancoe, don’t be afraid, but it’s me, Tarvaris!’ Sorry, man, but I freaked out! I was like ‘What’re you doing at Morgan State?!’ He told me he just picked up this gig as a mascot on the weekends since he didn’t have much else to do. But I knew what he was really up to. He was trying out his new-age Pedobear outfit away from prying eyes. And let me tell you, he looked good.

“But I left him to that, watched some football and came back home. It’s always a good break if there’s no accidentally nudity. Just kidding!”

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Bryant McKinnie: “How was my bye week? Why you askin’ me? You think just because I’m notorious for having crazy bye weeks that I was going to be a fool and do somethin’ stupid again? Come on! I’m smarter than that! I would never do anything like that to jeopardize myself and my teammates. Again. I just went down to Miami for the bye week. No, not to do anything crazy, it’s just where I’m from, went to school at, reside at in my down time and where I saw my first vagina. I met some of my lady friends and worked on some music with them. No, not lady strippers and the music we were playing wasn’t rib flutes jams. We were really in the studio working hard. Not working hard on each other, I mean, just, hard on the music. And that was so much work that we all had a barbecue at my house later that weekend. And that was pretty tame. I mean, yeah, it was hot out and we were by my pool, so some of the dudes were shirtless and some ladies were in small bikinis, but that’s what you do in Miami. And yeah, there was a lot of barbecue sauce that went on the ribs and some people got sloppy and were spreading it all over there abs or tits and having people lick it off, but they were just messin’ around. And sure, there might have been some people who were drinking some high end liquor at my pad, but we were all responsible. I didn’t let anyone drive home. Except for Carl Eller. But the drinking does some things to some people, and some of those people may have been using a variety of sex toys, lubricants, old oak chests, fanny packs, palm branches, smelling salts, ball gags, ceiling swings and my hot tub. But this was all within the comfort of my own home! And we were all very responsible.

“So no, to answer your question, nothing crazy happened. Just some good friends and good times in Miami. Personally? I can’t wait for the Super Bowl.”

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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