Chicago Bears Fans: Sensitive as the Soft Skin on your Genitals

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Not a lot of Vikings news today, and there probably won’t be until Lord Favre stops teasing Fran Tarkenton (FML), so let’s check in with the other NFC North degenerates. Recently, shit head receiver from Wisconsin, Donald Driver, chimed in with an ESPN station in Chicago to alert anyone lonely enough to listen that the Bears didn’t have a proven receiver on their roster. As if this was any news. Quotes! And comments in bold!

“They don’t have a receiver (not technically true as there are several terrible ones currently on the roster),” Driver said on the “Waddle & Silvy” (See: Dingo and the Baby) show on ESPN 1000. “They don’t have any true receivers that step up and play and take their team to where they want to go. (That is true. Devin Hester does not fit this bill)

“I love Devin, and Devin knows that, but Devin plays [defensive back] (Also true. Receivers are supposed to wear numbers between 10-19, and 80-89. He does not). I don’t think he’s just a solid receiver right now. (That’s because he’s not) He may become one as years go on (Unlikely, but nice damage control), but it doesn’t happen overnight.(Sucking, though, is that easy to come by!)

While not a necessarily shocking statement, it did seem to ruffle some feathers. Notably, the Fan Sided Bears blog (and to be fair, other Bear fans vaginas) Bear Goggles On. If you don’t get it, I think it’s a play on words to how people wear beer goggles to make women look better, but in this instance it’s to make the Bears look better. Also, they’re kind of like the Daily Norseman of Bears blogs, but maybe not as gay. Maybe.

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Anyway, I don’t know a lot of Bears fans, which is a huge fucking relief, but I’m sure they are all close to committing suicide during the summer watching the Cubs or the White Sox (whichever), and then really hit a stupor come football season when their Super Bowl Shuffle team kicks into high gear. My guess is that most fans from the area are blinder than my kidnapped Korean boy in the trunk when it comes to their team, and generally speaking that’s ok. I can’t fault them for following their local team, even if I hate said team, but how can even the dumbest Bears fan not admit that Driver is pretty spot on in his statement? Are you seriously going to get up on your soap box concerning your teams’ receiving position and claim them to be anything better than the walk on class at Illinois? And we’re talking about what is currently there, not what could be there. Let’s take a look at the roster:

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Holy shit, that is a bag of suck. So your grizzled veterans are Rashied Davis and Devin Hester, two guys who are under six feet tall going up against Al Harris, Charles Woodson (I hate them, obviously, but god damnit do I respect them … no, that’s not true either), Antoine Winfield and some warm body from Detroit. You’ve got some young talent on the roster, Bears fans, including names I couldn’t even make up, and I would guess that Iglesias has the most “upside”. But he’s still never played in an NFL game. Rounding it out, Earl Bennett may be a nice comfort zone to Jay Cutler, being that they both died a slow death (that’s not a diabetes joke) at Vanderbilt. But let’s get serious here.

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This receiving squad is worse than what the Vikings had in 2006. Back then, the Vikings were running into walls with Marcus Robinson, Troy Williamson, Travis Taylor and Billy McMullen. I mean, that’s a bad squad, but at least it was potentially balanced with size, speed and experience. Obviously, that potential was as authentic as the potential of me ever getting a blow-jayski outside of my birthday. Even with noodle armed Brad Johnson at the helm they still pulled in more receiving yards (3400+) that year than the Bears did last season (3200+). Fucking ouch.

So why is it so outrageous that Driver called that squad out? Even in doing so, he said he loves Hester and said what everyone outside of Illinois’ armpit understands; the Bears don’t have a star receiver on their squad similar to what Cuntler had in Brandon Marshall in Denver. Does this mean that none of the Bears receivers have potential? Of course not. I actually like Iglesias as a receiver and think he’ll do ok, and Hester is obviously a game changing threat … as a kick returner. Just because he has speed though doesn’t mean he’s a good receiver. Just look at Troy Williamson. He had potential too.

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So stay classy Bears fans. Your meat flaps are showing from your short-shorts. If we can at least both agree that you don’t have a star receiver, the Vikings have gay uniforms, and Aaron Rodgers sucks monkey balls, then I will also overlook the constant claim that your defense is still stellar. That, though, is a whole other topic.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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