Chris Kluwe LIVE! From E3!

  Minnesota Vikings punter and video game aficionado Chris Kluwe was sent on assignment to the most famous event amongst bespectacled attendees, the Electronic Entertainment Expo, curtly known as E3. While Kluwe naturally ran around in a flustered state of nerdgasm, we asked him to buckle down and provide a level headed report on a couple of select items that really blew him away in the video gaming world at the Expo. Here is his report …
RAWK!!

RAWK!!

What’s up guys! Oh man, I am so excited to be here in sunny California, walking around my old stomping grounds, and providing you readers with the best video game information that I can! And let me tell you, fanboys, this E3 has been one of the biggest and best E3’s yet! The sheer amount of awesomeness that I have been able to lay my eyes and sweaty palms on is amazing. I’ll do the best I can to get you caught up on some of the big events and announcements, but if I end up running off to go wail on a newly announced Guitar Hero or something, please forgive me. I’m just so jacked right now!

Any way, here are my top five highlights of E3 so far:

WIZARD!

WIZARD!

1. XBOX360 Natal Program -  Holy Sith spit! Did anyone else see this? Ok, so literally, there is a motion sensor bar that you hook up to your XBOX360 and TV where it captures your face pattern and puts you in the game! Can you believe this? They showed a video of this working at the Microsoft conference and it was absolutely mind bending. I thought I was in Tron, for serious. The system apparently can even recognize real world objects and let you put them in the game to play with! The video showed a kid putting his skateboard up to it, it scanned it, both sides, and then he was skating on it in a game? WHAT??!! This is amazing! It totally eliminates the need for controllers anymore. More pointedly, it’s going to change my life and even my wife was excited when she say it. That means it’s awesome.

SWEET!

SWEET!

2. Explosion of Final Fantasy News - Sounds like the Chocobo nuts just released a load of blue balled goodness, because Final Fantasy fans got three epic news releases at E3! First, word is that XBOX360 owners will be getting the next installment of the epic series, FFXIII in spring 2010. Score! But PS3 users got a little surprise as well, when it was announced that the always timeless and rightfully heralded classic game FFVII is being released through PSN and you can download it today! Sweet! But! That wasn’t all! Playstation blew the lid off of their conference when they told fanboys that PS3 will be getting FFXIV exclusively to PS3! WHAT??!! And XIII isn’t even out yet? It just keeps getting better and better …

AMAZING!

AMAZING!

3. PSP Go! Official Announcement - Beef banging mosltov, bitches! So, in one day Sony, you’re telling me that not only can I download and play FFVII whenever I want on my PS3, but I can also put on this totally awesome new portable video game device that is smaller and easier to handle than the original PSP? This is better news than a lesbian fan film between Leia and Uhura! For a football player, you people don’t understand how critical this is. For a punter on a football team, you really don’t understand. Think about it; what do I do all game? Nothing. I kick a ball, what, maybe three times? And then pretend to run after the returner but never actually tackle him? I mean, how bored do you get while watching the games as a fan, when you can actually be invested throughout? Me? I sit on the sidelines a lot with nothing to do, both in games and at practices. But no more! Now, I can hide this sexy little cock boy device in my hand warmer and play video games all day on the sidelines. Finally! I mean, I’ve never actually been as excited for football season as I am now that this toy is available. Totally wizard.

ZOMG!

ZOMG!

4. Two Metal Gear Solid Games - Metal Gear Solid, huh? I’ll show you something solid, something that became solid after this totally mind fucking announcement! WHAT??!! A MGS game for XBOX? A new title? I am just … jesus, hold on … *breaths into a paper bag* … This is too much. I seriously though … I never imagined that … Wow. MGS: Rising, as it’s called, is a new game in the franchise of franchises that stars effeminate hero Raiden in his own series. He’s a ninja people! How awesome is this?? But that’s not all that famed producer Hideo Kojima had to announce, as he also showed MGS: Peace Walker for the PSP for the first time. Wow. Oh man … just … it looks awesome. It’s like the Thundercats and Optimus Prime got together and had Ninja Turtle babies with Mario Bro. behaviors. Life just does not get any better people, especially when you’re rich and can afford all of these fun little items.

BOSS!

BOSS!

5. Rock Band: Beatles Game Footage - Oops, I just crapped my choco taco into my pants. Things just got better, especially for this plastic axe shredder. Ah, Beatles Rock Band? Put my name on the list, dick meat, because I will wreck your ass when it comes to music games. Did you know I compete nationally? Yeah, suck it. Not only does this game look fantastic and it comes with some totally killer peripherals, but you can fucking harmonize like you’re a Beatles band members! And it looks like a total mind trip dude! If me and Percy and JDB don’t get together and get just stoned out of our gourds and rock out to this game, I will kill a small animal (while inebriated) I swear to god. This, most definitely, was the best thing I saw.

 

And that wraps up my Electronic Entertainment Expo review for 2009! It was a total blast, people, and I enjoyed hanging out with other who I felt really understood me and my giddiness over some of the things shown. Luckily, my wife suggested packing extra pairs of disposable underwear so that when I ended up shitting myself, I could sneak into the bathroom and come out clean, ready for another surprise. She’s a smart lady, because they all came in handy. Can’t wait for 2010!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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