The NFL is back after wrapping up its first week and despite some stellar outings by many different players, no other member of the league is generating as much ball suckling as our very own Purple Jesus. And it’s well worth it, besides the fact that if you even so much as touch him he’ll cure your syphilis. Unless you’re a fucking whore.
The main reason for this praise has of course been his orgasmic 64 yard touchdown run against the Cleveland Browns in which he opened up Pandora’s Box as far as possible nicknames for his running style, moves, and perhaps even individual runs. Purple Jesus is pretty much his identity M.O., and since (most) Viking fans aren’t savages, we’ll stick with that instead of Purple Yahweh or Purple Vishnu or something. What we are though is a bunch of Midwestern bumpkins and most likely nerdy white guys with gayishly named fantasy football teams that are fawning over Purple Jesus’ seemingly innocuous moves and feats. Of course, I know nothing about this.
While we’re not looking to change his nickname of course (that would ruin this site title!) it may be helpful for the layperson to understand what is meant when people like Ray Edwards say things like “Purple Jesus stopped to kiss the baby on that play” as well as the many other made up phrases, nicknames and exclamations that have followed Purple Jesus reign of pain throughout the NFL. These have all been made up or newly applied to describe what Purple Jesus does on the field because there simply aren’t appropriate descriptors already in place for his neo-water walking. Until now. Read on for our list of descriptions for PJ’s moves and feats and feel free to add your own in the comments.
Kissing the Baby: As stated, this is when Purple Jesus stops running on a dime and turns around to toss a defender out of bounds by the defender’s own helmet. Famously coined and recently popularized by Chad Ochocinco on his Twitter account, it is meant to indicate an amazing action on the football field. Traditionally, it’s an action that has been popularized by politicians during the campaign trail when they stop their march to a podium to pause and kiss a spectator’s child on the head. It looks slightly pedophile-ish, but stupid political ball washers see this action as a sign of grace, down to earth-ness, and a sign that the politician is really just “one of the people”, which of course they’re not, because they’re traveling to the mountain ranges in Argentina to bang whores. Jerks. When Purple Jesus does it however, it is done to show defenders that he can take a moment out of his epic rushing attempt and allow the defender to become a part of history, Byron Russel style.
The Ban Hammer: Also seen in the now-famous 64 yard touchdown run is the move Purple Jesus performed after Kissing the Baby which will now be nicknamed the Ban Hammer. Usually seen when a defender is approaching Purple Jesus from an angle (usually a terrible angle) the Ban Hammer is a wordless denouncement of the other teams’ defensive scheme. Popularized on message boards filled with pimple faced masturbators, the Ban Hammer was the ultimate internet weapon wielded by message board moderators to destroy board spammers and general idiocy on the internet. More often than not, once the Ban Hammer is used the internet offender is frequently never heard from again as if their very existence disappeared into negative space. This effect is also seen in the NFL when Purple Jesus drops the Ban Hammer on a poor defending soul that soon after witnesses their career tailspin into nothingness. Forever, they are remembered as Purple Jesus’ bitch. But, at least they are remembered for something.
LEEEEEEROY! Purple Jesus doesn’t usually find a great need to speak, as his actions frequently are louder than his words, but when he does find himself needing an extra motivational boost (rare, trust me, he’s fucking Purple Jesus), PJ has been known to shout out the seemingly innocuous name Leeroy. Digging further, we find that the term has it’s roots back in Chris Kluwe’s favorite game World of Warcraft as a once fabled character called Leeroy Jenkins ignored his teammates extensive strategy to attack … something, whatever those weirdos attack, and burst onto the battle field screaming (in internet type) his own name. His party was slaughtered and he has since turned into legend. While Purple Jesus’ teammates are not necessarily slaughtered, they are frequently forgotten about and overshadowed in the public consciousness whenever Purple Jesus screams this battle cry during an epic touchdown run. There has been no other situation in the history of the entire universe, including Moses parting the red sea, men landing on the moon and our monkey ancestors’ first erection, where someone has been able to overshadow Brett Favre. But Purple Jesus will be doing just that each and every week in 2009, which is absolutely mind blowing.
Madden Moves: While art frequently is seen to imitate life, there may be no greater example than watching Purple Jesus run up and down the field on Sundays and watching a John Madden Football video game expert using the same player in a game against a baby with broken thumbs fumbling with the controller. The resemblance is uncanny, as Sidney Rice points out. While Purple Jesus may perform a juke, spin or cut through the hole with hawk-like vision, the sheer beauty and breath taking quality that is mimicked in commercials and video games still can’t compare to the fancy football feet and ingenuity shown on the field every time PJ has the ball. Saying that a particular run from Purple Jesus looks like a Madden run reflects just how mind boggling and ridiculous the run itself was, and not just because the players in the video game look like they are frequently running on ice, but because it looks like something that could only be created in a fictional universe. Really, it’s Purple Jesus’ second coming on Earth, and we’re just watching. And orgasming. Or that might just be me.
Curb Stompings: While a vicious act in real life, the Curb Stomp is seen in Purple Jesus’ waltz into the endzone after a fantastic touchdown run. Like most nicknames, it has a double meaning. One on hand, it simply looks like he has lined up every defender on the opposing team in his path to the endzone and as he nears it Purple Jesus begins to elongate his steps one at a time, increasing the force of his celestial body upon the skulls of the opposing team, smashing their jaws into a fictitious curb and incapacitating them. On the other hand, when he scores, the other team is usually down for the count in real life anyway, so these measured steps are doubly important, but no less significant; you fuck with the Purple Jesus and you are going to be destroyed, ipso facto, cunt.
These terms and descriptors just touch the surface. Have any you and your fat friends use yourself as you eat Cheeto’s and drink Natty Lights on Sundays? Put them in comments.