Ok, I know that was some concern and misplaced celebrating this weekend. I just wanted to write and let everyone know a couple of things. First off, I’m fine. See? No injuries, no bruises, scars, nothing. Ok? I didn’t get killed again. I kept getting Tweets, pokes, texts and all sorts of things over the weekend being like, “Hey Purple Jesus, I know this is a tough weekend for you, but hang in there!” or “PJ! Hey, where are you man? Don’t you go getting crucified on me now!” Hilarious.
Second of all people, what happened, happened. It was a long time ago. Remember how we already established that I’m back, I play football, and I’m really good at it? Don’t worry about it. This whole Easter celebration thing is so in the past for me. Did I get nailed to a cross once? Well, yeah. Was I stoned for a while? Sure, a couple of ways, but I’m fine. Did I turn into a zombie and push huge rocks out of my way when I was filled with the blood rage after initially coming back to life thinking that I was going to haunt everyone for eternity? Well, maybe, yes, but I decided to take some time off until I felt it was right for me to come back and really take the world by storm. But that was 24 years ago! I’ve been through high school, college, and into the pros already! There’s been two Men in Black movies since then! It’s time to give it a rest.
I know, I know. People who have these really strict Christian beliefs are reluctant to give up their well established traditions. And I guess I don’t have any problem with people remember or signifying certain days when I accomplish great tasks, and let’s not be mistaken, coming back to life as a zombie but fighting off the blood urge is pretty remarkable. But can we at least stop acting like it’s a reoccurring event every year? It has literally only happened once in the past 2009 years. I’d say the odds of it occurring again are pretty slim, and, if I were you, I’d go ahead and trust me on this one.
Maybe we need to refocus here. Sure, zombies are awesome, but what about starting some new traditions on some other notable dates? How about October 14th. Anyone? Remember? Then franchise record 224 yards on 20 carries? No? Ok, what about November 4th. 296 yards? NFL single game record? That’d be a good one to celebrate. We could do something to immortalize that number, like plant 296 trees across the county, or be active for 296 minutes instead of sleeping like a drunken hibernating bear all of the time. Anyone? Come on, this Easter thing is getting so boring. Ok, ok. January 2nd. … NFL Rookie of the Year? Sign of things to come? Alluding to just how great of a career I’ll have? … Unreal.
Fine. Have your stupid Easter, but no one better Tweet me about slitting my wrists or make anymore Last Supper jokes. Ha ha ha, I get it; I was crucified. How hilarious. Next one to bring it up and I’ll show you what it’s like to cast the first stone, jackasses.