Fare Thee Well, Douche Bag

So Matt Birk left the Vikings as a Free Agent to sign a 3 year, $12 Million dollar contract with the Baltimore Ravens. I’m pretty sure those are the numbers, but all I did was look at his Wikipedia page to confirm it, so I don’t really know. There are a couple of different takes on this.

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Yes, that is Matt Birk “blocking”. For all of his Harvard smarts, Birk apparently isn’t aware that you cannot receive full blow AIDS from just blocking a dude on the football field. And my guess is that this is from the 2007 season when the Vikings played the Dolphins, so you can only imagine how much better his blocking got during the 2008 season. Purple Jesus, he’s not even touching the guy. The fact that he was robbing the Vikings salary cap for nearly $6 Million a year the past couple of years is more alarming than finding a two month rotting corpse from an Asian stripper in your trunk. $6 Million?? I wish I could get that amount for not doing my job. If this is all he was capable of at this age (and really, he’s only 32, which is young for linemen that usually exist longer than the Never Ending Story) then it’s a good thing the Vikings let his ass walk, the pretentious fuck. Sorry we couldn’t all go to Harvard. And then he had this to say too about signing with Baltimore:

“…we were just impressed. We were more impressed with every minute that went by … From the moment we got here, it’s just been like a snowball. I don’t know if I can pinpoint one exact moment [when he felt compelled to sign with a team that loves murderers], but I’ve been nothing but impressed. It just felt right. The whole time we’ve been here, it just felt right.”

Common, Baltimore?

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The city where the homicide rate is nearly seven times that of the national average and higher than New York Fucking City? That sounds like the exact place to take your four children to … if they’re looking for a good ol’ fashioned raping. Get real. This guy was gushing like a virgin ready to get finger banged on prom night. And he signed for chump change too. Something doesn’t add up about all of this. I think the Vikings were more than happy to get him out of the city … but why?

The other side to this is what it means for the Vikings. Does this make the team better? I don’t know … will we finally have a center that won’t be afraid to get his golden locks in a mess and not be hypnotized by the QBs hands brushing his junk mid-game? If so than yes, this makes the team better. Would I have felt more comfortable if Birk would have been signed back for even less than the Raven’s offered him for his veteran leadership tips in the locker room (you know, like how to hide masturbating in the team shower) and some continuity along the offensive line? Maybe … but he doesn’t automatically make the team better just because his fat ass is taking up space. Seifert made note of this here, with a more serious analysis that, unfortunately, doesn’t make gay jokes.

So who knows. I’ll always think of Birk as the douche bag that drove Moss out of town. So I will never forgive him for that. I also don’t trust our dumbass coach, so who knows if this was the actual right move for the team. And now, if they go ahead with John Sullivan at center, that means we’ll have a guy from Notre Dame starting on the team, which is about as bad as you can get. Fuck Notre Dame, by the way. But how does the Purple Jesus feel about this?:

“Just fucking block someone.”

Agreed.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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