Another Fathers Day has come and gone, and after the sun set on a rainy, but important, day full of fatherly events PJD decided to crack open the old mailbag and see what appropriate Fathers Day related messages may have been written to Purple Jesus himself about his own father, God, Allah, or Jehovah, depending on your preferred method of ball mind washing. Do you have a question you want to ask Purple Jesus? I mean, how could you not? Chances are you’ve only been waiting 2000 years to ask Purple Jesus a question and what, now you’re going to get gun shy? Pussy. Write your questions to him at firstname.lastname@example.org and it may be featured in an upcoming mailbag if, you know, it’s not a homophobic question.
Q: What a wonderful Fathers Day, wasn’t it Purple Jesus? I must say, as an avid Christian and church go-er, it is always such a blessing to go to church the Sunday morning of Fathers Day and be reminded of all of the wonderful things that Our Father and Savior God, and you, the resurrected Lord, have done for us sinful human being on Earth. Knowing that you and your Father are always there, watching over us with a purple shimmer, brings such warmth to my heart and inspiration to my soul. I just wanted to write and ask what is your most memorable Fathers Day that you’ve had with your Father, Our Lord, and if you could share that special moment with us. Thank you, and although it may be a bit of calling the kettle black, may the Lord be with you!
- Shiela, Plymouth
A: Calling the kettle black? Is that a racist joke, you bitch? Ok, back to the subject at hand here, I think my favorite Fathers Day with the Old Fat Ass on the cloud up there was from a couple of years ago after we got just shit faced the night before off of my blood and then woke up with Chastity Bono mistake type of a hangover. It was a blast. We went walking around then too at some small town with antique shops all over and saw this small store that sold church items. We usually stop into places like this for a good laugh at all the terrible pictures and false idols that are set up when, as you’re boring ass probably knows, you’re not supposed to do that. For some reason though, this was the first day that we saw that little fable about the guy walking on the beach with foot prints next to him his whole life, and then during the tough times there was only one set of foot prints. The fable says that that’s when my Dad picked the guy up and carried him through the tough times, and I swear, we almost starting projectile urinating all over the store we were laughing so fucking hard. Are you kidding me? If my fat ass Father isn’t walking, He’s passed out in some drift wood on the beach, or is under a hill nailing some hot piece of ass He created for Himself over a tree stump! Carrying you? Ha! He could barely carry His liquor. I out drink that Bastard every time. Anyway, we just couldn’t get over how stupid that was and laughed for the rest of the day. It’s now a long standing family joke when ever we get together, you know, me being like “Oh, my foot hurts. Hey Dad, will you carry me?” And then we laugh. That was a good Fathers Day.
Q: Dear Purple Jesus,
I just wrapped up another successful Fathers Day with my two wonderful boys. They did some of the sweetest things; brought me cereal in bed, played catch with me in the yard, took a nap with me while watching golf, and I taught them how to make s’mores out by the camp fire. It just seemed that every passing moment reminded me of how much I enjoy being a father. I got to thinking though, as proud as I am to see my boys grow up and spend time with them, your Father must be even more proud to see all the accomplishments that you have had in your life, what with the Bible, the Apostle following, and spreading of your … of His … good word across the entire world. It’s truly remarkable and, as a father, I know that yours must be very proud!
Jake in Saint Cloud
A: Aw damn it, S’mores fucking rule. I wish I would have thought of that yesterday. And I appreciate the kind words Jake, I really do but … you seem to be a bit confused. The Bible? The Apostles? Spreading the word? Those are all things I tried with my first go around as a human on Earth, and you know what happened? I got nailed to a fucking cross. Think of it like this … When I was on Earth the first time, I walked around like a dirty hippy and did pretty much nothing. Preached about being nice, wore rags, did magic tricks, and people ate that shit up because they were all pretty stupid back then. Or that’s what I thought. I eventually got crucified and sent back to Heaven. I get there, and Dad’s like “Hey! What the Heaven is this? I sent you there to do something productive, to get a job, not to just be some smelly dreadlocked wearing plant eater! Get back to Earth, during a time when people are even more idiotic, and do something to make Me proud already!” So I choose to come back now and play football and let me just say, I’ve never seen my Father prouder than the day I broke the single game rushing record. I know He’ll really lose His shit when I win the Super Bowl (Trust me, it’s coming …), but seeing His reaction after the rushing record was enough to let me know I’m on the right path.
Q: Purple Jesus … I am an old man now and I hope that this letter reaches you somehow. I am not very good with this new technology. I am an old man now and have begun to realize that the time I have available with my children is limited. The worst part, is that I have neglected them throughout my whole life, and after my wife died three years ago, I have failed to see them. My wife was the glue that held this family together, and now they have no interest in their father. I confess, I was hard on them growing up and did not see them as often as I should have while I was consumed with my business. On top of that, I’ve never been able to talk to Keith, my youngest, since I found out he was a homosexual. I know fathers and sons have their hard times, but after this last Fathers Day passed I finally realized how many mistakes I’ve made in life and want to rectify. Do you have any suggestions or similar experiences? Please answer before this old man sees his last sunrise.
- Jebediah in New Prague
A: That is pretty fucked up, pee paw. I remember when I came to Earth the first time, dudes were doing dudes all the time in the Roman world, and they just considered it initiation. Now people have to hide their homo tendencies because someone mistook a drunken slur I made once about “I’d totally lay with that popular Olympian of our time” and flipped it around and put it in the Bible saying that I wouldn’t? I assure you, I never stated such crap. Listen, he’s gay? Whatever. You’ve never been in a gang bang or accidentally tapped ball sacks together while you double penetrated your wife? And don’t tell me you never have done such a thing. I know you older generation types. You people are even nuttier than today’s youth with the wife swaps and autoerotic asphyxiations. Boggles my mind. To be honest, my Father and I never really came to an argument about anything I did, because of course I am perfect. The only problem was when I brought that white girl home to dinner once, but that was only because He was planning on pounding that cooch before me and …well, let’s just say He made me in His own image pretty well. But we got over that fairly quick with the old fashioned London Bridge method.
Thanks for the questions everyone, and to all the fathers out there, enjoy your independence now, because soon your spoiled shit head kids will try to put you in a home! Happy Fathers Day, you bastards!