When you’re Jesus, you end up knowing a lot of things about a lot of people, even if you don’t want to know them. This holds true with our very own Purple Jesus, who has offered to write a frequent column called “Getting to Know”, in which he gets into the head of Vikings from the past, present and possible futures and shares personal and insightful information. Obviously, he can do this because he isn’t constricted by mortal understanding of time and space. Enjoy!
This week, Purple Jesus takes us inside the mind of a quarterback that has been the topic of several hot trade rumors this offseason, especially with the quarterback deficient Vikings, Jay Cutler!
Name: Jay Christopher Cutler, AKA Cutlerfucker
Most Notable Public Moment: Probably that retarded moment when those dumbass Chargers thought that I fumbled the ball against them when I was clearly trying to tuck it and run. God! That’s all they talked about for the entire season, and they still got into the playoffs! Stupid whiners.
Most Notable Private Moment: In college, at Vanderbilt, some of the older guys on the football team tried to hook me up with this sick looking chick. We had been drinking, and I thought it was just an initiation thing, so we started tongue kissing and when I went to feel her boobies up they were hairy. Turns out it was some pot head from Memphis looking to score some dope. Whatever. I showed him. I made sure the team held him down and made him cry while tea bagged wigged face.
Personal Thoughts on the Vikings: Whatever, they’re dumb. Purple is a stupid color. They’re mascot looks like a sperm on steroids. Don’t they all have blond hair up there too? Like they’re Nazi German Jews or something? God! That’s so dumb. Whatever. I hear people think I’ll end up being traded there. I don’t even care. The winters there will probably just make me so depressed that I’ll just let my diabetes take me down. What a stupid state.
Secret You’ve Never Told Anyone: I shouldn’t even be telling anyone this … Whatever. I made that whole diabetes thing out to be a big surprise, but really … I’ve known about it for years. Some stupid broad actually gave it to me when she was giving me a hummer in my Escalade outside of a Denny’s during my rookie year. I knew I should have worn protection, but it never feels as good. Not like it matters. I’m rich enough to buy meds so it never really affects me. I had to call like eight other girls I had been with though and break the news. It was stupid.
Profession Outside of Football: I don’t know what my job would be outside of football. Normal jobs are dumb. You have to wear suits and work during the weekdays and no one cares about your job. I guess I’d probably be like a motivational speaker that would travel around, because I’d be able to tell everyone how stupid their job is and how they should get a life. They’d say, “But it’s so hard to quit my paying job!” and I’d say, “Whatever, idiot, get a life and make money early like me then you don’t have to worry about it”. Like it’s so hard, God.
Favorite Band/Music: Music is pretty much totally dumb these days. I’ll listen to a little AFI every once in a while, I guess, or like Yellowcab. That rap stuff is so dumb though, and harder rock music sucks too. Music should make you feel like cutting yourself, not like you want to cut someone else. Brandon Marshall told me that.
Family Dynamics: My family sucks. First of all, they totally don’t understand me. They wanted me to be like a chemical engineer but I told them that was a totally gay idea. My mom is always freaking out because of my diabetes. She doesn’t get that it’s just a controllable STD. Whatever, mom! Look it up on the internet, it’s fine! And my Dad … God. He never even knocks when he used to come into my room. Hey, Dad, maybe I’m looking at animal porn, so what? Get over it and knock! This is MY room! I’m so glad that I bought them their own house in Denver instead of having them live with me. Now I can eat all the ice cream and snacks that I want.
Craziest Locker Room Moment: The craziest thing that ever happen, but it totally didn’t phase me at all, was when we had Travis Henry on the team, and he was so broke from having all those stupid kids that he was giving handskies to any player that would pay him $2 in the shower. That guy was so crazy. But no, I totally didn’t let him touch me. That’s gay.
Parting Words: Parting words for who? Is this for the Vikings fans still? God, I hate that team. Go back to England or whatever. Stupid horn blowers.