Mother fucking cock sucking son of a goat fucker. What a horrible day.
Just when I thought he was out … they pull him back in. Brett Favre (Purple Judas?) is officially a Viking, making all of my worst case scenarios and bad zombie filled dreams come true, and I have some of the worst zombie dreams you could shoot a shotgun at. I could go on, and on, and on, and literally on about how much I irrationally football-hate him, but my hate rants can’t hold a candle to the several that Big Daddy Drew has offered up. So I won’t try. I could also try to use kvetch terms to describe the signing, making a schmuck of myself in the process, but Cris Carter has that one wrapped up too. Fucker.
What I want to touch on is the fans. Two reasons for this. First, I don’t know shit about football. Oh sure, I’ll be the first asshole to jump down Favre’s throat (with my cock. Zing!) when he starts dropping interception bombs on the shit hole Metrodome, claiming that the X receiver was clearly wide open instead of the Z receiver, but I at least know I’m letting the sweet, sweet escape of alcohol talk through me instead of actually believing what I’m saying. So I won’t try to tell you why his mechanics or medical history are an ass raping for Viking fans, which you can trust me when I tell you the clearly are.
No, what I will tell you though (and this is reason two if you’re keeping track at home), is that you school boys cheering for Brett Favre’s arrival in purple are about as flakey as the semen remains in a stripper’s panties and bigger back stabbing team cock tasters than the entire New England fan base. Combined. And as much as I hate your salivating ass faces, I kind of envy you.
On Deadspin.com, BDD made another great point about what Favre coming to the Vikings means for Viking fans; we’re that team now. We’re the assholes. But the worst part is that fans of teams like the Patriots, the Cowboys or, Purple Jesus excuse me, even the Green Bay Packers, can actually hang their douchetastic hat on something. They’ve won Super Bowls. The Vikings, and their fans, have always been part of that elite group of shittery, along with the Bills and the Cubs. The teams’ ineptitude has given us fans a free pass of being an occasional obnoxious fan base because we’re essentially harmless. Sure, we could always be proud of the team, and occasionally were allowed to almost taste victory, but the Vikings have mostly served as a novelty and a magnificent time waster. Our fans never got in anyone’s way, bothered anyone outside of the division or gave undo reason for other teams’ fans to legitimately hate us. At the very least, if they did hate us, it was for a damn good reason, like our famous running back stomped your teams’ vagina for the single game rushing title, or single handedly beat your retarded team on their home turf as a rookie. Whatever.
But now what? Now we haven’t done anything. Now we’re paper champions and we’ve given everyone, literally everyone, great reason to hate us, namely, a self whoring quarterback that should be shot and buried next to Barbaro. We haven’t even played a game this season and even I am already tired of hearing about Vikings football (Note: not actually true). I already hate myself. But you apparently already hate yourself anyway if you’re a fan of this purple team.
All this Brett Favre signing does is delay the inevitable shit fuckery that will be another Vikings season. As fans, we’re fucked either way. You must realize there are only two outcomes here; we either win it all or we don’t. If we do win it all, we’ll forever have our Super Bowl tainted because Darth Vader defeated the Emperor while we were too big of a pussy team to do so ourselves. If we don’t win, we just add to our already sterling reputation of a miserable franchise that can’t even be deemed loveable losers, because we have this geriatric fuck on the team. That, and Packer fans can pile the LULZ on even more when, after all this circus shit show, we still end up losing. Lots. Fuck.
And you know who is making this the hardest to backtrack from when it eventually doesn’t work out? You, the fans. And people like this guy:
And similar others who have been quoted in the Star Tribune as yelling:
“We love you Brett! Brett Favre forever! Wooo!”
You jack off. Brett Favre forever? God I want to cock punch you right now. Are you still going to be cheering like a 13 year old girl at a Jonas Brother’s concert when Favre throws a perfect Jackson-esque pick-six in a late season game? You know he’ll now have to play against Chicago, at Chicago, in December, in a game that may decide the division title? Fuck. Keep cheering. You’re making us all look like a bunch of mindless fans that masturbate to donkey pictures.
I don’t like this move. At all. But as a fan, I wholly was not excited about Sage Rosencopter or Tarvaris Jackson either. Begrudgingly, I admit that Favre is an upgrade over those two wastes of space. But that’s like saying that fucking a chick that had her face burned off with sulfuric acid is better than dipping your flesh stick in a three week old corpse. Big deal, you’re still in a horrible, horrible situation and probably a horrible, horrible person. With Sage and Tarvaris though, the expectations for the season were pretty standard; eh, we might get somewhere but probably not. If we do, great, who would’ve guessed. With Favre, these same expectations are unacceptably through the roof with most fans, although I find it hard to believe that the quality of play will be that much different, and they’ll never be fully met. If we win it all, great, that was expected, if we don’t we have epic failed more than any fail has ever failed. Epically.
This sucks because I still have to cheer for this fucking team. I hate every other team in the NFL as it is, now including the Vikings just a little bit, but even with Favre I still just hate them a nipple bit less than everyone else. And your fandom is in your blood. You can’t change it anymore than you can reverse your sex change, Gene. Rule number one; don’t be a bitch. Suck it up. So my balls are in a knot on this one.
Will I watch the playoffs with anticipation and be disgusted when the circus comes to town, yet again? Unfortunately, yes. Will I be more confused than I was during my first slobbering, groping, tear filled first sexual experience? No, because nothing can top that shit fest (sorry, ladies!) but it’ll be pretty fucking confusing. For the fans that are cheering Favre on, as much as I hate you right now you twats, I also envy that you can set aside such obvious football related hatred and cheer for someone as dark and evil as Ryan Seacrest himself. Congrats. But if you don’t start toning down the enthusiasm I’m going to have to come after you fucks with a tire iron.
Purple Jesus, this is a nightmare.
Thanks to the Star Tribune for the pictures, even though I had to “Print Screen” them to get them. Suckers.