Handicapping Your Rooting Interests

(Not sure what this has to do with anything)

Son of a bitch. There are only three weeks left in the regular season of the NFL. That makes me furious on multiple levels. First, if you regularly screw the pooch in your fantasy football league than last week’s games either saw you being kindly escorted out of the fantasy playoff door or you simply didn’t even have fantasy to fall back on because you missed the playoffs entirely. Ouch. Second, while certain games are starting to mean more for certain teams at the end of the season, many other games for many other teams mean absolute horse shit right now. The Rams? Why are they even playing games? Fighting for the first pick in the draft, I guess? Whatever. Some of us other teams have playoff football to prepare for. NERDS!

If you’re a normal fan you are probably getting way too into the possible playoff scenarios for the Vikings, especially since it’s going to be another one and done for our sweet, purple team. Let’s wildly assume otherwise though, and foresee this playoff season as an epic one in which the Vikings … go all the way. In that case, during these last three weeks of the regular season, you may need to know who else to start rooting for. Take for instance this past Monday night when San Francisco cock punched Arizona. Hey, that’s good! Now Arizona is one game further away from contending for the Vikings’ number two seed. But it’s not over yet. Over the next three weeks teams like the Eagles, the Giants and even the hated Packers will be in the Vikings rear view mirror, all most likely in the playoffs. Some will be better match ups against the Vikings, some worse. Therefore, you, the dedicated fan, now have a rooting interest in other teams!

So with PJD’s help let us handicap your rooting interest for you with our Smiley Meter! It is a sophisticated tool (developed by NERDS!) that will let you know who you should be rooting for, and against, based on the number of good smileys and the number of bad smileys. The more good smileys the better, the more bad smileys the more we want the players’ children to die. We’ve previewed seven teams for you after the jump using Yahoo!’s playoff generator defaulted with a team ranking filter to determine who wins the games and what other teams will have the greatest impact on the NFC Playoff scenario. So get your thinking cap on and prepare to leave your opinions in the comments. Now, let’s get to hatin’!

The set up: First, we need to look at the best case scenario here, because the way this Yahoo! thing let’s you work is going to make this messier than what’s left on a tarp after some anal beads. We see it like this; if you can have everyone in the NFC come to the Metrodome before the Super Bowl, you’ll be better off for it. Obviously then, the Vikings want that first seed. New Orleans has already locked up a bye, so they’d settle in as the second seed if things worked out. I don’t want to see the Cardinals or the Eagles in the playoffs really, so if either could be the first to see the Saints, that’d be best. Ideally, you’d like them to be the third or sixth seed, but this gets difficult as well. Putting the Eagles as the third seed stops me from wetting myself, because I sure as shit don’t want to see them right away. Also, I’d feel much more confident if the Vikings could face off against the Cowboys or the 49ers somehow (if either were to make it) meaning they would need to be the fifth or sixth seed. Confusing? Agreed. Insightful? Absolutely not. Essentially this comes down to wanting the Vikings as the first seed and not having to face the Eagles, Cardinals, or Saints until absolutely necessary, like the NFC Championship. Above is what my ideal playoff picture would look like (Note: please appreciate my awesome paint hackjob at work on that picture). But how do we get there? READ ON!

Teams we’re rooting for:

San FranciscoSan Francisco is stupid. It’s a town full of hippies and doofuses. And gays, if you want to make a lame joke about it. But help us San Francisco, you’re our only hope of knocking the Packers out of the playoffs! If they win out they secure the sixth seed (with some help, obviously) and if they miraculously pull an upset win over the Eagles, they would be the Vikings opponent in the divisional series. I like those odds. And Mike Singletary is a pretty cool dude, with his depantsing and all, so I’m ok with him as well. Bring them on. It’d be way better than watching Childress flop lazily against Andy Reid.

Dallas Cowboys – You don’t ever really root for the Cowboys, you just hate them a little less at points throughout your life. This is one of those times. Dallas needs to win this week and next, and then lose in the final week, in order to help knock off the Saints and keep the Eagles in the third seed. Again, we’re in a scenario here if Dallas wins their game they come to Minnesota to get hacksawed by the Vikings. Or, if they lose, we face the desert birds in Minnesota. I’ll take my chances with them over the Eagles, especially since they just had like 38 turnovers in their last game. And it’s called sweet, sweet, revenge. So win, Dallas, just not too much.

New York Giants – Ideally I would prefer the Giants to have their souls crushed by the time they get into week 17. That would be a guaranteed win for the Vikings, a win they’ll probably need to get to the one seed. But if they Giants are boot stomped by this point, that means that they’ve let the Packers sneak back into the scene, which makes me furious. So win on Giants, until you come to Minnesota. Then roll over like a Portuguese hooker.  

Arizona Cardinals – The Cardinals??! THIS ROOTING THING IS GETTING OUTRAGEOUS! You’re right. But surprisingly we need the Cardinals to win out in order to lock up that glorious looking playoff scenario. Also, if they win in week 17 it knocks the Packers out of the playoffs, and, aside from the Vikings winning the Super Bowl, would be probably the most rewarding thing to happen in 2009. Really, we’re just rooting for them in that final week. Because of this, they only get one smile because I still don’t want to see them in the playoffs.

Teams we hope die in a volcano:

New Orleans Saints – This one is obvious, but surprisingly the Vikings don’t need the Saints to lose out, as tie breakers currently stand. They will face Tampa Bay in week 16, which is probably a sure win there, but I think their matchup with Dallas on Saturday night could be a tough one. Hopefully they lose, or get obliterated in a hurricane again. Either or. In week 17 they face Carolina. That’s probably a sure win as well, but I can hope that they lose. If they do for some reason and the Vikings end up with the same record as them, the tie breaker goes the Vikings way. I haven’t gotten into the details of how or why, but a computer told me so, which is good enough for me. GIVE US THAT ONE SEED, YOU BITCH!! Boo Saints.

Green Bay Packers – Unlike most yellow bellied crying douche bags on Vikings blogs and message boards right now, I don’t actually really care if we face the Packers in the playoffs or not (that’s why they get two no smiles, even though I sure do hate them with every ounce of my black heart). “Oh noez! We’ll have to face them three times in a year! It’s so hard to beat a team three times in a year! They’ve gotten better! What will we do!?” You people disgust me. Forget the fact that the Vikings didn’t just beat the Packers twice this year, they curb stomped them both times. Forget that since that time their two best defensive players have gone out with injuries. They are now worse than when we faced them last, in Green Bay. In the playoffs, in the Metrodome, with their two best players gone? Forget it. The Vikings would cum all over their faces. Rodgers would probably like it too. But let’s just forget this whole scenario and watch them lose out and miss the playoffs entirely. That’d be great. Or, slightly more realistic scenario, watch them get in as a fifth seed and have to go through Arizona and New Orleans before they face the Vikings. Good luck, pussy basters!

Carolina  Panthers – Obviously we’re not cheering for the Panthers to win this game Sunday night. And surprisingly, we don’t want them to beat the Giants in week 16 either. If they do, that puts the Packers into the playoffs. No, we’re hoping against hope, wishing on a wish, fapping to a Sears catalogue, that the Panthers suck until the very end of the season where they find a little bit of Daunte Culpepper garbage time in them and give the Saints their second loss in the final week of the season to help the Vikings secure the number one seed. That would be special and surprising, like the little Izzy on top of an Izzy ice cream cone. Mmmmm! So lose, Panthers, just not all the way.

 

So there you have it. Go to the Yahoo! link and play around with some scenarios yourself and post your results in the comments. Or, do you feel differently about who you’d like to see in the playoffs as well? Let us know! But really, we can all agree that the Packers are worse than ebola.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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