Interview with a Pepaw: “This Offense Scares Me!”

Former player and Minnesota Vikings head coach from 1961 to 1966, Norman Van Brocklin has a unique view on the team. When you’re, like, 97 years old or whatever and dead you tend to have seen a lot of things in your time. Often he’ll come by PJD to offer his insight and perspective in his own column aptly titled “Interview with a Pepaw”. Today, he discuss the explosive Vikings offense, their MVP caliber quarterback and his opinion on how the Vikings can win the Big Game. Is he dead? Maybe. Does that mean he can’t actually talk? Whatever. But here he is.

“Jesus flippin’ Christ, I wake up from my god damn grave and I see my beloved football team sittin’ at 10-1 and I think to myself ‘Holy Hanna, Norm, this team must have it all!’ A power run game! The wishbone! The option! The fumblerooski! At 10-1 I’ma reckonin’ that this team runs up and down the field on their opponents until they’re all blue in the face like a Southerner runnin’ from us northerners. But then I look at the telegram box scores that were delivered to me by a midnight rider and I see this outhouse mess? Someone threw the pig skin for almost 400 yards? In the air?! That is absurd and disgusting. That’s not football! That’s some damned ballerina bull crap! It’s unacceptable! Who in the bloomin’ hell is coachin’ this fruit cake team? Do you not know anything? You can’t just forward lateral the ball down the field all day long! The I-Backs have difficulty findin’ enough time to get up the field in their routes and catch the ball, damnit! YOU HAVE TO RUN! That’s how it’s always been done, and that’s how it should stay! Anything else is weird and different, and I don’t like it!

“I looked at these amazing still images of the game and noticed all sorts of changes I didn’t like, includin’ this scary ‘forward pass’. Now, that wakcado crazy double lateral play I saw to midget darkie was fantastic! Double motion! Hand offs to hand offs! The defense never saw it comin’! Why are you not runnin’ plays like this all the time? Instead you have a quarterback tryin’ to bobble the ball ahead of him? It’s outrageous, and I demand you change it back to how I am familiar with things! When I played quarterback, punter and coach, the quarterback’s job was to fake a fumble pass and then give the ball to someone that could actually make a damn play, not try to be a Sinatra all themselves. It gets me so upset to see this Neanderthal coach callin’ plays that have the ball just FLOATIN’ in the air for an extended period of time! POPPY COCK! Run the ball, you stupid Sally bag! You have all these darkies on your team that run like gazelles, why not have them do their job? That’s what they like to do! Let them run wild in a controlled environment! Back when I was a coach, if we got one dark kid on our team he’d run the ball all game long, no questions asked. Up and down the field. We’d called him Sonny, even if that wasn’t really his name. The kid would be exhausted, run ragged, but he knew he had to listen to us unless he wanted our scowlin’ eyes thrown his direction and a steamboat ticket to Mississippi. And we always won the game ‘cause no one wanted to touch ‘em! And now you have a team with dozens of chocolate boys on the squad and you’re throwin’ the ball? You people disgust me worse than a woman with a job.

“I keep on hearing about this MVP quarterback on the team as well, and I don’t understand how you kids think he’s MVP quality. Has he even run the ball this year? How can you win an MVP if you don’t run the ball? It doesn’t make any sense. Listen, I like that quarterback they’ve got now. Sure, it’s finally a good ol’ white guy back there, but that has nothin’ to do with it except for everything to do with it. It’s more that this feller kind of reminds of me when I wasn’t dead. What is he, 55 and still playin’ football? I hate to say it, with his forward fumblin’ and everything, but that’s damn impressive. If only he’d run the ball more. But have you seen how he hands that there ball off? WOO WEE that is more titilatin’ than memaw takin’ a shoulder strap off of her one piece swam suit! I just wish this team would give him an opportunity to do more of that. Treat that ball like your baby, you whipper snappin’ quarterback! Keep up your inspirin’ work and show them unruly kids how we Civil War vets play football!

“And really kids, that’s the only way you’re ever gonna win the big game. Take it from me, a man that played football when it actually mattered before them World Wars, when you could go back into a game with a concussion and not worry about havin’ your milky tits bruised. You have to run that damn ball straight down the other teams’ throat. You have to take pot shots at the other teams’ mother. That’s a newer form of confrontational talk, for those that may be younger, by the by. You make fun of a person’s mother, like ‘I once saw your mother winkin’ at the gas pump boy and only had to pay two dollars for a full tank in her Model T!’ That’ll slay ‘em! Or you could always try gettin’ a quick jab into a vital internal organ, like your appendix. Where I’m from, you still need those things to live! That’ll knock your opponent out for good! But this Vikings team, I tell ya, as good as they may appear, they’ll never be able to beat no one until they learn to keep that silly pig skin on the ground. You want to fly, pretty boys? Good luck! That’ll be the day, am I right?! Flyin’. You people are so stupid. What’re you gonna think of next, a game jingamajig that mimics your movements as you play? That’s prissier than Liberace. Just run the ball, you dolts, and wake me up again when you’ve finally won something. It’s almost 1:30. I gotta go take my nap.”


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.