McKinnie Switches Agents; Move Money Related, not Contractual so it’s Cool

His presence is unmistakable. rosenhaus001 When smarmy superstar agent and Entourage inspirer Drew Rosenhaus stepped from his car in the Mankato sun Monday afternoon, many hearts fluttered. Fans did a double take. Some went from waiting for a players’ autograph by the field fences to timidly approaching the greasy haired and shiny toothed legend. The Vikings personnel? They scowled. Grinning behind his glasses Rosenhaus turned and said, “I hate these fucking kids, but you gotta do what you can to look like a fucking rock star sometimes.” This is the life of the man that just signed one of the largest humans on the Minnesota Vikings roster to a player-agent contract. Bryant McKinnie, the starting left tackle on the Vikings for several years, signed a contract extension in 2006, insuring that he’d remain on the Vikings roster until 2013. The move to find a new agent, especially one as notorious as Rosenhaus, seems curious, but McKinnnie assuages any fears by confirming that this move is not contractually related; it is money related. bmk001 “This has nothing to do with my contract” McKinnie said between gnaws at a dead horse carcass splayed out in front of him. “I agreed to work with Rosenhaus because I’ve seen what he has been able to do for other players around the league and know how well respected he is. I just want to see what he can do for me, like getting me nicer pillows when the team travels and has to stay in a hotel, finding me higher graded horses to eat, or maybe just get me more money.” McKinnie darts his eyes to newcomer Phil Loadholt as he says this, scaring the rookie off from McKinnie’s afternoon snack on a quarter horse. “I’m the victim here” he finishes. When asked to elaborate on what he means by “more money”, McKinnie does so. “Yeah, I want more money. For playing. I want to be paid more money by this organization for playing an elite position on the team than what I am being paid now. But,” and waved a blood soaked finger as he emphasized this, “It’s not contractual.” It was then that the sleek panther Rosenhaus appeared behind the hulking, feasting McKinnie and tried to confirm what his newest client was articulating. “This is all true” he said between toothpick flicks. “I’m not here to give the Vikings a hard time. I think they know that. I’ve worked with them in the past on contracts with receivers and Sidney Rice and it has always been amicable. All I want to do for Mount McKinnie here,” he laughs like a hyena as he says this, “is make sure he’s getting paid what he’s worth. So, it’s about money, and if our money demands aren’t met, we’ll rape them sideways. With a bat.” Time and again, as it is patiently explained to both McKinnie and Rosenhaus that when you ask a team for more money that it actually is a contractual issue, Rosenhaus continues to clarify. rosenhaus002 “That’s what you lay people don’t get. It’s not contractual. If it was contractual we’d be asking for a new contract with different years on it, incentives, precautions, different things like that.” He winks at a 14 year old girl between sentences on the sidelines. “That’s not what we’re looking for. McKinnie is very pleased with his current contract, he just wants more money on it. If it’s just left at his door, or delivered in discreet bills in an unmarked van with that little cutie pie” he points to the girl “in the back of it, so be it. But we’re not looking for a new contract.” As the hustle and bustle of the third day of training camp closed in Mankato, Drew Rosenhaus could be seen in the distance confirming details with Bryant McKinnie. While the mere sight of Rosenhaus has been known to gush panties, empty pocket books, and create an unreasonable twinge of douchbag fear among many, for his clients his appearance invokes one simple feeling; Security. But money security, not contractual. Because this isn’t a contractual issue.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.