Packer Fans, Your Tears Taste Like Victory

Oh my God, this is … Mmm! It’s so delicious. Packer fans, your salty tears are providing me continued sustenance. It is absolutely delectable! Lord Favre coming to the Vikings is disturbing for me, sure, but to see the meltdown happening all across Wisconsin … My God, I could feast on this anger for decades and not get enough. Your American Idol, lasting hope, crowned king of all things cheese, wearing purple and defeating your team twice a year? I mean, holy … seriously, you can not come up with a better story (assuming of course that Childress and Favre’s clandestine meeting goes according to plan).

Of course, I am sure that the mature, responsible adults that are raised in such a fair state are treating this move with expected dignity for their fallen hero and respect for the game of football. Let’s check in with these disturbed individuals and follow their calculated reactions, FJM style! …

Nooooooooooooooooo!!

Nooooooooooooooooo!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

:(“

Yes! It is actually happening! How will you ever survive, Packer fan?

“A sad end to an overrated career.”

Overrated career? I’m sorry, Packer fan, you just got to enjoy a Hall of Fame quarterback for 15 odd years and you’re calling him overrated? Stupid Brett! Why couldn’t you just be called Tom Brady! You are dead to me! Listen, leotard, the reason Viking fans don’t like him is because he always beat our asses like rented mules (I have no idea what that actually means, btw), and because the media always snacked his summer sausage. Now his overrated career may lead the Vikings to their first Super Bowl win ever? That’d actually be a pretty fine ending my friend, pretty fine.

“One of the funniest comments I’ve heard on all this was when NFL Network talked to Mooch on Total Access last night and he said that the GB fans would forgive Brett and remember the 16 years we supported him. He doesn’t know GB any more than he knows quantum physics.

Zing! Stupid Mooch! You were once a respected coach in the NFL before you fell in the abyss that is Detroit, and now you’re dumb because you don’t know … uh, well … quantum physics! Yeah! That’ll get ‘em …

It’s like if you have a party and there’s the guy who made it more fun for everyone, all night, hour after hour, got people talking, got people dancing, but then got drunk and stupid at the very end of the evening. Are you going to remember him as the guy who was the life of the party, or the guy who puked on your sofa and gave you a black eye when you had to kick him out the door?”

Wat?

Agg! I'm hilarious!

Agg! I'm hilarious!

“Brett can set yet another record … most number of returns from retirement.”

Hahahahahahahahaha! Number of returns from retirement! Purple Jesus, this is absolute comic gold. Where do you come up with this schtick Packer fan??

“Alright Brett, put your money where your mouth is.

During a H1N1 epidemic? That sounds like a stupid thing to do …

Let’s go, put that disgusting purple on and destroy any chance you have of remaining in the hearts of Packer fans.

FIGHT FOR MY LOVE BRETT!! FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

Looooovvvee meeeeee!!

Looooovvvee meeeeee!!

I am so sick of this garbage so quit talking. If you’re going do it, do it. Let’s see what happens on October 5th.”

So I am confused, are you individually going to fight a 40 year old man on October 5th or what? Yes. That would be awesome. Keep going Packer fans, your tears quench my thirst!!

“Doesn’t he care that he is damaging the fragile psyche of some goofy Packer fans?”

Mmm. Your childish confusion is more awkward to watch than Keanu Reeves. Keep going!

“Green Bay and its legend made you.”

That’s an interesting take. The intimidating legend of Lambeau Field, from 1968 – 1991  before Lord Favre arrived? Is that the legend you are referring to? I think you may have things mixed up a bit here.

“I feel like a man that was given everything, from a 100 million dollar deal to the countless number of Packer fans who gave him their hearts,

He was given your hearts or Packer fan gave them their hearts? There is an important, subtle difference there, sir. It’s the difference between consensual sex and rape, quite frankly …

… is stabbing Green Bay in the back. I don’t know how I can ever forgive Favre if he indeed does sign with Minnesota.”

I keep on forgetting, HE OWED YOU. HE FUCKING OWED YOU BIG TIME! Winning a Super Bowl and bringing national exposure to a meat packing city wasn’t enough Brett, you selfish bastard. Whenever you decide to retire, it still won’t be good enough. If you don’t come to April’s birthday party when you’re FUCKING 65 I will never forgive you!

“He is now dead to me. Don’t come back.”

No, it’s amazing though, medical research has allowed zombies to walk the earth, even after they retire from being normal people! ZOMG!

“Favre in purple at Lambeau and the love affair is over….”

Wait, Peter King? What’re you doing here?

“I don’t care if Jesus himself comes down from the heavens and plays for the Vikings. You play for Minnesota (or Chicago), you are getting boo’d.”

Classy to the end. Only Packer fans would boo Jesus. They’d also probably fap to pictures of Mother Theresa, blow smoke in Ghandi’s face, and hunt unicorns.

“Don’t you see? Brett loves the Packers so much that he will go to MN to throw even more interceptions that last year and keep yet another team out of the playoffs! Go, Brett!”

Mm. That fear … or is it regret? I can’t tell. They taste the same ….

“If Brett does in fact even talk to the Vikings about playing with them he may as well be Michael Vick in my book!”

Yes, a HoF worthy QB decides to keep playing football, and that decision is on par with running a dog fighting ring. Brett Favre, you SICKEN me! Keep going Packer fan, I’m not full yet …

“Favre to Harvin…OVER AND OVER AGAIN.”

That sounds strangely erotic, but if it results in TDs, I’ll take it. What about PJ? Favre still has to hand it off to him, you know … DON”T FORGET FAVRE!

“Lets be honest, this doesn’t affect the Packers it affects the Steelers, Pats and Giants who will have to deal with the Vikings in the Playoffs. Ted turned us into a 6-10 team so we are not really that relevant to Super Bowl contention.”

Give me your tears, Packer fan …

My Grand Slam was supposed to come with sausage ...

My Grand Slam was supposed to come with sausage ...

“We owe Farve, who gave us immortal moments.”

From an immortal, golden arm … that will now wear purple. Yes!

“The packers should never retire his number and should have another player wearing it on opening day.”

My God, will you piss him off. How scathing of you, Packer fan! Did you know that Aaron Rodgers wears 12 because he’s THREE TIMES the QB Brett Favre is? And my favorite …

Nothing wrong with this picture ...

Nothing wrong with this picture ...

I can’t believe Favre is doing this. Just 20 minutes ago I had to break my 11 year old son’s heart. He’s been a Brett Favre fan all his life and he heard that Favre may be coming back and I had to say, ‘Yes son, but as an enemy Viking.’

My son broke down and cried. Favre broke his heart, that monster.”

Odd, but your sons tears don’t taste as bitter or … what’s the word … weighted? … as yours do sir. But still strangely delicious.

 

You have all made my day. Please, continue on …

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

Quantcast