Phil Loadholt is Officially the Vikings Biggest Human

Rookie mini camp was held this weekend, and Brad Childress tried his damndest to be all Belichick and secretive on the media. As such, there’s not a whole hell of a lot to report. Through some of the after practice interviews and word-of-mouth leaks though, there have been some tidbits that have found their way to the masses, like the fact that Mount McKinnie has been put on watch for no longer being the team’s official biggest human on the roster. This led us here at PJD to think, what other “official” designations do other players have on the roster, and which new rookies could push some older players for these fantastical and fictitious “belts” of recognition? Read on, as we’ve obtained the only authentic* list available with the Vikings and we are finally sharing it, as well as our thoughts on the individual titles, with Vikings fans everywhere!

Yeah, Phil Loadholt ate a child. What of it?

Yeah, Phil Loadholt ate a child. What of it?

- Phil Loadholt is listed as the Vikings Biggest Human: You read this right, dear reader. At a whopping 6’-8”, and 335 lbs, this son of a bitch is half the weight of Peter King and eight times as heavy as Lindsay Lohan. Amazing! Most importantly though is the fact that Loadholt has eaten/taken the official title of “Biggest Human” on the Vikings roster away from that lazy, stripper loving left tackle McKinnie. Does this actually do anything for anyone? Well, there will undoubtedly be memorable fights for food at training camp this year, and chances of Jn trying to ride Loadholt like a bull are pretty good, but more than anything this change in designation, done so immediately as well, should piss the hell out of Big Mac, and maybe push him to be better. I wouldn’t hold my breath though.
That ball he's looking at is actually only six feet off the ground.

That ball he's looking at is actually only six feet off the ground.

- Asher Allen throws hat into ring for title of “Shortest Viking”: Shortest Viking is not a title that people generally walk around boasting their ownership of, yet when you are the tiniest individual on the team, as well as one of the most ferocious, the title does merit mention. This is especially true as the team’s shortest and most ferocious member, 5’-9” Antoine Winfield, has remained undisputed king of this category for years. Yet … a challenger emerges! Asher Allen, coincidentally also considered as Winfield’s future replacement and also clocking in at an underrated 5’-9”, will attempt to play his way into the title holding spot. To do so, he must not only sack a quarterback, cause a fumble, recover a fumble, and score a touchdown in one play, but he must step on any said quarterbacks hand, fracturing several bones and threatening that quarterback’s career. Then, and only then, may he become a true challenger.
Look! I'm totally jumping, white friends!

Look! I'm totally jumping, white friends!

- Whitest linebacker award up in the air: When he was first signed, linebacker Ben Leber was the uncontested whitest linebacker on the Vikings’ roster that offered the most significant contributions. In recent years, this one hasn’t been much of a contest, but last year proved to be interesting. Chad Greenway, perhaps the whitest linebacker in name and pigment, emerged as a significant contributor to the linebacking corps, while special teams ace Heath Farwell, definitely a white dude, arose as a challenger most noticeably through his absence on the field, leading the Vikings to allow anything with a chromosome to score a touchdown on their special teams unit. Leber has his work cut out for him this year, as both Greenway and Farwell will be back and in top form, making this Vikings player title one of the more interesting ones to watch.
Oh, hey, I'm just acting casual and charming. *teehee!*

Oh, hey, I'm just acting casual and charming. *teehee!*

­- “Your Baby Face Doesn’t Fool Anyone” award brings new challengers: Recently, resident athlete and celestial figure Purple Jesus has been able to win this award with a breath taking smile and enough charm to make a gypsy see straight. But with recently drafted play maker and young wide receiver, 20 year old Percy Harvin, in the fold, competition just got a bit tougher. Add allegedly throw-away pick Jamarca Sanford to the mix, and pappa’s got a brand new bag. Can Purple Jesus hold off these new contenders? Will his wit, charm, youthful looks, charisma and mangling of classic hockey lines be enough to keep the hearts of fans? Stay tuned, as Harvin could be a dark horse here with his line about “the quarterback” already becoming a fan favorite.
Nah, coach, she's like 17. You're doing this all wrong.

Nah, coach, she's like 17. You're doing this all wrong.

- Who can bag the youngest piece in the metro area?: Through exploits that have been noted around these parts before, there have been alleged rumors that both Tarvaris Jackson and Sidney Rice have a penchant for under-aged ladies. What the public doesn’t know is that the behavior from these two players is an ongoing battle in an effort to retain the under-aged player title. Currently, Sidney Rice is the title holder, as he literally did nothing last year, so had plenty of time to “do some pull ups out by the jungle gym”. But with both players on the ropes and contending for starting spots in 2009, this summer is going to be tied up with unfortunate player preparations for the season including actually working out, attempting to learn the playbook and other essential team needs. This will undoubtedly limit both player’s exposure to public pools, YWCA camp grounds, and neighborhood games of stick ball (all of which are prime places to pick up high school chicks in the summer … so we hear), but should make for an interesting battle in 2009.  
RAWK!!

RAWK!!

- Chris Kluwe remains alone at the top: Guess who still plays the most video games, and is still the best at playing said video games? Perennial indoor kid Chris Kluwe, no doubt! With so little need to prepare for kicking a ball four times a week and absolutely no reason to work out in the offseason, Kluwe is able to practice Guitar Hero, SingStar, and beat and unlock all items in LEGO: Indian Jones like no other player on the roster. Despite being older than newcomer and avid immature gamer Percy Harvin, Kluwe still has built more levels in LittleBigPlanet than even the most imaginative and bored 12 year old Japanese boy, and is clearly the favorite to win the title of most avid gamer on the Vikings roster for the fourth straight year. Without contention. Jesus, Kluwe, go do something.   And that is the list for now. We may be able to reveal further titles held by players on the roster at a later date, but after wrapping up rookie camp this weekend, this is where the current and most interesting battles are at. Stay tuned, as things could change at any moment!     *This list is about as authentic as a flying unicorn fornicating with a wild boar to create the swine flu. Pretty sure that didn’t happen, but holy crap, that would be awesome.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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