Sweet baby Purple Savior, this is one of the best days out of the entire year, second to my birthday week (yes, I said week) of course. Thanksgiving is the greatest mash up of everything American that I can think of. Gluttonous food consumption. Lethargy while watching football in from of a television ALL DAY LONG. Significant booze drinking. Glorious poops. I really don’t know if it gets much better, and I bet that the Viking players would agree with me. I’m not going to sit here and write out a dialogue full of Greg Coleman tears of what we’re thankful for here at PJD. I only save my ball washing for one person, and his name is Paul Rudd. I will, however, make an argument of how a traditional Thanksgiving spread mimics the 2009 Vikings. Confused? Perhaps. Hungry? You bet! Disgusted that we would sink to such lows to post an item like this on a splendid holiday? Get fucked. Be happy you’re getting a chance to sneak away from your extended family that you hate for a few minutes to read our poorly made dick jokes! Anyway, onto the first ever (and probably last!) PJD’s Thanksgiving Mouth-Meat Party!
The Thanksgiving Turkey – Purple Jesus: Could Purple Jesus be anything else at the Thanksgiving table? The focus of the entire meal … nay, the entire day, is always placed solely on the magnificent bird. Just like how the entire team goes when PJ goes, the turkey will make or break the meal. And of course, it’s best when it’s dark meat. And PJ has some dark meat. That’s a dick joke, I’m pretty sure. This yeah, the Purple Jesus Turkey is inviting tasters to mix things up a bit though, perhaps tone down on the turkey and mix in a little more starch or vegetable. Don’t worry, he’ll still be there silently watching over you though. Mmmmm. Delicious bird and divine running backs makes for a fantastic holiday.
The Mashed Potatoes – Jim Kleinsasser: When I say “Boring, white, bland and lasts a long time” (probably not in bed though, I meant career wise) who comes to mind? Jimmy K of course! The mashed potatoes, while delectably filled with starchy goodness, provide no nutritional value to your meal, but do all of the little things well. The mashers are always there for you to build a potato volcano for your gravy. If you add just a dollop of mashed on your turkey it changes the entire complexion of the turkey. You’ll also find the mashed potatoes in weird clumps on your plate. Hey, how’d you get with the green beans? No matter, thanks for helping out! And if you take out “mashed potatoes” in this paragraph and insert “Jim Kleinsasser”, you would notice almost no difference. He’s always getting with green beans, that hairy freak.
The Sweet Potatoes – Sidney Rice: “So sticky, so sticky, so sticky … BAH BAH BAH!” Sticky Rice is perhaps a Thanksgiving staple for cultures that have RAPED OUR GREAT AMERICAN TRADITION, but it won’t be found at my table because I never actually thought about sticky rice at Thanksgiving until now. I love that shit though. At my table, Sidney “Sticky” Rice is found in an orgasmic blend of marshmallows and sweet potatoes. Salty, yet sweet. Sticky, yet slippery. Kind of like Sidney rice. I’m sure he’s a sweet kid off the field, but he’s got a salty attitude when he plays (See: 200 yards). And he’ll catch anything thrown his way with his sticky hands, yet is a slippery willy to tackle, just like trying to fork those sweet potatoes that slide all over your plate. Fucking delicious, though.
The Stuffing – Kevin Williams: Let’s see, who is the most versatile defensive player that also elevates all of his teammate’s play just by being around, and is stout against both the run and the pass? Why, the accidental draft pick Kevin Williams, of course! Just like the Thanksgiving stuffing that compliments each food item delicately, Kevin compliments the play of everyone behind him. When he plays well, EJ Henderson has a big day and the defensive backs don’t get their name called (unless you’re Karl Paymah. Jerk.) Also, just like Thanksgiving stuffing, Kevin Williams is a load. Both him and stuffing will, dare I say, stuff you, when you try to attack them? I should be shot for that pun. Regardless, both are very rewarding features of a meal and a defense.
The Gravy – Brett Favre: The glue that brings everything together and loosens up even the hardest of meal items, the gravy has multiple influences just like Brett Favre on the Vikings. Need something to boost the flavor of that dry turkey? BOOM! Purple Jesus is gashing your defense for 200 yards now that you got them running scared from the pass. Oh, are those mashed potatoes a bit starchy? SNATCH! Jim Kleinsasser just caught a pass for a first down, you cunt. You see, gravy just makes everything better and has close interplay with the turkey, much like Favre and PJ have a close relationship, namely, Favre hands the ball to him. Also, when you say “everything is gravy” I think you often times allude to the fact that everything is going well, which, when you have a QB that isn’t jump passing all the time, that’s how things usually go.
The Green Bean Casserole – Ben Leber: Ah, green been casserole; the side dish willing to do the dirty work without any of the accolades. Sure, you taste fine and even have a distinction among all Thanksgiving side dishes of being crispy and crunchy, but yet you are still often overlooked. Sound like someone familiar? Hm? Ben Leber, I am calling your name! While solid, yet not spectacular, consistent, yet not flashy, Leber plays second fiddle to Chad Greenway at outside linebacker. I don’t have Greenway listed here, but he’d probably be the brown sugar caramelized carrots as your vegetable side dish. Sexy, sweet and Midwestern. Leber? Kind of boring and looks like poop. At least, the green beans do. I don’t know so much about Leber. You get the idea.
The Deviled Egg – Percy Harvin: Slippery! Devlish! A little bit of kick in them! Pam Oliver goes ga-ga over them! Likes to yell at you occasionally! Ok, ok, I have no idea if Pam Oliver loves deviled eggs, and they don’t actually yell verbally at you either, but they’ll rumble your tummy and fire out your asshole two hours after consumption like Harvin will if you piss him off something fierce. But that’s how they, and Percy, get you! They sit there and look all respectful and enticing. My, what a delightful holiday treat! I bet you taste as delicious as you look! And you speak with such aplomb! And in fact they are as nice when you interact with them as when you bite into them. Sometimes they’ll slip from your grasp and fall to the ground. And if you thought that was the real fight just wait. These things, like Percy, are hard to take down. It’s best to just slide them around like a pinball.
The Bread Roll – Phil Loadholt: Plentiful and space filling, the dinner roll is a critical piece to the meal. It cleans up the mess that the other items, like the flashy stuffing and the boring mashed potatoes, won’t bother with. Phil Loadholt does likewise, partly because he’s fucking massive and partly because he’s a rookie that gets stuck with shit jobs. Tough luck, buddy. But just like Loadholt, the minute you butter up a warm roll and bite into it, or mix a bit of turkey, stuffing and green beans onto it and pop it into your mouth, you’ve got a warm explosion of kindness that is going down your gullet. Uh … I mean the roll, not Loadholt. Oh God, not Loadholt.
The Unfermented Apple Cider – Brad Childress: Bitter. Overrated. Typically a bad decision. I must be describing coach Childress! Hahahahalulslolzomg!! Well, I am, because I fucking hate apple cider. Unless there is booze in it. And now that I think about it, I might like Childress more if there was booze in him as well. Regardless, the cider is kind of a sour puss, has to be there to round out the meal, but no one really likes it. Sure, they’ll drink some of it and even pretend that they enjoy it only on Thanksgiving, but given their free time they wouldn’t touch that shit. Hot cocoa over apple cider any day of the week. That’s Brad Childress for you; a Thanksgiving home wrecker.
The Cranberry Relish – Antoine Winfield: Smallest dish on the table? Check. Usually made by someone old? Yes. Packs a wallop for being in such a small package? You bet your ass. And for anyone that has followed the now aging Antoine Winfield, you know that media people will describe him as such. Sure, he may be the tiniest side dish at the biggest meal, but he FUCKING BRINGS IT and will floor you with his potency, much like the cranberry relish. Also, much like the relish, people stay away from Antoine Winfield because they’re afraid of what he can do on the football field. Nobody really likes a lot of relish either. So … that’s how that ties together, I guess.
The Pumpkin Pie – Pat Williams: It’s dessert. Pat Williams is a big girl. I’m sure he likes pie. This one was easy.
Enjoy the football games, kids. Even enjoy all three if you have the NFL Network! And make sure you live the American dream and eat your face off today, then sleep for hours upon beautiful hours in a soft and comfortable chair. Huzzah, obesity!