Because the Packers lost, you see: Because without the Packers’ collapse you can bet that this NFC North division race would be hotter than a 19 year old in Cancun during Spring Break. While the Packers lost on a fluky play with zero time left on the clock, the Vikings decided to put their game away MUCH earlier than that and let Matt Moore and the Carolina Panthers run a train on them well before halftime. And why not? Hey, there’s nothing left to play for, right? I mean, the Pack just lost. The team must have already found out that they got that division LOCKED UP. Let’s just go have some fun, man! Oh, that’s right assholes, the Saints just lost on Saturday night and you were still in contention for the number one seed in the playoffs. SAY GOODBYE TO THAT POSSIBILITY, because you just got dusted by the Panthers 7-26. You put up seven points. Seven. One touchdown. What the hell is wrong with you people? I hate to be negative like Sean Jensen at the Pioneer Press all the time, but maybe he’s on to something. This Vikings team is looking more scared than a losing Michael Vick fighting dog. They’re playing tight, their offense has no rhythm, and the defense is being exposed. Funny, these sound like the women you prey on at a filthy bar. There are so many people for me to shake my fist at in undeserving and ridiculous anger over this embarrassment of a loss that I hardly know where to begin. Ha. That’s not true. Let’s get to the hating!
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval – Bryant McKinnie: Hey, Bryant? “Big Mac”? Mount McKinnie? Remember how when you were coming out of Miami University you proclaimed that you had never given up a sack to the quarterback you protected? You thought so highly of yourself that you even held out when the team drafted you because you knew you were worth the money. You were good to go, man! Best thing to happen to the left tackle position since Jonathan Ogden, right? Oh, that’s funny. I don’t remember Jonathan Ogden ever being BENCHED BECAUSE HE COULDN’T BLOCK A PASS RUSHER. What. The. Hell. I’ve given you some shit for many, many, many, many, MANY years now McKinnie. I’ve agreed with some that said you were overrated and that your vaunted “pass blocking skills” were being overvalued. But I’ve also stepped back and said to myself “Hey, you know what? The Vikings could probably have lots of other left tackles that are absolutely terrible out there, so let’s lay off McKinnie! He’s a good guy! He’s doing ok, I think!” Well NO MORE, slacker. You single handily became Julius Peppers’ bitch Sunday night, and he’s like 58 years old. I mean, even Brittany Murphy looked livelier Sunday night than you did. It’s outrageous. In the 2009 draft I was PISSED that the Vikings took Percy before Michael Oher. I thought Oher was a “can’t miss!” tackle prospect and knew that he would soon replace your worthless frame. When Percy started playing so ridiculous and the Vikes drafted Loadholt I got over it a bit. Now? No. No way. Percy has fish vision due to his migraines and Oher is a monster with a hit movie out. Have you ever been in a movie before? Didn’t think so. But thanks for ruining my Sunday night again, cock bag. You get s-s-s-stamped!
Can this team not play from behind? Even the Raiders came back and won yesterday with Jamarcus fucking Russel. What the hell is wrong with this team? I remember early in the season when the Vikings went into halftime at Detroit down 10-0. I thought to myself “Well, this isn’t that surprising. This is exactly the Vikings team I was expecting and have expected, every single year for more moons than a Twilight reference. Looks like they’ll lose!” But then they did the unthinkable and CAME BACK and actually won! And they did the same thing against the 49ers later too! They were down in the game and then came back and won it! UNREAL! And silly me, I went on to forget about how that type of behavior isn’t really what I am familiar with when we talk Vikings. No, I’m familiar with the team that, when down by more than five points, you can be assured will lose. And not just lose with dignity, but lose in the most gloriously embarrassing and disgusting fashion you could imagine. There will be no crazy come backs, no magic moments, no Sportscenter highlight reels. Nope. You may as well just turn the TV off and go back to your family, build up some brownie points for the college football season next year, because the game is OVA! In a way, it’s almost refreshing to have the Vikings return to form in 2009. Foolishly, despite overwhelming evidence, I sat and watched all of the Cardinals game and the Panthers game thinking that may Purple Jesus would provide a miracle, or that the Land Baron would steal a win like he steals land. Nope. It’s just the same type of shit as ever, just different fleshy masses underneath those silly circus outfits. Let’s just wrap these two regular season games up quickly and then head to the playoffs so we can lose promptly and look forward to the draft. Yay!
Childress, it doesn’t get much worse: Brad? Let me ask you a question, off the record of course. Have you ever thought about winning a game that you actually needed at the time? I mean, one that would be kind of like a “signature win” or maybe one that didn’t convince every single fan of the Vikings that your recent contract extension wasn’t a bigger mistake than the ugly girl they brought home from the bar? Because, goodness, Brad, I am just hard pressed to understand what it is your trying to do or how you’ve been able to trick Zygi Wilf into standing by your side for this long. To be honest, every, single, fan across the world knows you’re full of shit. We all know that your game planning is more offensive than Tara Reid’s stomach. We know you’re winning is all smoke and mirrors behind Favre audibles. Everyone knows that if the Wilf’s were to have waited to give you a contract extension until, oh, say like after you had shown your mettle in the playoffs, that you would be packing your shit quicker than Elin Nordegren. It blows my mind that you’re still coaching this team, and it provides me zero level of interest thinking that I get to watch a Brad Childress coached squad in the playoffs. One game elimination? Count on it. I could be no less excited, disappointed, heart broken, giddy that your ass will be fired, furious, and indifferent than I am right now with you, Brad. Get your shit together.
Favre was going to be benched? Uh, wow. That’s how bad this shit got. Ok, let’s back up. Yes, I did just go on a rant about Childress. His play calling did suck. But now we got a bigger issue on our hands with the god damn Land Baron trying to steal out team. According to people who have to write appropriate Vikings news stories that don’t include dick jokes, Childress tried pulling Favre out of the game in the third quarter when the Vikes were still up 7-6. Reread that if you must. I’ll wait ………… WHAT THE FUCK?! I don’t know what I’m more upset about here. McKinnie got benched because Childress didn’t like what he saw out of him. Ok, cool. Antoine was having a rough game but didn’t get benched. Was there discussion there? Favre was almost benched, but refused? Do I hate Childress here more for benching players or that prick Favre for thinking he was still going to win that game somehow? I ask this because I was thinking during the game, “You know, if there were quarterback like McNabb in for the Vikes he could maybe take advantage of this pass rush and run for a first down and make the defense respect the run a bit more. At the very least he could milk some clock to give the defense a rest. But where oh where could we ever find a quarterback like that?” Son of a bitch, is this a game where TarVar could have helped us win?? It’s almost too mind boggling to believe, but we can restart talk of a schism, or a quarterback controversy, or stupid conversation topics that will keep us entertained over Christmas this week if you would all like, because I am ready for this team to implode. As an aside, does anyone have the ability to take a screen shot of that image in the third where Childress had his hand on Favre’s arm and it looked like they were at the beginning of a domestic violence situation? I would love that picture. I’ll give you a Mushroom Stamp of Approval if you find it. This shit just got real though.
Tweets O’ the Game: It was an active night of Tweeting for many individuals. Several comments were filled with rage mode. Others, sadness. Most of them were simply hilariously meltdown-ish, if I may use that word. So let’s get right to them!
“With 3 minutes to play, Childress finally calls a screen behind Peppers. Fuck Childress.”
Seriously. And it went for like 50 yards. Why were we not doing this all game long? Oh. Right. Our coach is a disaster that didn’t bother to game plan against a pass rush and our hallowed running back can’t hold on to the ball during a screen pass. This will probably end well.
“So, Matt Moore is outplaying our Hall of Fame QB, and our All-World running back has 34 yards. Other than that it’s been a good game.”
Yeah, I’d say that sums it up nicely. If PJ doesn’t go, the Vikings look like asshats. When the Vikings look like asshats, Favre gets doe eyed and reverts to form. This December swoon is for real, people! And it’s fantastic.
“I want to thank the Vikings for showing us (the tax payers) why we should pay for a new stadium.”
No kidding. I personally wasn’t going to be convinced that this team deserved a stadium until AT LEAST they had won the Super Bowl. Now that they’ve effectively fucked their selves out of the number one seed and potentially the second (if things continue on as they have been), I am happy that the state government has been holding tight on these pricks. Put up or shut up, that’s what it’s about here! And not being stupid.
“No more NBC games please!”
Agreed. No more NBC games, because the Vikings always suck it up during these night games and because Collinsworth and Michaels are turning into complete dicks when they talk about the Vikings, and also no more primetime games not against the Packers, because the Vikings can’t seem to get up for any other team but them. In fact, if we can, please let the Vikings play their playoff games at noon on Sundays this whole postseason, including the Super Bowl. That’s the ONLY way they’ll have a chance.
And finally from the ever colorful NotJayCutler:
“Brett Favre’s facial hair reminds me of my grandma’s vagina.”
Ew. But accurate.
Thanks for those that participate and keep Tweeting! We’ll be on the look out for more LULZ always.
Shanking around home field advantage: I guess this will probably be the last week we do a shanking around home field advantage, because the Vikings decided to gut themselves straight out of that type of talk Sunday night. Instead, next week, we’ll start looking at potential playoff match ups. Why will we be doing this? Because I just spent a good portion of my Saturday night being very excited that the Saints lost to the Cowboys and was dreaming of Sugar Plums and first round byes going into Sunday. I thought to myself “This is all going exactly as I planned! The Vikings will get that first seed. Oh yes, they will get it!” THANKS FOR WASTING MY TIME VIKINGS. Cock bags. No, with this embarrassing outing the Saints have essentially locked up the one seed and now we find that the Vikings are in danger of not even keeping their current second seeding, which includes that important first round bye and home field advantage for at least one game. Could you imagine? Could the Vikings end up being like the fourth seed and having to face (AND LOSE!) to the Packers somehow? My god … I think I’m having a migraine or something, I can barely see anymore. Someone please just tell me that we’ve locked up the second seed and decided to stop playing touch football heading into the playoffs. Maybe I won’t be found trying to suffocate myself under a pillow then later tonight.
An angry haiku for a Vikings loss:
“Excuse me Mister,
Have you seen a playoff team?”
L.O.L! Not them!
Try to enjoy the week, everyone. Don’t worry. The Vikings aren’t dead yet, just thoroughly embarrassed. Stick around this week while we get out some Drunk Hulk ANGER and of course feel free to share yours with us. Otherwise, we’ll stick on a fairly normal schedule and have our next game preview Monday morning for the Bears game! See you then.