As was expected: I mean, we better be going to the playoffs. With the team we got? Shit, I would go Wolfman on London if the Vikings somehow missed the playoffs. If they win once there remains to be seen, but at least the Vikings are one of six NFC teams that are assured a playoff spot after they took out a whole lot of aggression on the Cincinnati Bengals Sunday, winning convincingly 30-10. In fact, this was so convincing that the wonderful fans even got a guest appearance from TarVar. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!! We also caught a glimpse of Albert Young who, dare I say, ran the ball well enough not to be cut this next week! Huzzah! Being the one thing that I have probably ever predicted correctly, the game turned out to be pretty sloppy on both ends, especially as the first quarter concluded. There was so much laundry on the floor that I thought it was my bedroom after the fiancé and I bring home some swingers on a Saturday night. Hm? But after everyone settled down, the Vikings played well. Harvin was out on Sunday, still suffering from “migraines” and several other rookies had to step in for injured players as well. Jasper Brinkley went Peter Gabriel on someone with a sledge hammer, but got mixed up a bit in pass coverage. Jamarca Sanford didn’t break anyone’s leg this week, so we’ll call that a success for him as well. Overall the Vikings won their 11th game of the year, clinching a playoff spot, and sent the fans home happy. Not me though. Shit was cold out yesterday. I watched the game on TV like a good American! Mushroom Stamp of Approval – Antoine Winfield: You little magnificent bastard. I’ve heard people say before that Winfield is like the Brett Favre of cornerbacks. Whenever he’s healthy enough to play (zing!) you will undoubtedly have an announcer exclaim how, although he may be the smallest player on the field, that Antoine can sure pack a punch! AND DO YOU THINK HE LIKES TO HIT??! Well, of course he does, dumb ass, he plays on defense. He damn well better. And while this talk does get annoying, I feel like Winfield has been with the Vikings long enough that his Bills days don’t really count any more, so when people tongue bathe him like this I just think “Yeah, he’s a Viking so it doesn’t bother me” even though I’m sure everyone else starts playing Russian Roulette. But even with one game of Winfield being back, and probably not having all of his endurance and “legs” underneath him (where else would they be though? On his side?), the plays he made were enough to remind fans just how much the team misses him when he’s not in the line up. That dick face Leonard Weaver that tried to jump him? Don’t bring that shit around Winfield, white boy. You try that on Benny Sapp and you’re golden, but Winny? Get fucked. I am so damn excited to have Winfield playing again that I am even willing to overlook his blown coverage on the Ocho touchdown. But that was just scientifically great play design, so in no way does it take away from this week’s Mushroom Stamp of Approval recipient, Antoine Winfield. Welcome back, Thomas the Train. What happened to Cincy? I mean really. I was expecting this to be a much closer game than it actually was. Ok, maybe not like a juggernaut slug fest type of game, but when it was all zeros after the first quarter I was expecting a barn burner! Instead, the Bengals offense decided to not show up. In fact, I was grossly disappointed in Carson Palmer. His reads seemed off, his accuracy poor, and he wasn’t eating enough hot dogs on the sidelines. I thought he was supposed to be kind of elite? I bet TarVar could play as well as him this season and I can assure you that is not elite play. I don’t know if this had to do more with the Vikings defense or the Bengals offense. I mean, the Vikings defense played outstanding today. Benson tickled their choad by almost gaining 100 yards, but fell short JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. And Palmer was held under 100 yards passing as well. That’s fucking crazy in this day and age of the NFL. If I hear one more announcer talk about how the Vikings passing defense is the weak spot on this team I will lose my shit. That’s about as relevant as a Monica Lewinsky joke. I will say though that I was real impressed with the Bengals cornerbacks. Joseph and Hall were fantastic. That’s what you get when you invest a couple of first round picks in one position, I guess. Do you think a team could similarly do that for a quarterback? God that would be awesome to see some day. A young, fearless, dashing GQ quarterback, instead of an old, Denny’s Early Bird eating Wal-Mart sponsoring meat bag. Someday, someday … This love affair is over, old man: Oh, speaking of? Brett Favre you can fucking leave my team right now. I am sick of your shit. That interception you threw was outrageously bad. Why would you not just throw it away there? You did that for like the first quarter of the season, so why do you stop not being a fuck wad when the calendar hits December? And your pass over the line of scrimmage? God I hate it when you do that shit. It’s not funny, or quirky, or cute or you just loving to play the game or anything. It’s Brett Favre, the biggest whoring whore that’s ever whored, taking points off of the team’s board. Almost had a touchdown there, old man, if only you wouldn’t have been THREE YARDS OVER THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE! What. The. Fuck. I’ll be honest. I am starting to prepare for the worst, because Favre looked more scared than a virgin on a Bang Bros bus on the field on Sunday. Something is in his head right now, and the team would almost be better off with TarVar back there, I swear to god. He plays great when he’s not supposed to, so just put him in now and let Favre rest up so he can be a savvy cock muffin in the playoffs. You’re still on the shit list, you wrinkle bag, and you always will be. Until you win me everything, then we can be friends. Contest winner! On Friday, we tried to do another “fun” contest. And by “fun” I of course mean pointless and probably trying for anyone who participated. Regardless, I now feel obligated to follow up with the results. We had a handful of submissions this week, but only ONE could walk away as the winner! This week, it is reader Scott who guessed seven out of the nine clues correctly. As a reminder, these were certain ailments of various players on the Vikings roster that “popped up” on the injury report this week. True story! Anyway … Scott needs to send me a picture to Stamp this week. In the meantime, you get to look at that sweet picture of Squid showing mad ups and dunking the football over the field goal posts. BOOSH! And one. Below are the answers that I was thinking of …
A dry spell – Percy Harvin. It’s a weed joke! Being an unused quarterback – Rosenfail. A bruised femur – EJ Henderson, obviously. A lost AARP card – Old Man Favre. Broken ankles – Tyrell Johnson, after Anquan ran past him. A heart attack after Texas almost lost the Big XII title game – Cedric Griffin. Being forgotten, overrated and outshined this year – . The team not wanting any personal fouls called this game – Benny Sapp, you stupid fuck. A shaven neck beard – Steve Hutchinson. In retrospect, his beard is very well manicured. Jim Kliensasser would also have been accepted.
Thanks to those who participated. We’ll maybe take a hiatus on the “contests” (Thank god, right??!) until we come up with some better ideas and maybe even better prizes. HURRAY! YOU’VE WON AIDS! We’ll keep working on it. Tweets o’ the Game: There were some typical people who usually Tweet during the Vikings games noticeably absent yesterday, and others who popped up actually at the game! Who would have thought! Anyway, let’s get to the greatest Tweets of the game! From acforever:
“Bengals jittery, false starting all over the place like an over-eager teenager with his first woman.”
Or even his first man for that matter. The allusion is fitting because of how sloppy the first quarter of the game was, on both ends, but I find it a bit sexist because it insinuates that women aren’t sloppy during their first sexual encounters. OH I FORGET. WOMEN ARE PERFECT. From everyone’s favorite Steelers humper, Xmasape comes:
“Favre’s just having fun with the line of scrimmage.”
God I hated that play. You doucher Favre. I remember when he did a toss like that against the Vikings three or four years ago, underhand too no less, and the announcers went ape shit over how adorable it was. He’s just having fun! Look at that wink he gave Bubba Franks! What a kid out there! What a fucking idiot is more like it. From berstreet:
“I just love it when we settle for FGs all the time. It’s because Minnesotans are humble & we just don’t want to rub it in!”
I sense a bit of sarcasm in that comment. I would also tend to think the real issue is that our coach calls some horrible, horrible plays while in the red zone, and that our “hall of fame quarterback” has gone gun shy in the last week, limiting the team’s scoring potential. I will say this though. Having the ball within the 10 yard line and watching PJ run it three times down the Bengals throat is something I’ve been waiting to see for, like, three years. Of course, now that Childress has shown his hand we’ll never see this play calling again. From ProFootballTalk:
“Quote of the day from Greg Gumbel on Ragnar the Viking, dancing in his pelt-covered vest: ‘How must that fur smell?’”
About as fresh as Deanna Favre’s merkin. Finally from Brandt32:
“Why does Greg Lewis only make crazy catches?!?!?”
That’s a fair question as well. His deflected reception should have obviously been picked off, which would have put Favre at three touchdowns and three interceptions already in the month of December. Un-fucking-real. This guy better get his head on straight. And Greg Lewis? You’re no Percy Harvin, I’m sorry to say. Thanks for hanging out though. Shanking around home field advantage: Well, damn you straight to hell Atlanta, you can’t seem to do anything right. The Saints miraculously held on against a shitty, shitty, Atlanta team on Sunday in order to go to 13-0. They locked up a first round bye in the playoffs, but could still implode epically so that the Vikings could somehow get that first round bye. I wouldn’t hold your breath for it though. As stated, with the win on Sunday the Vikings did at least guarantee their selves a spot in the playoffs. They could have locked up the division if the Packers had lost, but the Bears decided to present themselves appropriately for an anal clubbing when they let Ryan Grant run like 70 plus yards for a touchdown on the first play of scrimmage. Thanks for playing, guys! Just return the favor when the Vikings have to go to your shit city in a couple of weeks. The NFC East continues to be a whirlwind of teams that want to crap on each other for a playoff spot as well. The Eagles are now at 9-4 and lead the division. You just know that the Vikings will face them again in the playoffs and lose to another dumb screen pass. It’s just tangible. It WILL happen, and it’ll drive me crazy. As it stands though, the Vikings may have to wait until week 16 before they can lock up the second seed. That’s too bad, because I wanted more than just one game of full on TarVar. Maybe we’ll get lucky. A winning haiku for a Vikings win: So many Vikings With big names but just one is Gonna be a STAR! Enjoy the week everyone. Football season is coming to its climax! It is simply invigorating, and as always, a bit too soon. Enjoy it while it lasts. Check us out throughout the week for more updates. We’ll have new merchandise soon and some other special things. And of course, we’ll be back on Friday for another game day preview against the Panthers!