Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Bye Week Preview: This Is Unacceptable, Vikings

sadfan

Wait, so what am I supposed to do now? Soo … there’s seriously no Vikings football on this weekend? Hooboy. We’re going to need some major time distractions here, aren’t we? Here’s the deal; if you’re a dumbass like me that doesn’t pay for extra football channels so you get stuck with whatever Fox and CBS plays, you’re in for a world of hurt. I’d guess that there is a really good chance that the Packers and Buccaneers game will be on Fox, so you’ll be subjected to douchebag Aaron Rodgers running around like a certified alto after he scores a touchdown on a terrible Tampa Bay team. At some point, that’s going to just be too much to watch, so if you’re lucky you may get to catch an AFC game between the Ravens and the Bengals, or maybe Texans and Colts. Really, it doesn’t matter though because outside of fantasy relevance you probably have zero rooting interest. So here’s an idea. Take your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/dog/secret lover/pedophile step dad out to a movie or something. I hear that “Men Who Stare At Goats” is a real gas! With the weather potentially being not freezing as well, maybe you can even go walk down by the river, or stroll through the free zoo at Como Park. Mmmmm! Lovely!

Ha, just kidding. There will still be some football on TV come Sunday, so you can bet you’re ass will be right in from of it. In the meantime, here are some other things to distract you through this long, tough, Bye Week.

sexboat

Over/Under on a sex boat joke this weekend? You can always play the drinking game every time some brain dead, gap toothed announcer like Terry Bradshaw or balding, sweaty palmed fat man like Chris Berman makes some half assed crack about the Vikings hopefully staying away from any boats this weekend because they once had the party to end all parties during a bye week, like, 37 years ago. Chances are you’ll be plenty tossed by the later afternoon games if you do this, because a sex boat joke is irresistible to retarded sports announcers. Really? Sex boat jokes? Here’s another funny joke; remember when the Vikings missed their draft pick? HURR HURR! I want to punch fucking announcers when they continue to bring that up. Yeah, fuck face, I recall that happening. Do you also remember how they still ended up with Kevin Williams who turned out to be A FUCKING MAN?! Yeah, fuck off. Sex boat jokes are the worst, except for when you’re acknowledging how absolutely amazing the entire event was. Think about it; a dozen or so huge black dudes worth millions of dollars go out on a boat and start lubing up double sided dildos, tossing used condoms all over the place, boozing it up, and get LUCRATIVE lap dances from strippers that Bryant McKinnie flew up from Miami. Best party ever? Best party ever. If you acted like you were disgusted by what those players did or that you were embarrassed by it all than you’re either a fucking liar, asexual or a dirty hipster. Either way, I hope you DIE.

babyjesus

Mail Dump: Just because it’s the bye week doesn’t mean we can’t waste our time with the Mail Dump! So let’s jump to it. Remember, always send your random questions and observations our way so that we may drown in obtuseness and email notices. Write to purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com, Tweet, or leave comments. I don’t care.

Question from Scott:

Why do Viking’s teams ALWAYS seem to have so much talent yet be so undependable?

It’s a general Minnesota curse. Reader Berstreet also wrote a blog post addressing this issue once. I think it helps to feed our inferiority complex to eastern market sports teams, but it more accurately reflects the fact that our team’s management staff has mostly sucked balls forever. But really, we could be Twins fans or Cubs fans, or Vikings fans or Bills fans, or Wolves fans or Clipper fans. I’ll take my chances with the hometown team, I guess. We’re building up karma points like it’s nobodies business.

Commenter Jessica asks:

Baby Jesus (Joe Mauer) vs. Purple Jesus…who wins in a game of water polo?

On the record, my response is Purple Jesus and it wouldn’t even be close. Off the record, I’m leaning towards Baby Jesus, but let me make something clear. I have zero idea what the rules, strategies, or uniforms of water polo look like. I’m assuming it’s fairly metrosexual. I think you also have to throw a ball or something, although don’t quote me on that. I’m assuming that in the water Purple Jesus’ speed would be negated by water resistance and that Baby Jesus’ strength, his good looks and his arm, would be free to throw the ball into whatever they throw a ball into. Naturally, with two divine powers matching blow for blow, it’d be a close and sexy matchup, but that fails to address the fact that Baby Jesus is still going to be a New York Yankee in 2011.

Michael In Main writes:

How Ironic would it be if we faced the Packers at Home in the Playoffs? Ratings break a record?

Shit would be epic fah sho, but I’m already worried about this being a repeat of 2004 when the Pack swept the Vikings and then got mooned on their home turf. I would go beast mode in a cancer ward if that happened this year, so I hope the Vikings avoid that all together.

Thanks for the questions again, seriously. Feel free to send in anymore you have about anything, anytime, all the time.

jennsterger

A college football preview? Sure, why not. See, this is a blog about a professional football team, so outside of some draft previews and wishes for a new, better, strapping young quarterback behind center, there’s not much of a college football conversation that happens here. THAT ALL CHANGES TODAY, MY FRIENDS. Actually, not really. I am just going to mention that I love college football more than accidental celebrity nipple slips, and I think you should too. Now, you don’t have to like my team, I guess, even though you really should. But just as long as you like a team. And trust me, there’s nothing weird, or gross, or depressing about someone well out of his college years cheering and yelling and screaming profanities at a bunch of 18-22 year old kids that are just trying to play a game they enjoy. Nothing at all. In fact, it makes perfect sense. What I’m doing when I’m yelling at those careless fuckwads is teaching them important life lessons about trust, respect, how stupid sports fans are and how if they lose this game my entire fucking weekend and quite possibly fall months will be ruined because of their ineptitude. These are important lessons, lessons that can’t be taught in a text book! Also, college football is just such a better shit show than the pros, so it’ll always have that going for it. Also, you’ll find some of the greatest personalities in sports like Lee Corso, dreamy Jesse Palmer, Joe Paterno, retreads like Mike Sherman, Jenn Sterger, and many more! This weekend, enjoy games like Oklahoma v. Nebraska, LSU v. Alabama and I guess Ohio State v. Penn State. If those two weren’t ranked I wouldn’t even mention the stupid Big 10, though. There’s not even 10 teams in that conference. The name makes less sense than a Roland Emmerich film.

pdg

PJD’s recipe for some Pico de Gallo: Little known fact: I used to work in a restaurant for about nine years. It was horrible and fantastical all at the same time. I learned some of my best poop and sex stories from there, and sometimes they went together! I also learned how to make some things with food, sometimes. One of my favorite things without question, and perhaps the easiest thing to prepare and use ever, was pico de gallo. It’s simple, tasty and refreshing! And seriously, it goes with anything. You make a batch of it and add it to your eggs, your burgers, your rice, your tacos, with chips, some soup, fresh baby seal blubber … absolutely everything. So here’s how to do it:

YOU NEED:

4 roma tomatoes

½ a white onion

¼ cup of diced cilantro

1 jalapeño pepper, add more for additional sexy spiciness!

1 lime, juiced

1 lemon, juiced

 

CUT THAT SHIT UP:

Making it is pretty easy. You cut the roma’s up real small into cubes. Personally, I split it in half, cut length wise about a quarter inch, then flip it and cut it the short way. Do the same thing with the onion and the jalapeños. Dice the cilantro up small as well, and toss that in the bowl. Squeeze the juice from the lime and the lemon into the bowl, mix and BOOSH, you have an orgasm ready to explode down your throat. Try it this weekend! You wife will love it. The orgasm I mean. What?

eodm

Random top five songs I suggest you listen to this weekend: I have zero reason for why I picked these out. I am just filling space at this point, as I am sure you can conclude by now. But these are all good songs for a variety of reasons and probably aren’t all that ground breaking. Therefore, I suggest at the very least you listen to 30 second clips of them on iTunes, or follow the link to a YouTube video (if I can find one for the song). Hate one of them? Want to suggest your own? Add your ideas, and links jerk off, in the comments! In no particular order …

1. “I Like to Move in the Night” by Eagles of Death Metal off their album Death by Sexy.

2. “Get Up” by Lost Boyz off their album Legal Drug Money.

3. “Ghostwriter” by RJD2 off his album Deadrnger.

4. “Fire Woman” by The Cult off their album Sonic Temple.

5. “Your Heat is Rising” by Electric Six off their album Flashy.

Shit. That was more difficult than I anticipated. I could put any millions of other songs on there, but give those a shot. I blame iTunes’ shuffle selection.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SopVIc4SCFo

Whose Line is it Anyway clip: Holy shit, I love this show. If they just had a TV channel that only played episodes from this, I would O-Face all over my living room. They do have a YouTube channel with lots of them, but it’s not the same. The only place I can find episodes on TV now are on ABC Family at 11:00 PM Wednesdays and Thursdays. I mean, I never watch that channel for Greek or anything else, I swear. Anyway, there’s your random clip full of LULZ.

pjdlady

I thought it was best if we all looked at this: Until someone finds me a better picture of a sexy-time looking lady wearing a Purple Jesus jersey and holding a football while doing the no pants dance, this sweet lady here becomes the official mascot … or cheerleader … or eye candy … or spank bank material of the website. Sooo … that’s encouragement for you as well to convince any woman you see this weekend – really, ANY WOMAN – to don a number 28 jersey and become a competitor. Approach her and just say you want to take pictures of her to make her famous. I PROMISE that will work!

ad011

Second half season preview: Ok, back to some football here. The Vikings are set up to go on a nice little run here in the second half. By my conservative estimation they could finish 12-4. I figure that the Lions, Seattle, one Bears game, maybe the Giants, and probably a split between the Panthers or Bengals would leave the team looking pretty solid. Who knows though, the Bears look like a drunk chick at a party and they could implode towards the season’s end. The Bengals could be legit and throw piss balloons all over our dumpy playing turf in a win. The Cardinals game could be a tough win, so I didn’t count it, but Old Man Warner did just throw five picks. I think the Giants game is probably critical though to win if the Vikings want a first round bye throughout the playoffs. If they finished 13-3 I’d say that bye spot is a lock, though. Regardless, I guess I am assuming that a playoff spot is a lock, so if they somehow fail to do that shit could get epic around here. Let’s just hope it doesn’t get to that point, or I swear I will punch a baby clown on the penis tip.

 

Enjoy the bye week, I guess. There should be plenty of things her for you to distract yourself with while the Vikings are ass blasting strippers on boats (woohoo!). If you have any other time wasting ideas, put them in the comments. See ya Monday.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

Quantcast