Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: A Childress Story

Please don’t ever schedule the Vikings for a Sunday night game again: So at least we got that going for us tonight, right? In review: the two times the Vikings have played on Sunday NIGHT this year they’ve gotten prison loved worse than Bernie Madoff. However, on Monday nights they have played like a team possessed and rocked the socks off of their opponents more impressively than Bobby Fischer. What is today? Today is Monday. Therefore, if I don’t see some Chicago ass smeared all over Soldier Field with a vengeance I am going to be livid. And I’m not just talking like if there is a nine point win or something. This needs to be a blow out. This needs to be a game where the week long bickering about Favre and Childress gets put to rest. It needs to be a game where the entire team plays in a way that says to fans, “Yeah, we realize that the Saints just lost to Tampa Bay and that we still have a shot at the number one seed, but we don’t care because we’d Snookie punch these bastards anyway because we’re simply a damn good football team.” They need to win, and win big. So on Monday night, despite a week of bullshit media coverage, people claiming the Vikings are a lifeless and bloated floating body in the Mississippi River, Purple Jesus rushing in recent weeks like a peasant and Favre inching ever closer to his predictable Judasing of the team, the Vikings need to come out, shut up, DO WORK, and put these God Damn Bears into hibernation. … Although, I think I read somewhere that bears don’t actually hibernate. Can anyone confirm this? Regardless, let’s get a win, damnit.

Thanks to some rube named Bleedin’ Purple over at Rube Chat for another holiday themed game day graphic!

I swear if you pretend to play, Chicago …: I will freak the fuck out. The problem here is that I can already foresee how this is going to go down tonight. After an entire year of being a horrible, horrible, fantastically shitty football team, the Bears are going to come out and play “inspired” football against the Vikings on the big prime time stage. That is fucking garbage. Your team sucks, Chicago. You know it sucks, the NFL knows it sucks, I bet even fans in Spain know your team sucks. But I also know that you’re city and team is going to make Monday night a god damn living hell for me by playing things close. Just knock it off. You’re clingier than that high school girl that got her cherry popped by the 28 year old greaser with a bike, you JERK! If Matt Forte decides to finally live up to his preseason hype, if Greg Olsen decides to be a cunt in my side, if their defense has a flash back to over exaggerated years past, I promise you I will punt a baby dog off of the high bridge. No joke. In the middle of winter. I’ll even wait until the river freezes completely so that I am assured that it’ll break its neck on impact. And of course it will be wearing a Bears jersey. God, I hate you Chicago. Please just roll over and go back to complaining about the Bulls until next summer. PLEASE!

I can’t get over how terrible Cuntler is: I still find this whole trade for Jay Cuntler to be hilarious even at the end of the regular season. You could not have wet dreamed this outcome any better. The most self congratulatory quarterback I can recall in recent history (minus the fuck face Favre of course) forces a trade out of Denver and ends up in the city with the largest small penis complex ever (Largest smallest, etc. etc.), only to take their over compensating Ferrari of a sports franchise out for a joy ride to watch it crash and burn in a fiery wreck that killed everyone within a 100 mile radius, including three innocent children. YOU ANIMAL, CUNTLER! But seriously, I love it. I love how everyone was concerned that the Bears were going to go on a terror for years to come. I love how Vikings fans were cursing Childress and Wilf’s name for not trading the farm in order to get Cutler themselves. I love how the Bears, who now apparently have holes big enough on the defense that you could twirl a cane through, have no high draft picks for two consecutive years to assist in filling said holes with immediate impact players because they’ve played all their cards on the sulkiest face that has ever sulked. My god, this whole experience has been like opening up a mystery closet in a mansion and experiencing the depths of the universe and befriending the stars. Unexpected orgasmically glorious. Some may say, “Hey, PJD, that’s really low of you to get your jollies off of some other team’s misfortune and heartbreak.” To them I say, you adorable retards, go back to the sand box. Chicago is fucked and so is Jay Cutler and I could not be happier. Unless, of course, this was the Packers.

Norman Van Brocklin gives you a pepaw game night forecast: “HEY! What took you so long to post this game preview tid bit on this here internet majig? I bet you’ve already looked to see what the weather is like in Chicago, didn’tya? Well la-ti-da, magic man, but put your fancy computer bug away if you want to really learn what the weather is going to be like! I’ll tell you this; you can trust robots and blinking lights all you want, but when you’re getting a sense for the weather there is only one indicator you can trust. Your bones! And right now? Jesus flippin’ frozen icicle Christ are my bones cold! It feels like the cold streak of ’72 when your face would freeze off, literally, if you were outside for more than 20 seconds! … What? No, I mean 1772. Shit was cold back then. We didn’t even have wrapped pigskin to play with, we just played this sport with canon balls in our bare feet in 38 inches of snow. I heard you panty wastes got a little bit of snow up there? What? Speak up … 16 inches or so? Awwww … Did you horse and buggy get stuck? You dolts. This is called the vaginaification of America, a country I fought for! I hate it! Here’s the deal; it’s going to be warm in Chicago tonight, ok? Like 20 degrees or so. Absolutely balmy in comparison to other conditions I’ve seen. Will it freeze your testicles off? Probably. But will you ask to come out of the game? You better not, pussy! Play through this! But remember, the minute you think you’ve figured this weather out is the minute it gets ya! Now beat it, I want to watch my Dragnet.” 

Predicting the Gruden take: This Monday Night Football broadcasting team is brutal. I’m going to be honest and let you all know that I rarely watch (or at least pay attention to) Monday night games. Listening to, let alone watching, the actual broadcast is even more brutal than looking at Chris Berman in high definition. If anything, I’ll watch and listen to the games once they are well into kick off, but one of the worst things about the whole prime time game experience are the featurettes shown to begin the broadcast. You know, it used to be Kornheiser offering a heart felt story about an athlete coming back from adversity to get to this pinnacle of a point now, ON MONDAY NIGHT! Since his weasel face has left, Gruden hasn’t really offered much of anything new and exciting, and his feature pieces are even worse. It’s like they seriously attempt to take on the spin of a casual observer while trying to coyly disregard those years of coaching he’s had. Sure, he references coaching all the time, but it’s like he was just some yokel that ended up as a coach. Now he’s just some no name guy that is like the fan that wants to let you know about this weird experience he had! Instead of tip toeing around the fact that you coached in a Super Bowl and that you’re not just some other dude that hangs out with Bill Simmons, I’d rather you would just let some dirt fly. Monday he’ll say something like “Hey, I used to coach with Brett Favre as well, and I tell you what, I loved the guy, loved him, but he always had a desire to win, and sometimes he’d take that into his own hands. But that’s what you get with Favre! Never a dull moment, Jaws!” Fuck that. Just tell the audience the truth, John. Tell them “Favre would blow me in the club house hours before game time if I promised to let him call whatever plays he wanted. And I’ll tell you what, he audibled ALL THE TIME!” That’s the shit I’m talking about. Give us some real dirt.

PJDs Mail Dump: Another bout of mail?! Did anyone send left over Christmas cookies?? [Shuffles through mail bag furiously] … Son of a bitch. Let’s get to this then.

Scott asks:

“I also would like to see you address the possibility of PJ giving ‘tells’ as to where he is running.”

This was something that came up a while ago, and was kind of glossed over. The background was essentially that Purple Jesus was somehow offering a “tell” to the defense about which way he would run based off of where his eyes were looking pre-snap. Childress essentially diffused this at a press conference when he said he thinks it’s bullshit and that PJ wears his helmet so low that no one can see his eyes anyway. These things are all true, but I also like to think that PJ is checking off each defender pre-snap and silently forgiving their sins because they have no idea what kind of blasphemy they are about to commit when they attempt to tackle him. That, or he just happens to be eyeing the defenders over the backs of his offensive linemen as he’s silently cursing those pricks to hell for not maintaining any of their blocks. Dicks.

Robowill says:

“take your pick Family Matters, Growing Pains or Step by Step and explain why.”

Wow, great, great question. While I’m surprised you didn’t throw in Full House (Aunt Becky? Yes please!), and while Growing Pains seems like the obvious choice here, what with that sexy Kirk Cameron and all, for some reason I have fonder memories of Family Matters. Maybe it’s because Jaleel White gave hope to mega nerds everywhere. Maybe it’s because the dad, Reginald VelJohnson, reminds me of when I saw him in the first Die Hard movie. I think that’s the ONLY other things he’s been in. Whatever the reason, I have to pull for Family Matters. It is hard to turn down Step by Step though when you had Suzanne Somers. Did she ever get naked in that show? Maybe flash a boob or something? Because then I may change my mind.

Djr asks:

“What’s your New Year’s resolution?”

I’m not sure if he’s asking about mine personally or Purple Jesus’. PJ’s, I’m assuming, is to convince his head coach to let him run wild so that he attacks holes and beats up defenders like he had done during his rookie campaign. He’ll probably also guarantee to make sure that Phil Mackey totally forgets who this “Chris Johnson” character is, and make him look like a fool for chastising him about his fumbling and human-esque YPC. Oh, Phil, ye have little faith. Me? I vow to stop masturbating to pictures of fat chicks. Ok, ok … as much.

From PJD (That’s right, I’m asking YOU! THE READER! A question. Put your answers in the comments!):

“Is it poor form of me to grab the handicap stall in the bathroom at work? There are very few men in the office to begin with, and none of us are handicapped. Do the same rules apply here as they do for parking?”

Thanks for everyone who offered questions. Again, anything that comes up – question, observation, funny pictures, videos, links, ANYTHING – send them our way or comment here or on our Twitter feed!

You have never seen this much airbrushing: You have to ask yourself; is that a real woman under there? The answer? … no. No it isn’t. Or, wait … No, I’m still pretty sure that’s airbrushed to look real. The fact is that the women in Chicago guaranteed do not look like this. Ever. In fact, I will give much praises to the individual that can find me a video capture tonight of some ugly chick in the Soldier Field stands. Ugliest one wins!

Preparing a prediction for the worse: I could make the paper prediction here. You know, the one that says that the Vikings are the vastly superior team and that they will roll all over a lifeless Bears team like a Lindsay Lohan prepping for another money shot. But we all know that’s not going to happen. We all know that the Bears are going to fight like a bunch of little douche bags and try to spoil our fun. And we hate them for that. So god damn much. And while you would think that the Vikings would hate these assholes equally you also know that they’re going to appear lifeless and listless, like your date over this past weekend. Will the Vikings win? Yeah, I actually think they will. Will it be pretty? You bet your ass it won’t. Purple Jesus is going to pound the shit out of the rock tonight. If you have some guy you’re playing in your fantasy championship game, well … I feel bad for you. He probably won’t get a bunch of TDs, but he’s carrying the ball 25+ times tonight, guaranteed. In fact, Favre may be such a stubborn bitch tonight about Childress yelling at him for audibles that Favre may audible from a called pass play to a running play EVERY TIME, just to stick it to Pedo-Beard. Either way, with the weather looking cold, and a pretty big gut check game, expect a slow grinder tonight, like me on your mom. I’m calling it. 17-10 Vikes. Put your prediction in the comments.

Enjoy the game everyone. Sorry about these technical difficulties today. If you don’t already hate Comcast you can consider this preview delay your reason. Keep the Tweets coming too for tomorrow’s (on time?) game review! See you then.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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