Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: Chances of Wisconsin Kids Dressing up as Purple Silver Fox for Halloween? 100%.

vikespackheader Ok, Packer Fans, let’s get this out of the way: I don’t like you and you don’t like low fat foods, so let’s just get through this preview, the game on Sunday, the review on Monday, and then call off any interaction until 2010 after you’re done watching the Vikings in the playoffs. On Sunday, approximately at 3:15 PM, Green Bay is going to have a verifiable shit show descend upon their hallowed grounds. Packer fans will be filled with the blood rage of a thousand ogres (see also: their wives) as the Vikings come to town looking to faux-moon and curb stomp their faces into their meat packing town. Silver Fox may tell you that this game is just one of 16 in the season. The Packer players may be keeping their mouths shut about how excited they are for this game. But they know. Everyone knows, even Purple Jesus, who said this game is going to be bananas. And he’s right. This game is going to be like watching that poison fog in the Simpsons Tree House of Horrors episode that turns everyone inside out. The very fabric of Wisconsin time and space will be torn asunder as Favre walks out onto Lambeau in purple and gold to square off against his former team, again, but this time IT’S PERSONAL! Just kidding, it was personal last time. But this time he may have Vicodin and piss balloons thrown at him, which could get pretty ugly. Luckily, the game was moved to the late afternoon so we can maybe hear Joe Buck (Please tell me we have him announcing the game!) talk about how much of a disgusting act that was from Packer fans. God I can’t wait. I hope to fucking god I get to see a wee Packer child with tears streaming down his plump little cheeks this Sunday. It would make my entire year. Thanks again to a rube named Gandar over at Rube Chat for providing another Game Day Preview Graphic! MNFpackfans023 Here is just a sample list of things I hate about Wisconsin: I honestly could not write enough about how stupid Wisconsin is. It’s like Bizarro Minnesota, with their lakes and plains and occasional metropolitan areas, but backwards. The main difference is, of course, that the entire state fucking sucks. It’s just fucking deplorable. Here are some things that are so, so, so terribly wrong with it:

- They’re not Minnesota – The double chins seen frequently on their faces look like small butt cracks – Their residence’s affinity for animal fornication – They house some of the dumbest sports franchises in history (The Milwaukee Bucks? Fuck off). – It’s the state where notable pussy Georgia O’Keefe was born. Her affliction for being a huge bleeding gash apparently spread to the states football team, as well. Also, Liberace was born in Wisconsin. That pretty much says it all. – Their strippers have an average age of 38.9. It is so low because of an outlier, aged 20, that came over from Minnesota with her abusive husband, I’m guessing. – This whole meat packing and cheese loving thing is really fucking weird.

Got any other things you also hate about Wisconsin? Put them in the comments. I would love to see a flame war start, but that’s just me. lamblows Oh and Lambeau? Choke on a meat stick: Seriously. I’m fucking sick of hearing about this stadium. Who gives a shit. You know who else has an outdoor stadium, Wisconsin? Pretty much every single college team and the majority of pro teams across the country. Many of these buildings are much more historic, and actually more fun to be in, than your toilet bowl of a football cathedral. Have I ever been? No, of course not. Why would I willingly go surround myself with people that smell like salty butter? If I wanted that I’d just go stroll by Land O Lakes, a MINNESOTA corporation. No, no I’ll prefer to stay far away from your overrated sports stadium. I don’t care if it’s historic. You know what other stadiums are historic? Wrigley Field and Fenway Park. You know what two baseball stadiums have the lowest appreciation from both fans and players? You fucking guessed it. You can add all the video boards, sky boxes, bells and whistles and cut out the cheerleaders that you want, you dirty pigeons, but your bowl shaped receptacle in the middle of nowhere is still craptastic. No one cares but you people. Get over it. vikings-packers002 But seriously, this game is kind of a big deal: Really. As per my juvenile understanding, if the Packers win this weekend they will only be one game back in the NFC North. The next week, the Vikings will have their bye week, most likely consisting of Wisconsin strippers and pole dancing lessons for 16 year olds, and the Packers play the woeful Bucs who will be well into the Josh Freeman experiment. I don’t see that going very well for the Bucs. That means that after the Vikings bye week, they could have done nothing wrong yet find their selves tied atop the division board. Not awesome, at all. In fact, with the Bears playing football like they’ve been drinking moonshine all season, the division is steering full steam ahead towards a Packers and Vikings competition. But guess what? After this week they don’t get to fight for the division crown anymore, they just have to hope the other team fucks up. I don’t like that about early season division matchups. The Vikings are scheduled to play the Bears twice in the latter part of the season, but those games may mean horse shit. So get your jollys in now, because this week may decide the division. A win here puts a lofty lead between the Vikings and the Packers and may create such an uphill battle for the Packers to climb for the division that even VIKTOR the VIKING would find it daunting. And he’ll try anything. Once.  chocobacon An (un)healthy distraction from the game: You may not have heard about this yet, so let me fill you in on something. This weekend is Halloween. That means your Facebook friends will unwittingly be dumping loads of semi-nude photos of them and their friends, both men and women unfortunately, dressed up in ridiculous outfits and looking drunker than Leonard Little. This also means that you may find an influx of candy in your immediate vicinity. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that most of the readers on this site are too old to go out trick or treating (unless you’re a pedophile which, hey, whatever) and that they probably don’t have children who are at least ready to go door to door in absolutely adorable outfits. Either way, in this terrible state of candy-absent vertigo your only real option is to raid your parent’s house. If you’re lucky, they’ll have lots of left over candy for you. Also, you may find friends with kids that are health conscious, or neighbors that just left candy out. You should take what you can get. Personally, I don’t have a large sweet tooth and as it is. I prefer thinks that are more salty and savory (like semen!). I can only eat about four pieces of candy before even the great Nestle Crunches, Hershey Dark Chocolates and double packs of Starbursts start to look like a sugar headache. And if you get stuck with a bunch of Almond Joys or plain Tootsie Rolls? Forget it. Throw that shit away. I think we, as a country, need to expand our candy giving on Halloween to include chocolate covered bacon, chocolate drizzled shredded pork, chocolate dipped pork rinds, salted toffee, chocolate covered Carmel corn or chocolate dipped pig’s feet. But that’s just me. Usually, I stock up on Fleshlights and just drop those into kid’s bags. It is hilarious. pjkills PJD’s Game Preview Mail Dump: We’ve had a couple of questions roll in this week that I’ll try to address, but let me put this frankly. I’m real fucking disappointed in some of you. You can’t ask one question? I’m trying to provide internet fame outside of your leaked sex video, and you can’t even support your own marketing? Come on! I mean, please, keep sending your questions to purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com. Anything goes, and I mean AN-Y-THING. Reader Peter (that sounds dirty!) asks:

what’s purple Jesus’ favorite TV show?

Hm, tough one. My guess would be Kent Hrbeck Outdoors, because PJ’s been known to get his hunting on, and because he’s probably taking pointers on how local celebrities continue their career after they become fatties. Also, that show sucks, as do all outdoors shows. Next one! Commenter Berstreet asked a pertinent question a while back that we never got to:

Why can’t we put up a big electric fence along the MN-WI border?

This is a very serious issue that needs addressing. For those of you that live in the west metro you may not realize this, but east metro residents are well aware of Wisconsin families that pile into their trucks and drive across 94 or the Stillwater Bridge in order to come into our state and buy things without a sales tax, or fill up their gas tanks because we have cheaper gas. A big electric fence is the minimum of what must be done, but especially along the river to prevent hobo rafters attempting to defect to our great state. In addition, I would not be opposed to my tax dollars being spent on the bridges to build heavily armed check points for travelers coming from the east. If you are a Wisconsin person, you either have to pay $10,000.00 to cross the border or go the fuck back home. Great ideas. Finally, Twitter follower and valiant reader sckoehl1108, who has terrible fucking taste in music (most likely) wrote in a few questions:

Why does it not seem like J is getting league recognition deserving of his awesomeness?

This is a tricky question. It’s not that he’s not getting recognition, because he is, it’s just that the recognition he’s receiving doesn’t seem to be enough for how spot on he’s been this season. I would guess a lot of this has to do with Silver Fox simply stealing the spot light. You only have so many hours in a telecast to jerk off to your Favre topics, then hit on Purple Jesus, and then on how Antoine Winfield is such a scrappy player. That leaves very little room for discussion about anyone else, but it shouldn’t. Allen deserves it. He’ll be talked about more and more on ESPN or other shitty media outlets as the season goes on and he breaks Jay Cutlers neck. Also,

I look on ESPN and see the Vikings ranked in the power rankings as #4. I feel like that is way, wayyyy over rated. Yes? No?

That’s debatable. I’m trying to think of three other teams that I wouldn’t want the Vikings to play. Maybe the Colts, Patriots and Saints. I think the team could swing with everyone else though. Denver? We fucking own Orton. Giants? We match up well, I think. Eagles? They’d probably win in some fluke manner, but I’d take my chances. Really, not a lot of other teams scare me in a match up, so I guess that number four, while seeming rather high, can have an argument made for it. Now, do I think that number four ranking is right? Pff. The Vikings will probably end up as like the 10th or 12th best team in the league when it’s all said and done, record wise, but they should be near the top. We’ll find out after they lay an egg in the post season. Thanks for the questions, seriously. Feel free to send more in any time. Disagree with any takes? Put yours in the comments. hw001 And here’s your Halloween related fap material: As stated, this weekend is Halloween. If you’re a masher this is the perfect time to go to a crowded bar and “accidentally” brush up on a girl dressed as a sexy pirate or something. … Wait, that’s the worst sexy outfit ever. Sexy pirate? Gross. Maybe … sexy nurse? Cliched, but better. Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman? Much better. Anyway, horndogs at ESPN unite, because this weekend will be full of plush, exposed breasts, tight butts, too much booze, morning after pills and moose knuckles from guys wearing green suits. Be prepared. And afraid. And because I love you, look. More Halloween bewbz. hw002 hw004 hw005 hw006 HARD CORE GAME PREDICTIONS!: I got a pretty bad feeling about this game. I don’t know why. I shouldn’t, considering that Rodgers was sacked eight fucking times that last time these two teams played in Minnesota. The score was in no way indicative of just how much of the Vikings foot went up the Packer team’s ass. I mean, it was up to their knee, with room to spare. The Vikings owned them, and it really wasn’t even close. But for some reason this entire week has lacked any intensity, motivation, or anything else. For me, it doesn’t seem like Packer week for some reason. I know players think things are going to be crazy with Silver Fox going back to Lambeau, and they’re right. Shit is going to get TPain wild in there. But mentally, I’m not prepared for it. I just hope the team is. Also, I’m a tiny, weak piece of shit, so if I’m not prepared for a football game that hardly matters to anything. But with a division game you can never predict what will happen, even though I’m going to try and do so right here. The Packers are, I hate to say it, a pretty good team that is only getting better as the season progresses. On their home turf, with the emotional return of Favre, Winfield out and the national spotlight, I think the Vikings go down like a Milwaukee hooker 35-33. Fuck.

 

Enjoy the game everyone. We’ll be back Monday with a game review. Try not to suffocate on your vomit this weekend after drinking. What’re your Halloween plans? Share your costume and party ideas in the comments.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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