Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: Finally Done with the Preseason!

 At least that’s what it’s seemed like: I say this because people like to harp on your favorite team, the Minnesota Vikings, for having faced some shit competition up to this point. For instance, thus far they have played the Browns, Lions and Rams who have a combined win total of two, which is one more win than testicles that I have. Hm? And while the other two games that have been played, against the 49ers and the Packers, have been close or held more meaning than a normal football game, they still aren’t viewed as “quality wins” for some reason. Maybe it’s because the 49ers game was a magical win pulled from Silver Fox’s old bag of tricks, and the Packer game was actually just a good old fashioned Wisconsin fisting. Either way, many people have been looking at this weekend’s game against the Ravens as the start of a three week test that will really give fans, the media and the NFL a barometer of how much the Vikings don’t suck, or maybe just suck a little bit less than they thought. Regardless, I call bull shit. While traditionally thought of as a powerhouse defense and currently with a rising offense, they Ravens are more overrated than Toblerone chocolates. Their pass defense is ranked 26th currently, giving up an average of 238 yards per game. Their left tackle is injured for this weekend. And let’s not forget that the collective record of the teams that they have played against thus far in the season is a combined 3-11, while the Vikings opponents are 7-17. Oh, and the Ravens are sitting at 3-2. AND THEY’RE FROM FUCKING BALTIMORE! Thanks to a rube named lurker over at Rube Chat for another Game Day Preview Graphic! balt001 Maryland is at the bottom of my state list: Honest to god, I almost forgot Maryland was a state. Who ever thinks of it, let alone Baltimore? It’s like the Australia of the continental states, housing felons, murderers and most other stately garbage swept under the rug. When naming states off of the top of my head, I can guarantee you that I would hit New Mexico, Arkansas, Colorado, Maine, New Hampshire and Tennessee before I even remember that Maryland was there. When everyone’s favorite overrated center Matt Birk upped and left Minnesota for the salty confines of the state in question this offseason, I wrote an entire hate filled article about how terrible of a place Baltimore is. All of those words, while juvenile and whiney, still stand pretty true with me. I refuse to think of the city of Baltimore as anything more than a decrepit, run down, piss and rape factory. Of course, having that image associated with your football team would be fucking awesome. In Minnesota, our football team is just associated with greased doorways and fried concessions. But that doesn’t change the fact that I would much rather live in a place that glorifies food over a place that has a state entrance sign that reads “Baltimore: Where You Can Breathe In Sexually Transmitted Diseases!” flaccounibrow That Joe Flacco is quite stunning though: And I am jealous that Childress didn’t think to move up and grab him in the 2008 draft … of course, as I type that I am remembering that the Vikings only ended up with n that year instead. Which I am totally ok with. Instead, let’s just say I wish Flacco was the Vikings’ future quarterback instead of TarVar or … Rosencopter … or whatever other shit smear they end up throwing back there after Favre inevitably retires again next year. And of course, no conversation about Flacco, the Ravens, the city of Baltimore, the state of Maryland, the AFC North, the entire AFC, or the entire National Football League is complete without mentioning this young man’s FANTASTIC unibrow. Holy boner making! This thing is gorgeous. I won’t lie. I have a fairly hefty and outstanding thick brows as well. With mine though, you can unfortunately tell that they are two separate entities. Flacco? No fucking way. There is nothing to compare to him. It’s like a permanent sweat band always draped above his delicate irises. It’s just amazing. I could look at pictures of his brows for hours on end and not get sick of it. You can trust that instead of watching the play break down on Sunday that I will instead be gauging the quality of his brow locks and sitting in extreme jealousy of him. olinesucks Which Viking will deliver the team’s first loss? Man, how many more times can I pile on the offensive line before I just have to accept the fact that they won’t fuck up when I call them doing so? I don’t know, but I’m not guessing this week. I say this despite every fact going against me. For instance, although struggling in the first game of the season with the Brown’s 3-4 defense, the offensive line looked much better against similar fronts with the 49ers and the Packers. The Ravens run a similar defensive front, only with (typically) better talent. Purple Jesus will look like an asshole again against them, as they are currently the number one ranked rush defense. Passing, as stated, is a different story. Do the Ravens have a disappointing pass rush? Is the Vikings offensive line just blocking that much better on passing downs? I don’t know. Do you want me to do research here? Go read Kevin Seifert if you want facts. I just want to unfairly sling shit at anyone on the team right now so that when the Vikings lose this weekend I can bitch and moan about how much I know about football while sitting in my sweat pants and getting gut rot from coffee while these burly men play a horrifyingly physical sport for my entertainment. It makes me feel smart and slightly gay. In conclusion, the line will give up a bunch of sacks. Probably. footballgirlpodcast A healthy distraction from the game – Shiancoe does podcasts: He also has a monster trouser snake, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, I received an e-mail this week from a woman that runs a blog aptly titled The Football Girl. She apparently uses her amazing womanly powers of persuasion and breasts in order to interview individuals in the sports community. As you have surmised, she spoke recently with the Vikings famously long donged tight end Visanthe Shiancoe about a variety of items. This “playful interview” includes such items as:

“Brett Favre singing in the huddle to the best/worst dressed guys on the Vikings to Shiancoe’s Twitter snobbery.”

Delightful! I haven’t listened to it yet myself, even though I found out about it like seven days ago because I’ve been too busy masturbating to medical pictures of eye sties. Because of this, I cannot verify how “playful” this interview may truly be, but I can take this opportunity to share that I generally hate off the cuff athlete interviews by bloggers, because despite blogger’s typically sarcastic and cynical outlook on life, whenever most of them interview someone really in the sports world circle they end up deep throating the individual in their interview and the interview ends up sucking. Naturally, if I were for some odd reason ever to do a real interview, my behavior would be no different. The only athlete interviews that I have ever enjoyed were done by Drew Magary and surprisingly Kenny Mayne. Hopefully this Shiancoe one is good, and hopefully he stared her in the eyes the whole time, like a gentleman. brett-favre-interception PJD’s Mail Dump: Each week we will run a couple of questions posed to PJD. These may be Viking or football specific, or something completely off the wall like why does your dog like licking your testicles or do attractive women actually poop? Whatever is on your mind we’ll tackle it here. Send your burning questions to us at purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com and put your answers or responses to the questions posed today in the comments below. We start with an e-mail from a reader named Gimp, who writes:

“What would you set the over/under at for how many games before Favre returns to his old self and throws for multiple interceptions a game? I’d hate to have this season end without Favre adding to his ever growing interception record.”

Me, too Gimp. It’s really a great stat to hang his hat on and honestly it would behoove him to add to that total in an effort to really put that record out of reach. This is a tricky question though. What do you mean by “old self”? Does that mean Favre has to hit double digit INTs on the season again? More than four interceptions in one game? Let’s keep in mind that he has two picks already and that the upcoming schedule includes Ed Reed, Troy Long Hair, and the Packers at Lambeau before the bye week … Looking at “old self” to mean at least 10 interceptions for the season, I’d set the over/under at three and a half weeks. Keep in mind that he’s good for at least one during the bye week as well. Can he come up with eight more in three games? I say yes. Nothing is impossible with Silver Fox, you just have to believe! On to the next question. Reader berstreet writes:

“Please ask your Magic 8 Ball if I should tailgate on Sunday.”

The Magic 8 Ball says “That is a stupid fucking question.” I think it meant to say “yes, you should tailgate”. A noon starting time means that you can get wasted probably before 8:00 AM, which is always a fantastic time, and after the game you can go home and pass out and feel rejuvenated before the Sunday night game. Win-win. Also, I haven’t looked at the weather, but that shouldn’t be a deterrent. PJD says go for it, and asks what is everyone’s favorite tailgating drink? Me? I like the tears of Packer fans. They taste like heartbreak. Put your answer in the comments. cheerravens The Ravens have cheerleaders too? I don’t know why I keep on thinking all of these opposing NFL teams don’t have cheerleaders. I guess it’s more the norm that they do than that they don’t. Maybe the Packers just ruined this for everyone else. How many of these ladies do you think actually live in Baltimore though? I bet none. They wouldn’t be able to walk down the street without constantly thinking of rape, murder, rape, bludgeoning, rape, theft, rape and kidnapping. Maybe they wear ugly masks when they are in public, like Tara Reid does. Cunt.   Wow. That was angry, even for me. vikesravens Nervous and uncertain game prediction: On paper, the Vikings at least match up with the Ravens. In other words, I see no reason why the Vikings can’t win this game, except for one critical flaw; they’re still the Vikings. I thought this flaw would appear during the Packers game but it didn’t. These types of games that have the hype of pitting to formidable opponents against each other, where the Vikings are allegedly one of those opponents, seem to always fall out of the Vikings favor. Now, that is also assuming that the other team is really any good. The Packers weren’t, and really aren’t. Are the Ravens? See, I’m just not so sure. They seem like they should be, but this year their defense has had more holes in it than the cock muffins I enjoy during birthday parties. I would hate to uncharacteristically get my hopes up for a win and a 6-0 start, but I’m going to go out on a limb and call it right here that the Vikings pull it out, despite my better judgment. Oh, they also will win too (see what I did there? SEX!), and I don’t envision a defensive battle. This here is gon’ be a shootout! But, the Vikings will prevail, 27-23. Book it.   Enjoy the game everyone. We’ll be back on Monday with a review of the festivities and more crude jokes and references. Hurray!


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.