Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: Hey Rams, the Lions Have a Better Record than You

vikings-express_2

4-0 versus 0-4 means I like our odds: When does the fun end?? This has been a good week for Minnesota sports, “good” being a relative term meaning “exciting” instead of “full of win!” Sure, the Gophers lost to Wisconsin last weekend but had the Vikings make up for their blunder with a shellacking of Green Bay on Monday. And yes, the Twins have had a crazy couple of weeks actually, culminating in game 163 Tuesday night and a wild come from behind extra innings win only to then head to New York for the playoffs and come out flat. And now finally you’re probably thinking that you can start catching your sports rattled breath again over the weekend, but …. Well, yeah, you probably can. While not exactly a foreboding opponent with their shitacular 0-4 record, the Rams probably shouldn’t get you too excited for Sunday. What you should be excited for is watching Purple Jesus stop being a bitch and go off for like 749 yards and 34 touchdowns this weekend against the Rams defense. Also, you can maybe start getting excited for another Tarvaris Jackson appearance. We haven’t had one of those for a while and if the game goes as anticipated – namely a triple digit pounding – than Jackson may play the entire fourth quarter, or maybe even the second half. Of course, I am still assuming that he is still on this team, isn’t he?

Thanks to some rube named Gandar over at Rube Chat for providing another game day graphic

Saint-Louis_Missouri_USAHas anyone ever actually been to Saint Louis? This is a serious question. Who lives there? I know that they have a baseball team, and everyone who follows that team will tell you that they are the best baseball fans in the world (Of course, bullshit), but what does that mean for their football team? I’ll tell you what it means; absolutely nothing, which is what they are about to become. True story; I went to Saint Louis once. It was a nightmare. They have that stupid arch, a baseball stadium, and a dome that might be worse than the Metrodome. That’s it. The actual livable portion of the city itself is … maybe 10 square blocks? Gross. I’m not saying that Minneapolis or Saint Paul is the haven of culture and erection inducing awesomeness, but … holy fuck wad. Saint Louis could disappear and no one would ever notice. Also, if I remember my high school pop music scene correctly, that cock bag Nelly was from Saint Louis and tried to claim he was the first big music act to come out of the Midwest. You jerk. I think Prince, Atmosphere and Bob Dylan would all like a word with you.

spagnuolo

I don’t think I actually hate the Rams though: Despite the city being a further south Detroit transplant, I don’t think I actually hate this team. Steve Spagnuolo is a pretty awesome head coach. I would easily take him over Childress. Give him a couple of years and the Rams will have a pretty damn good defense there. Their offense is just weaker than my piss stream though. Kyle Boller is going to be starting for Mark Bulger? Who is their top receiver now, Donnie Avery? Is he not hurt for once? If they didn’t at least have Steven Jackson this could quite easily be the least talented team in the league. Seriously. Even the Raiders have more talent than the Rams do and it’s not even close. If the Vikings don’t win by 10 points this weekend I will go 2012 on an ant farm. But with that being said, outside of this weekend I will remain indifferent to the Rams for several years.

swineflutoy

Which Viking will ruin this game this weekend: My god, if any Viking actually ruins this game this weekend I hope they toss themselves out of the team plane on the way home. Again, I don’t know how we lose to the Rams. I could see someone on the offensive line fucking things up, I suppose. The Rams do have Adam Carriker, Leonard Little and Chris Long on the defensive line. I mean, those are some highly touted names but I don’t really know if they will do, or have done, anything. But with Phil Loadholt appearing on the injury report this week for the Vikings and the team’s offensive line depth being touch and go, we may have some slip ups there right after they started to gel a bit against the Packers. That would be quite upsetting, to say the least. Maybe I’m off though, and maybe some unknown like the Swine Flu will hit the team and really be the culprit that will ruin the team’s chances for a win. Stupid Swine Flu. Go get fucked already.

addvd

A healthy distraction from the game – why are people asking me to advertise? Don’t take this the wrong way. I am by no means getting mass amounts of e-mails every day from people asking me to mention products or their business or something on here. In fact, I tend to get more e-mails from these foreign dignitaries trying to give me money. Anyone else try this? Kidding. But someone did send me an alert saying that Purple Jesus HIM FUCKING SELF will be available on Tuesday the 13th at the Mall of America signing autographs of a video someone did on him recently, from like 6:00 PM – 8:00 PM. I’ll tell you what, I have zero intention of going because I would look like a total ball sucker asking a pro athlete younger than me to sign some stupid shit. In addition, I have other plans. But, if you want to go by all means check it out. Besides having him sign a DVD, here are a couple of other ideas of things to bring with to see if he’ll put his John Hancock on:

- A piece of wood from the cross

- Your Bible from home

- If you own him in fantasy, a personal note to your opponents saying “Good luck, dick heads!”

- A picture of your wife

- Your child’s face

Other ideas? Put them in the comments and follow the link for some real info about this appearance. And don’t you dare mention this blog to him. He’ll kill me, Jesus style.

ramsthrowbacks

The Rams join the cool kids party: I wish the Vikings would follow suit again. But the Rams are going to wear their throwback uniforms this weekend against the Vikings. Yes, in fact, the awesome looking yellow and blue Rams uniforms from their Super Bowl win days. I’m not sure about the NFL rules on this, but my impression is that a lot of these throwback unis are becoming a team’s typically third alternate uniform, and there does seem to be a limit to how often teams can wear them. That sucks. Regardless of the fact that the team should just be wearing their throwbacks permanently, they should be forced to wear them if the other team decides they are going to wear them. Two things then. One, that means that teams will have to have both a home and away alternate throwback uniform. That’s fine by me, as the Vikings old away unis are tits anyway. Also, that means more merchandise for the NFL, so what’s the fucking problem? Second, there is nothing worse than seeing one team sporting some classic bad ass threads and the other team looking like some baby just threw up all over your eyes. The Vikes are going to look like fucking goons compared to the Rams awesomeness this weekend and I blame the NFL. And the Nazi’s, of course.

ramscheerleaders

Holy shit, the Rams have cheerleaders? If you would have asked me, I would have guessed that the Rams were like the Packers or some of those other dumb teams that don’t employ youthful and intelligent women during game days. I don’t know why I would accuse the Rams of this. Maybe it is because I don’t quite believe that any of these ladies are actually from Saint Louis. Seriously, where do people live in Saint Louis? It is just boggling my mind. Also, now knowing that the Rams in fact do have cheerleaders, it would not surprise me if they were all flown in from elsewhere in the country for their home games. There is no way that these ladies actually live there. NO WAY. I will refuse to believe it. So, if you’ll just give me their addresses, phone numbers, and other personal information in order to change my mind, as well as any personal photos, I will begrudgingly acknowledge Saint Louis as a livable ciy.

paulallen002

Paul Allen reflects on the game: “THIS is Paul Allen here, radio voice of YOUR Minnesotaaa Viiikinnnnngs, welcoming you to another game, day, preview. This weekend your Vikings face off against a scrappy team of players led by offensive battering Ram in Steven Jackson. He will be a legitimate test for this vaunted Vikings run defense, but the rest of the Saint Louisians will be scrambling to match the speed, and tenacity, and accuracy of your favorite purple pleated players. Can new Viking great Brett Favre fight through his elders statesmen injuries this week and offer up some more Silver Foxed magic? Can Adrian “All Day” Peterson match Jackson gain for gain and waltz his way into football immortality and a Vikings 5-0 start? The only way to find out, fellow rubes, is to tune in to KFAN on game day and listen to me, PAUL ALLEN!, bring you the good news from the Arched City! Also, I’ll be broadcasting live from Continental Diamonds in Eden Prairie, you’re favorite place to purchase jewelry. Tell them PAUL ALLEN sent you!”

vikesrams

Fearless, and lazy, actual game predictions: I’ll say it one more time because, eh … no good reason. The Vikings are so heavily favored to win this game they could probably play Tarvaris the entire game and still win by 10. But I’ll be honest. I’ve been nervous about this game ever since the preseason for some reason. It’s not that the Rams are evenly matched or anything, but they do have some good players that get over looked. Their defensive line may continue to bottle up Purple Jesus, who’s been playing like a jerk off for these past two weeks. And who knows, maybe all of that bull shit about an emotional let down after the Monday night Packers game, this being a trap game and traveling to play in a shit stain city may be true. Maybe it’ll catch up to the Vikings and they’ll lose. But I doubt it. So I’ll remain optimistic and give you a 38-10 Vikings win. Really, PJD? Really? I say FUCK AND YES!

Enjoy the ass stomping this week. Sorry about the late post, but like any of you were really looking forward to it.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

Quantcast