Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: Tears of Honolulu Blue

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Oh sweet, it’s the Lions right out of the Bye! There is nothing like coming out of your bye week as a team – healthy, mentally rested and emotionally centered – to find your selves playing the Detroit fucking Lions. Granted, this is the Lions team that was leading the Vikings 10-0 at halftime in Detroit in week two and also the Lions team that almost beat the Vikings twice last year with an even worse team, but hey! It’s still the Lions! They’re worse than riding on some fat chicks, right?! Yes, they are. And Bill O’Reilly. And Notre Dame. Ew. Anyway, the Vikings are lucky enough to face these bottom lip nibblers at home in what I’m sure will be a raucous Metrodome crowd salivating at the opportunity to watch their favorite purple clad team go to 8-1, ensuring that they can’t finish under a .500 record and becoming AT LEAST four games better than the other teams in the division that suck horse balls. God, you teams are more painful to watch than a pap smear. So we got a big game coming up this weekend, which also starts a three game home stand. That means you need to keep your eyes out on the clubs and bars in the area, as I’m sure these travel accustomed athletes with millions of dollars will start getting restless around next weekend and will be looking forward to bringing some o’ dem white ladies home. Awwwwwww yyeeeaaaaahhhh!

Thanks to some rube named Bleedin’ Purple over at Rube Chat for another Game Preview graphic!

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Fuck you Calvin Johnson: There’s not much left that can be said about Detroit at this point besides that. Yeah, go fuck yourself right in the mouth Calvin. For as fantastic of a physical specimen as you are – and my fiancé will most surely tell you your abs are electric – you sure do like to suck it up more than a three dollar tramp. And to think, I wasted a perfectly good fantasy draft pick on you because I BELIEVED IN YOU. But no. You disgust me. You have failed not only me but you’ve also failed your miserable team that was dependant upon you to be the one dynamic offensive glitter-star on a team that smells like singed mullet hair. God damn you. So instead of helping your quarterback not look like a train is getting run on him every weekend by beating people for a jump ball, getting open on some easy patterns, or providing verbal and emotional support after he throws five interceptions, you decide to get in a hissy fit with him on the sidelines? I mean, I didn’t actually watch this alleged tiff happen live because no one watches a Lions game, but apparently this is 100% fact? You suck, Calvin. You suck so much that I demand you rename yourself something less cool until your start producing on the field. And then when you do we can be friends for ever. Please?

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Is anything positive happening in Detroit? I mean, sure, the economy is going to shit and the city is decrepit and getting older by the day faster than Joan Rivers. But what else is going on to at least make you people happy in Detroit? Are you still upset about the Tigers getting beat by the most obnoxious group of upstarts Twins in that fabled game 163 in 2009? Has anyone heard anything positive happening with the Pistons? Man, those Flip Saunders days seem so far away now. And how about Michigan football? Sure, you’re better than last year (I think, I’m not wasting an entire morning looking up Big 10 stats though) but what does that mean? The Lions are better than last year too. Fact: they are still horrible. I will give you that your city has some players with cool names. Tate Forcier? Awesome. He sounds like the name of a French sex act. Calvin Johnson? Anyone named Calvin gets an approving wink from me, despite his dissapointing fantasy year. Rodney Stuckey? He sounds like a thug Englishmen, if there were such a thing. And UM’s coaches nickname is Rich Rod, which is like late 90’s Ray Ban cool. Sooooo … at least you have that going for you.

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You prognosticators sure look stupid now: Let this be an opportunity for douche bags like me to go ahead and throw gasoline on the major-media-hating fire. Remember at the beginning of the year when Mark Schlereth, Steve Young, Jaworski, Berman and every other fat fuck you can think of over at ESPN was sitting in front of a camera telling you that the Bears and Packers were so good that the NFC North division would come down between the two of them, despite the Vikings winning the North last year and only getting better? You may have noticed that while saying this, their eyes were rolling into the back of their heads because underneath the desks Mike McCarthy and Lovie Smith were giving these fuckers hummers like they’d never had. That’s the only explanation I can think of for why these fuck wads made such veracious and confident claims against the Vikings. Guess what, dick lickers? That Jay Cutler trade is looking like a bigger mistake than Robbin Williams career, the vaunted Bears defense looks to have more holes than Carlos Gomez’s bat and the Packers have crumpled under the scheme change pressure worse than a fetus in a trash compactor. Those teams fucking suck, raw red cock, and everyone can see it pretty clearly. And the Vikings? Probably the second or third best team in the NFC and easily favorite for the division. I love cooking up crow when it’s so easy to do retroactively. Now watch, the Lions will win this weekend because of this peacocking …

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PJD’s Mail Dump: Another mail dump session! We got some good questions this week, so let’s bust this tight wad open. Always remember, my friends, that you can send me any questions, funny pictures, concerns, angry hate mail, laughable links, beer suggestions, restaurant ideas or anything else that tickles your choad to purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com, hit my Twitter feed, or leave comments. On to the questions!

From Michael In Maine:

“Who is more Overrated, Cutler, Sanchez or Aaron Rodgers?”

Holy shit. That is a tough question. The thing I hate about Sanchez was that he played, what, 10 games at USC and was anointed as the next Broadway Joe? Get the fuck out of here. I mean, the kid (I say kid because he’s probably three years younger and 80 pounds heavier than I am) has potential, but will he ever reach it? Who knows and less people care. As much as I hate Rodgers, I think the tongue slobbing of his has calmed a bit this season. And despite his terrible offense, he’s still put up decent numbers, so he has started to be valued more appropriately. But damn, that Jay Cutler is the worst. A whiny bitch that never did anything in Denver, forces his own trade, convinces the ESPN ball washers that he’s the next young gun slinger and then has games this year of four and five interceptions? Get the fuck out of here with that shit, Jay. You are fucking terrrrible (as Barkley would say) and make TarVar look like a viable QB option. But your fake Twitter feed is hilarious.

From commenter mmmHmm (I would like an explanation on that name) comes:

“yo PJD, what’s the story behind all your posts about Percy Harvin’s seemingly schizophrenic personality? i only found one interview from him and laughed my arse off after i realized he really does say “uh” after every other word…but what’s with THE FUCKING PSYCHOTIC YELLFESTS, etc.?”

That’s a fair question. I thought Percy’s anger issues and attitude problems were common knowledge. In high school, he once flipped his shit and beat some kid up because they looked at him wrong, would always get into it with his coaches, and although Urban Meyer covered it up better than the Holocaust conspiracy at Florida, he was apparently a huge fucking headache there as well. Rumor from students was that he’d still flip his shit at practice and have weird mood swings often. A lot of this was allegedly due to his migraines, or more likely his stunted emotional growth from smoking so much ganj, but I think it’s hilarious because other than that he seems like a pretty damn well respecting young man. His public speeches, while filtered with “uhs” and whatever else due to nerves are very respectful, and damn if he isn’t kind of charming with his “Yes, sirs”. But you steal his kind nugs from him or deny him some white girl ass? WATCH OUT YOUR MOTHER FUCKER!

Twitter follower Robowill25, who co-hosts a music and dick joke radio show with mcge0100 at KUMM.org, asked:

“are we eskimo brothers?”

Only if we’ve both jerked off into the same sock, my friend, and I certainly hope that’s not the case.

Thanks again for the communicados. Keep sending them. And, as always, if you have any comments or anything else, drop them at the bottom of the page here.

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A healthy distraction from the game: I don’t know if this will actually be on during the game when the Vikings are up 56-3 on the Lions starting the third quarter, but if you are not or have not watched “The League” yet on FX, you most certainly need to do so. It’s like someone just started video taping my bros and my hoes and made a TV show out of my life I can so relate to it! Not really. But it is pretty hilarious. The line from last week’s episode of “It feels like 10 pounds of pudding” has made it into my daily lexicon already. The Eskimo Brothers term, as you have seen in the Mail Dump, has become quite popular. And last night’s episode of the young girl that loves to pick up her shit was absolutely darling! Who hasn’t thought about just lifting their own poop out of the toilet and giving it as a present to someone? Anybody? Regardless, it’s a great show. The only difference is that I have never cared so much about my team and leagues as these people seemingly do. They must be playing for “who gets to avoid the actual forced anal entry by the other players” at the end of the season award. I sure don’t have that trophy in my league, nor will we ever be playing for it. At least this year.

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Timberwolves ladies are attractive: Don’t ask why, but I went to the Timberwolves game on Wednesday night. They lost, I know that, but I couldn’t tell you by how much or how the game actually got to that point. I don’t even think anyone from the surprisingly robust crowd was actually watching the game either. Luckily, we had one thing to look forward to that night because we got to do a meet and greet with the dancers as part of the Wolves ridiculous “Guys Night Out” ticket package. I got a free, horrible, hot dog, cheap piss tasting beer and the opportunity to even meet some NBA Cheerleaders! What more could just a bunch of guys, doing guy stuff, ask for?! Oh, no, I mean, besides like an actual team-win or anything. Or maybe not even a win, maybe just some life in the basketball team, some visible effort on the floor, an actual attempt to play defense against someone. Maybe just once. Nope, didn’t get that. But hey, the spank bank got filled to the brim with these dancers (who I am sure are all intelligent and lovely ladies, you pigs) and I also figured out the outfit I will be buying the special lady for Christmas! *fapfapfapfap*

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Not surprising game predictions: So, the Vikings are favored by what, like 16.5 points? There is no way in Metrodome Magic that they actually pull that point spread out, but it would be ridiculous to think that they won’t win this game. I mean, would anyone be surprised if Favre actually decided to sit out the second half and we saw TarVar? In fact, if we don’t see TarVar during this game, I’m going to strangle a mule. He’s been noticeably absent from several games recently, and I think it is high time for the fans to become reacquainted with the jump pass. Also, although I don’t anticipate five interceptions fluttering into the waiting arms of Viking safeties, I do anticipate quarterback pressure and seeing Stafford making his O-face on his back most of the day. Of course, even that probably won’t stop him from passing for like 300 yards on this questionable Vikings defensive backfield, but the overall defensive play should be enough to make the Lions look like the Lions and ensure an eighth victory on the season for the Vikings. BOOM! Take it to the bank, we’re look at a 27-13 win for the purple.

Enjoy the game folks. We’ll be back Monday for a game recap. Put any comments, dick jokes, internet memes and everything else in the comments. Nudie pictures can be sent to the email address. Guys, I’ll pass yours on to the fiancé. Maybe.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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