Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: The Most Epic Game EVRAR!

vikespackersbanner Shit’s about to get real: Alright, suck bags, here we go. Packers and Vikings, Monday night football, throwback Viking uniforms, coming off a mind warping last second victory against the 49ers and of course the minor story of Silver Fox playing against his old team after two tumultuous years of anal beading each other in the media. I would say this game is going to carry some weight. In fact, I would not be surprised if this turned out to be the greatest moment in the history of television. It’ll make the Beatles Ed Sullivan appearance look like a bunch of self promoting whores that played banjo rock folk songs to their incestual family. Fuck those guys. Never liked them anyway. It’s time to move your dopey haircut and lazy eyes out of the way for the biggest self whore of them all. And if anyone, Packer or Viking fans alike, think this game is actually about the win or loss record of their team, then you are sorely mistaken. Truthfully, I’ll be surprised if Jaworski doesn’t identify each team as “Favre’s Current Squad” versus “Favre Former Mates” instead of their respective names. Prepare for a Favre-kakke kids, tonight is going to be huge. Oh, and so will the game. Thanks to some rube named The Other Guy over at Rube Chat for providing another weekly game day graphic! mnfpackfans011 Seriously, how much do you hate Packers fans: Honestly, it just gets worse every single year. Every year the Packer faithful are just so sure that this is the year that they’ll head back to the Super Bowl. This is the year for divisional and conference dominance! This is the year that they’ll stop masturbating to pictures of deer in orange jackets hunting their wives. Now, in fairness, every team’s fans do this stupid shit and each fan base is equally insufferable. I’m looking at you Patriot, Giants, Cowboys, Raiders, Bears, Steelers, Vikings and Eagles fans. But the Packers have to be the worst simply because of proximity. My favorite thing to do is make rash generalizations about their fan base that could easily be applied to Viking fans too. Like they’re all fan and ugly. Or that they’re all a bunch of farming, back country hicks. Or that they all enjoy tater tot hot dish during the game (Which can be quite good, if cooked right). Or they all beat their wives. I mean, the list goes on and on. But really, they’re no different. They just wear green and gold. And they have trophies of NFL Championships. Of course, most of the people currently rooting for the Packers weren’t alive when those were won. Yet that apparently doesn’t disallow them from puffing out their chest – not that they need any help. But really, fuck them all. Stupid Packers. aaronrodgers005 Seriously, how much do you just hate the actual Packers: I’ve developed a healthy dose of irrational and immature hatred for the Packers over the years. Quite frankly, I’m proud of my automatic dry heaving that occurs when people bring up the team from Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers makes me lose faith in humanity. Seeing him get sacked and look like a goomba at the bottom of a pile that is slowly separating his spine brings me exquisite mirth. Seeing that prick Aaron Kampman heave heavily before a play right before Purple Jesus blasts his ass for another huge gain is rewarding as well. And my God, where do I even start with people like Al Harris, Clay Matthews, AJ Hawk, Chad Clifton, that undeserving prick Ryan Grant and that double chinned douche of a coach Mike McCarthy. God dammit, just thinking of that entire team makes me want to go punch a kid hanging from the monkey bars. Also, I’m pretty sure I heard once that the Packers had the whitest team in NFL. Can anyone verify if this is true? I would hate to go around and toss racially sensitive claims against anyone or any team, but … without doing any further research on this matter, I guarantee this statement to be 100% FACT. Racists. bf020 Which Viking will ruin this game: I’m going all in tonight. I’ll put it out there that the Vikings will lose, in an effort to lower my expectations, and say that former Packer great Brent Farvery will have a couple of very, very costly interceptions and make the entire Viking nation look like a couple of donkey punched groupies. It’s going to fucking happen. You know, I know it, the entire state of Wisconsin knows it. Favre is going to throw an interception right into the hands of Charles Woodson, who will run it back for a touchdown looking like a dickhead the entire way. The Packer fans will cheer. They will start their quaint “Go Pack Go” cheer that sounds like a fake 1980’s movie chant. Favre will throw his hands up like he totally didn’t see that one coming. And Vikings fans will be vomiting into their horned helmets after tailgating all day and building expectations up so high only a coke binge could get them higher. It’s going to happen. ESPN is going to will it to happen. That’s why I’m setting my expectations so low, you see. That way you never get hurt. Why try if you’re just always going to fail, that’s my winning motto for life! Also, that’s what my fiancé tells me in bed. Poor lady. twinswin A healthy distraction from the game: Build yourself up for a Twins loss: So the Twins find themselves in a tie with the Detroit Tigers heading into a one game playoff on Tuesday, late afternoon. Also, they are the only team in the history of MLB that has had to play a one game playoff to potentially get into the playoffs in back to back seasons. Remarkable! While you’re waiting for the Vikings game to start tonight, or twitching nervously during half time, go read up on just how improbable the Twins road to the playoffs may be. No team has reached the playoffs when they were two games back with three games to play. They haven’t led the division since sometime in May I think. Who knows. And I was absolutely convinced that the Tigers would win on Sunday – which they did – and that the Twins would awesomely shit the bed and lose against the Royals – which they didn’t. So, really, that only leaves one other option; imploding and looking like hell against the Tigers in a one game playoff as the last game in the Metrodome. It’s going to be fantastic. And let’s just hypothetically say they somehow magically pull out a win … they then get to play against the Yankees in the first round who completely fucking own the Twins. Good luck with that, Baby Jesus. You’re playing in Purple Jesus’ home. Now get the fuck out. mnfcrew I hope you are lucky enough to …: Hurray! The Vikings have a nationally broadcasted football game in primetime! Cheers, for more exposure to our oft overlooked team! Wait, what’s that you say? I have to jackhammer my ears with incessant Favre ball washing? I have to listen to Chris Berman’s smoker voice give 1978 nicknames to my favorite players? I have to listen to Steve Young throw a hissy fit over recognizing any other quarterback in the league as an adequate player? And I have to listen to John Gruden use words like “gutsy” and “true player”? But those don’t mean shit. Yes, this is what we are privy to all night long during our nationally broadcasted football game. How lucky for us. I hope that you are lucky enough to work as long as you can so that you get home right at kickoff to bypass the odd news story that this Brett Favre is playing against his old team, and somehow disconnect the commentary sound from your station so you only hear the players and stadium noise. This really needs to become an option in real life like it is in Madden games. Stupid fucking ESPN commentary. Get fucked. packer_bikini_girls These must be the most attractive women in Wisconsin, right?: And even then, I’m guessing that they are out-of-state transplants that have developed their niche for being ogled by fat bearded Sconnies as fans of a team that doesn’t employ cheerleaders. That doesn’t smack of equal opportunity, Green Bay! White players and no cheerleaders? Sounds to me like your state is filled with a bunch of racists and chauvinist, Wisnconsin. How embarrassing. And look at how the greasy haired brutes surrounding these lovely football fans are gawking at them? I’d be very surprised if they weren’t actively jerking it under their hefty down coats and splooging into their emptied bag of sunflower seeds. Luckily for these ladies, they are probably free go back home to some other state after being paid loftily for their scantily clad services. Whenever they’re in the stands, fans can forget the abortion of a team on the field that lost to the Bengals. And before anyone gets smart, I’m fully aware that these ladies are probably actual Wisconsin residents, but it doesn’t matter. This is like drinking top shelf booze at a hole in the wall bar in said state. It’s probably Polar Ice vodka. Not, actually, top shelf, just making due with what they have, also known as, their best is still our worst.   can’t wait to spear Aaron Rodgers: “Holy coon fucker have I been waiting for this game! I know, I know … the Bearded Rapist wants us to toe the company line with the media and say things like “Hey, it’s just another game” or “No, I didn’t know Favre ever played for the Packers” but I’ll be real with you. I want to fucking cattle rope Aaron Rodgers and spear him in the neck so bad. I want smash into him harder than I smash into the vaginal cavities of sorority girls after the Minnesota Gophers beat a weak non conference team. I want to hear his life whisper out between his lips and have him be covered in my beef jerky musk for weeks after this meeting. I want him to be on his back more than Ann Carroll. Mmmmm … she’s quite the minx. It’s going to get rowdy in that stadium though, and I’ll be honest here, fair readers, I am REAL jealous that you’ll all get to drink the entire day before the party. Me? I can only sneak in a couple of pulls off of Greenway’s Listerine bottle. He’s always baffled as to why he has to buy a bottle every two weeks. Well, now you sexy readers know. But don’t tell him, I gotta keep my buzz on!” vikings-packers Fearless game predictions based on pessimism and hatred: The Vikings are going to lose this game. It’s just so palpable. It’s the type of luck that this entire organization has. Everyone is so fucking jacked up for this game, thinking the team has a chance, thinking that if the team wins this game then it’ll put us on another level. We’ll be 4-0! Like the Saints and Giants! Best teams in the NFC! Fuck those Packers! Well, sorry, but this is exactly when we’re due for a let down. Hey, 3-1 sure isn’t bad either, and if we only lose four games the entire season I’d say that’d be good enough for a one through three seed in the NFC. But this feeling reminds me of the Monday game against the Patriots a few years ago where the Vikings ABSOLUTELY got fisted on national television. And the Steelers game a while ago when Benetration raped us too. The team is due for a let down, so whatever. Lower your expectations now. Look for something like 32-23, a Packers win. But! If we do win? Holy shit! BEST TEAM EVAH! HOWS OUR ASS TASTE NOW, WISCONSIN!??!   Enjoy the game. We’ll have your review here tomorrow as well. Tell your boss you’ll be sick now, ok?

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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