Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: We’ll Bang your Gals, Cincinnati

This game kind of got serious: I DEMAND TO KNOW HOW THIS TEAM IS NOT UNDEFEATED RIGHT NOW?? Oh, right, it’s because they’ve been getting fisted and too focused on speeding than practicing. Well, a game that the fans thought would just be a fun one to watch all of a sudden turned into kind of a big deal. The Vikings lofty record and ability to fight for the number one seed in the NFC Playoffs took a hit last week after they got cock punched by Arizona, dropping their record to 10-2. While that sounds all sexy and fantastic, the fact of the matter is there are several teams chomping at the bit right behind the Vikings in the NFC to get to that number two seed, something that doesn’t look so secure for the Vikes anymore. The Cowboys, Eagles, Packers, and Cardinals are all sitting at 8-4 and hoping the Bengals, AFC North division leaders at 9-3, can drop the Vikings for a loss two weeks in a row. And they could! :the sky is falling: Carson Palmer is legit, Cedric Benson is running like he just stole a bike this season, Ocho is always a receiving threat, and dare I say it, their defense is good? Not what the Vikings need right now, especially after they just lost EJ Henderson to that femur explosion and with the majority of their roster appearing on the injury report. Can the Vikings bounce back? Will Favre come out of his December swoon? Will the pressure for the two seed get to be too much for this veteran team? This and all sorts of other stories await you this weekend! And enjoy it, because this is the last noon game (most likely) of the year. I kind of like noon games. Wake up, football, masturbate, go back to bed until dinner time. Solid. Thanks to a rube named Gandar over at Rube Chat for another Vikings game day preview graphic! How does Ohio have two football teams? Think about that. Ohio. They have two football teams. TWO of them. Oh, sure, I can understand a place like New York having two. California for sure. I mean, that state is larger than Kelly Clarkson. It just makes sense to have more teams there. Even states like Penisylvania and Florida make some amount of sense. But Ohio? The state of Ohio? Really? It kind of just blows my mind. I didn’t think they had enough people in the state to support one team, let alone two. It must have something to do with the Rust Belt history. Both the Bengals and the Browns are historic franchises so when they weren’t busy running eight year olds through industrial plants back in the 1920s they needed to entertain their selves somehow. How about football?! Also, I think it is interesting that both teams have orange in their uniform and organization color scheme. Is there significance there? And I even think the Bengals use to wear a bit of brown in their uniforms as well. Essentially, you use to have two poopy colored football teams in Ohio. I guess that makes sense. Your obligatory Chad Ochocinco mention: I don’t get what people’s beef is with Ocho. Do you think he’s racist for calling himself the Black Mexican? Are you mad that he legally changed his name to Ochocinco, forcing you to call him by that name? DAMN YOU FOR FINDING A LOOP HOLE CHAD! Is it that you’re upset he’s a damn good receiver? I’ll admit it. I’ve been following the Bengals for a while now. I started dry humping a throw pillow when they selected Carson Palmer. I laughed and giggled every time a player got arrested. I’ve been in awe as they seem to have a defense they can actually field. I have no emotional involvement with the team though, which is nice. But throughout this whole time, if Ocho wasn’t on that team, I could care less about them. Like the Buccaneers. Ew. It’s strange because when Chad first held up the sign about not wanting the NFL to fine him anymore every single fan thought it was awesome that he was sticking it to the big NFL people that were starting to crack down on endzone celebrations. Well, the NFL is still cracking down on anything resembling awesomeness done by the players, Chad is still sticking a middle finger to establishment, and fans decide he’s going to far now? Why? Because he wore a sombrero on the sidelines? Because he’s still an effective receiving threat despite all of his antics? Because he’s a media maven that has his own iPhone application that I admit I downloaded, but only because it’s free until Christmas? Sorry, suckers, Ocho’s got you cornered. He’s the best thing in the NFL. If Percy was doing this shit I would be freaking out about how awesome he is (I mean, more than I already do). Instead, I grumble about his migraines and him saying “yes, sir” all of the time instead of “Child, please!” like Ocho does. Damn proper upbringing. Can the Vikes even field a team this week? The Vikings are beat up this week. I mean, more beat up than the immigrant slave child in my trunk. According to Vikings Gab a quarter of their roster is listed on the injury report this week. A QUARTER. The question is; will they even be able to suit an entire team up? Will the Vikings have to forfeit this week? It could totally happen! Ok, probably not, but building off of this injury thing we’re going to try another Mushroom Stamp of Approval contest this week, like last week with the license plates. This week, we’ll provide an injury report of players and you have to guess who the players are. Please email your response this week, because I didn’t realize last week if you just put them in the comments that other people could read them and STEAL them. This led to some confusion. Also, make sure your results are in by the end of the game on Sunday. That’s an arbitrary time frame, but we’ll set it at that. Anyway, email them to purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com, as well as a picture you’d like to have Mushroom Stamped for Monday morning. Here are the clues. These players are on the injury report because of:

A dry spell. Being an unused quarterback. A bruised femur. A lost AARP card. Broken ankles. A heart attack after Texas almost lost the Big XII title game. Being forgotten, overrated and outshined this year. The team not wanting any personal fouls called this game. A shaven neck beard.

Good luck! PJD’s Mail Dump: Mail time? Well, we’ll try. This is looking to be a short mail bag this week, because people decided to stop humoring me with tips, off beat questions, funny pictures and anything and everything else you could imagine. Maybe it’s just a lull after a loss. Either way, if anyone EVER has a question they’re begging to ask, feel free to chime in. Comments, email, Twitter feeds, whatever. And great thanks to those that have already done so. You help to make this Vikings blog fun. At least for me. Probably just tedious for you. Here are this week’s questions! From gimpshot:

“true or false Purple Jesus is paying back his fine in fish?”

This is in reference to Purple Jesus’ speeding ticket he got recently. I had mentioned at the time to Gimp that I think it would be very short sighted to have PJ simply offer fish to people as his fine payment. What he really should be doing is community service with Minneapolis youth where he takes them to one of our TEN THOUSAND lakes and teaches them how to fish. Because if you feed a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime. THAT SHIT IS DEEP. From abecketsolem:

“who would you draft to the Vikes QB of the future? You can’t say Tavaris.”

I like that question. And naturally I wouldn’t be saying TarVar anyway. I hope the Vikings nab a QB in the 2010 draft, to be honest. It’s primed with talent that people may be sleeping on for some reason or another, and your set (potentially) with a viable alternative for a year or two in either Favre or Rosenfail. My eye for a QB to draft would be Tim Tebo … haha! Just kidding. I can’t even say that with a straight face. I think either Big XII guy, Colt McCoy and his dick face, or Sam Bradford from Oklahoma, could potentially work in this offense. I don’t know how strong either one of their arms are (I’m not Shawn Zobel here), but both have been prolific passers and pretty accurate throughout their college careers. McCoy is probably too short and not strong enough, but taking a chance on him late? Sure, why not. Bradford seems like a prototypical NFL passer though, and he’s cool as Billy D Williams. They gotta draft someone though this year or I’m going to burn down a banana stand. From peter:

“since the Vikings are purple and gold, who’s going to be the gold guy? purple jesus + golden mullet?”

I like that suggestion. Sooner than later the et is going to take on mythical powers like Samson’s hair. In fact, I think there’s already been allusions to this. I’m not well versed in the kid lingo either, but isn’t there some golden reference to weed out there? It seems like Percy would make a good golden reference somehow. Or Squid could be called the Golden Retriever. Either one is something we could build on. From Scott comes our first video submission!  [clearspring_widget title=”The Body Issue: The Making Of (Athletes Speak) – ESPN Video” wid=”4ac0e59c8be3e737″ pid=”4b227e2542cea896″ width=”384″ height=”216″ domain=”widgets.espn.go.com”] One legged nude people work for me! Woohoo! Thanks for everyone submitting. I am noticing several that come in at the last moment kind of, which is totally ok, but I’ll just get to them next go around. Thanks again! Need to do some Christmas shopping still? You slacking piece of diarrhea! You have yet to purchase all of your Christmas gifts for family members that you either have suppressed sexual urges for or ones that used to beat the shit out of you when you’d “play wrestle”? How thoughtful. Well, if you need any last minute ideas I will say that you can peruse the PJD Merchandise shop for all of your needs. This is also an update to let you know that currently this shop is on its last leg. Any of the items you see here are bound to be considered vintage in about a month or so, as PJD will be bringing you a whole slew of poorly made items! Well … not poorly made. The t-shirt material is actually really nice and the shirts are well done. I have one and it’s slowly becoming a favorite shirt item, once it’s been broken in a little bit. But there will be new designs that won’t look as juvenile as the ones you see there. Juvenile still, but less than. Never mind. So I’d consider picking one of these items up before they all go away! And in the future, we may be moving from here over to Zazzle as well, or some other place, where we could whore ourselves out to something bigger and better. PJD coffee cups, PJD lunch pails, PJD mouse pads, and even a PJD FLAMETHROWER!!!!! The kids always love that one. So keep an eye out for new items. Maybe you’ll get some cash money from the parents you spite over the holidays. GIVE ME MORE MONEY, MOM! If so, spend it on us.   They are called the “Ben-gals”, right? I applaud the Bengals team for actually having cheerleaders as part of their organization. I would have pinned any team from Ohio as having overlooked this need and instead have animal sidekicks as crowd motivators. Actually, if the Bengals had a Bengal tiger on the sidelines that would be fucking awesome. I also applaud the team for approving such skimpy outfits for the ladies to wear. But again, I have to ask, is this another situation where the ladies cheering for this team were imported out of state? There is no possible way that Ohio has any woman of attractiveness at these levels within their state boundaries. In fact, I would argue that all attractive women must come from New York, DC, California, Florida, Texas, Minnesota, Georgia, or Arizona. I don’t know, I just picked those state randomly. BUT OHIO WOULD DEFINITELY NOT FIT! Just my opinion. Nervously made game prediction: Well, I failed miserably on predicting the Cardinals game last week, although, to be fair, I did make note that while I didn’t see the Vikings losing that game that it would be the perfect moment for them to actually lose the game, thus making me look like a cock bag. And so here we are, cock bag and all. For this week I am again of a split mind. I mean, can the Vikings bounce back? Will Favre revert back to his Breesus-like performances? Will Purple Jesus stop being a little school girled bitch and maybe run for more than 75 yards? Will the defense step back up instead of relying solely on Ray Edwards? Can the offensive line hold together or at least not all get injured at once? Lots of questions here, and I don’t have any type of insider knowledge to provide you. My guess? With the Vikings at home and having just come off a pimp slapping, I don’t envision them losing to anyone. Everyone seems pissed on that team, and that’s a good emotion to play with, if it’s controlled. However, the Bengals are a good team, no doubt. Sure, they’ve lost to some poor clubs this year (Raiders, Houston) but the Vikings also got beat by a 6-7 Steelers squad. So who fucking knows. It’s going to be close, and I think Ocho is going to get to blow that Viking horn. In fact, I’m just saying that because I want to see it happen. When it’s all said and done though, I think Childress reigns Favre back in, keeps it on the ground, keeps the Bengals offense off the field, and secures a sloppy 24-17 win. Enjoy the game everyone. Remember to submit your entries for the injury report contest by game’s end and keep making funny Twitter comments during the game for the Tweets o’ the Game feature on Monday’s game recap! Now let’s go drink finally! Hurray!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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