Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: Wrinkly Balls Bowl I!

Watch as the two oldest quarterbacks EVER square off: Come one, come all, but don’t come on me, as the two grayest quarterbacks in the NFL square off in what is bound to be a slow paced game full of missing dentures, broken walkers, and forgetting the plays being called! Al Michaels will fit right in! Haha. Old people are hilarious. But really, Kurt Warner is, what, 56 years old? I think when he was bagging groceries he was already 32. I’m pretty sure my math is correct there. And with reports coming out this week that Warner had split reps with Matt Leinart after sitting out last week with a concussion (pussy), I’d say the chances of us fans watching the geriatric match up is still pretty good. The Cards need this game, but they WILL NOT get it. When the Vikings roll into Arizona this Sunday night, you better believe that Warner is going to need to be wearing his depends on the field. The Vike’s pass rush is going slaughter the Cards O-Line, and Warner is going to be on his back more than a Tiger Woods mistress. And if Winfield gets back on the field finally? Forget it, Larry Fitgerald, Jr. I may have a man crush on your beautifully dreadlocked mane but Winny is going to shut you down worse than a herpes outbreak. Anyone remember last season when TarVar had his career day against this same defense? And that was when the Cards ended up in the Super Bowl! All in all, let’s say I like my chances when Favre, PJ, Harvin, and Squid take the field. Think of them as the huge purple dildo that is going to wedge its way into the Pink Taco and leave it lifeless when it’s done. Got that image in your head now? Me too. Sexy.

Thanks to some rube named SOME YOUNG GUY from Rube Chat for providing another game preview graphic!

It’s so hard to hate you Cardinals: Usually this is the space I take up in this preview to go on some rant about how much I hate your town. FUCK YOU DETROIT! Or whatever. I’ve been to Arizona and the Phoenix area once before, I think, and I could make some awesome jokes about how hilarious it is that Old Man Warner is essentially playing football for a retirement community, or that lake-bred Fitzy-cent is now surrounded by artificial lakes and reservoirs. But that doesn’t make much sense, and they play year round golf there too, which is awesome. I had a friend that lived in Phoenix for a while and he said that he generally disliked it. Said it was dirty or something. So I guess there’s that. But I don’t really hate the Cardinals. Part of it is their non threatening fan base and history. Sure, they had a ginormous amount of bandwagon fans last year, but that’s to be expected when a team that sucks more dick than Briana Banks finally does something exciting. Also, another friend and I used to always play Madden seasons where we’d take the shittiest teams possible and then build them up from scratch. I’d pick something awful like the Raiders or the Bengals and he’d pick the Cardinals. This, of course, was back before they had Fitz, Leinart, and a face palm inducing uniform change. But ever since then I’ve had a soft spot in my heart for them. Weird how Madden will do that. And have you seen their old unis? Shit, those things are gold.

But I won’t be disappointed if we stomp their ass: Because quite frankly, Arizona will always deserve a fist fucking after they destroyed our season in 2003. I remember vividly where I was. My college apartment that was a certified shit hole. Three or four other friends biting their nails until the end. When Denard fucking Walker and Brian “Eat an AIDS balloon” Russel forced Nate “Hope your dick says hi to a weed whacker” Poole out of the endzone the entire room lost its head. Silence. Then disbelief. Then denial. Then anger. Then sadness. It was amazing. I’ll never forget one friend draped on a door jam looking in desperation at the TV just asking “What? What?! No!” and of course there is the infamous Paul Allen NOOOOOOOO!!! call during that game as well. As much as it sucked, I do have to say that the misery of that game did bring on some much appreciated memories. Of course, that doesn’t justify you fucking me, Arizona, so because of all of this you are permanently on the shit list. You join Packer fans, terrorists, backwards parents, the Giants, Entourage, and drivers who don’t use their blinkers. YOU WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN!

Primetime game? Yes please: When the schedule first came out back in April or whenever, I was pretty excited for the middle stretch of the season with the Ravens, Packers, and Steelers, as well as for the home stretch. As stated, I’ve loved the Bengals since before OchoCinco became the Black Mexican, and I saw that they were playing at the Dome and got excited. I also saw the Bears game on Monday night, and the Giants game (again?! Really?) as the last game of the season as some good matchups. Granted, a lot of this has changed. The Bears are worse than the New Jersey Nets, and the Giants are fumbling around worse than a 9th grader at formal working on that bra. And when Arizona started out 2-2 I wasn’t very impressed. THAT’S NOT A LOFTY 4-0 RECORD LIKE US! But now it seems they’ve gotten their shit together to the point where this matchup becomes enticing enough to flex the Vikings into PRIME TIME! I love prime time games. They seem to take much longer to end. The broadcast team is usually better. The camera quality, angles, and action shots are mind blowing. The sideline reporting usually sucks and is obnoxious, but I don’t have the volume up anyway. And of course, there will be plenty of Favre tongue bathing. But Favre also tends to play well in prime time games, so that’s got to be a bonus. Either way, Sunday night football is awesome.

PJD’s Mail Dump! Mail time! We had some good entries the past couple of weeks, so let’s put on our lounge pants and get to work here. From Teresa comes:

“Adrian Peterson has a tattoo of Jesus on his torso (Picture provided is right above you – Ed.) Weird.  Did he get that before people started calling him Purple Jesus?  And what other tats does he have?”

I would shit my pants he if got it just because people started calling him Purple Jesus. If you look here, which I believe was taken during his rookie year before or during when he was first given the nickname, you can see that the Jesus tattoo is still there. Not much else at the time on the left side though. You can see the only other tat of notice is the one on his right shoulder that says “The Diesel”, which he must have got when he thought that sounded awesome. Probably sometime around when he turned 18. Hopefully, someday, he’ll have “PJD” tatted on his left shoulder. That would be so BOSS! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go erase my internet browser history that was searching for “Adrian Peterson Shirtless.”

Also, from Scott:

“Something I’ve been thinking about recently: Are there any formations where PJ, Chester Taylor, and Harvin are on the field at the same time? I think it would be incredibly effective if they could have both backs in at the same time, maybe put Chester Taylor and Harvin as wing backs and PJ in the backfield? I feel like you could run any number of plays with something like that. I want to see more counters, and last game I’m pretty sure Harvin had like two carries for 45 yards, do you think they should give him more rushes or keep it as few as possible to keep it under wraps and just use it when necessary?”

What is this, actual football analysis? I’m no good at this. I think commenter Peter somewhere can chime in on this issue. He’s smarter than I am. What I will say is that while this seems like a no brainer and the fact that it isn’t a no brainer for Childress is part of what makes me so vehemently hate him, we have seen some of these more and more. Harvin and PJ are on the field a lot, and I’ve even noticed Chester and PJ in the backfield together. That’s an improvement from the predictable garbage Chilly was calling before, so kudos there, I guess. And Harvin did have that nice run on the end around last game. Part of that was due to surprise, part of it was due to PJ not fumbling it AGAIN on the exchange. What’re the readers’ thoughts on this?

Finally, from Twitterer Djr57108 comes:

“Who is the most hated player in. MN right now?”

Hmmmmmmmm. That’s a tough one. I think the Vikings have done a good job of purging the roster of shit like Bobby Wade, Troy Williamson, Erasmus James, and the like. I know people dislike Benny Sapp a lot, but I think he’s alright when he wants to be. If there is someone on the Wild that has sustained scorn tossed his way, I wouldn’t know it. Hockey can suck my nuts. You could argue against Nick Punto and his retarded base running, or Delmon Young and his swing-free attitude. Personally, I would vote for Sasha Pavlovic on the Wolves. His “three point range” is a joke and any time he’s getting minutes on the floor I’m thinking, “Why can’t Wayne Ellington just get those if we’re going to lose anyway? Who cares?” But that’s just me. What does everyone else vote?

Once again, thanks for the submissions. If we start getting enough questions, stories, pictures, tips, drunk player sightings or whatever else, we’d maybe be interested in doing this Mail Dump earlier in the week as a separate column. So keep sending those entries and help us not look like a shitty website! I mean, more than we already are. Thanks!

Name that vanity plate! Driving to work today, I saw at least two license plates that had the thee letters in it starting with A and ending with L. Both times I was convinced it was going to be ANL, which made me think of anal, which then made me giggle to myself uncontrollably. Of course, this then led me to think, “I wonder what kind of personalized license plates Viking players would have?” which then led me to this entry where I provide the fake vanity plate letters and you get to guess who they would belong to. You can either put your answers in the comments or email them to me. The person that gets the most right will get a Mushroom Stamp of Approval, and I’ll even photoshop it special for you if you email a picture. Totally up to you. Hurray, time wasters! Anyway, by Sunday or so I’ll post the answers, but until then you keep guessing away. Here are the plates to guess. I’m banking on the fact that in Minnesota you can use up to seven characters. If I am off base, you can go fuck yourself:

HLOFMBL

SQIDAKD

ILUVPIE

MLTMLTA

LNDB4RN

PEDOBRD

ND3GET2

HYFLYER

VSPEN15

LAVIKES

Good luck! Don’t cheat!

Forget the Cardinals’ cheerleaders: Oh sure, they look fine. No problems, really. I mean, if you were into bewbs by chance you could motor boat the shit out of those. It’d be like a free-for-all day on Lake Minnetonka. I don’t have qualms about that. I’m just saying that in Phoenix the Cards cheerleaders probably couldn’t hold a candle to the Arizona State University cheer squad. I hear that ASU is the biggest party school aside from Madison or something? What do I know. But either way, when you have a choice between what’s up top, or this (PNSFW), what do you choose? Knowing the general male population like I do, and knowing one or two women who I bet would vote the same way, I think you’d take the latter. And there should be no shame in that. I’m just here to fill space and attract some web search hits. Pretty classless, but you’re also reading this blog, so join in on the fun!

Game prediction bound to go terribly wrong: I think the Vikings win this game. I don’t know why. It’s probably just because I’m so used to them winning now, which means I am bound for a let down real soon. But I think we match up better than they do with us. Darnell Docket is a huge man, but he’s their only real pass rush option. The Vikings offensive line has only been getting better, so he’s negated. Their receivers are delicious, but our pass defense has been one of the league’s best this year and we may have Winfield back. BOOSH. Advantage us. Adrian Wilson is fucking awesome at safety for them, and they have decent corners, but the Vikings offense lit up the Packers defense twice now, which is rated as the best unit in the NFL. I know; I can’t believe that either. And the Cardinals just gave up almost 400 yards to Vince Young and had Chris Johnson run all over them too. I’d say that PJ and Silver Fox have a good chance of mirroring that. I’m hesitant though, because this feels like a let down game. But I just don’t see it. I’ll call another Vikings win to keep pace with the Saints for home field advantage (hopefully) and call a close 27-23 purple victory. SUCCESS!

Enjoy the game folks! We’ll be back sometime over the weekend with the vanity plate answers and then again on Monday with a full game recap. See you then!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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