State of the Vikings: The After Party

On Wednesday, June 17th 2009, the Minnesota Vikings held their inaugural “State of the Vikings” event, where Owner Zygi Wilf, Coach Brad Childress, Director of Player Personnel Rick Spielman and linebacker Chad Greenway appeared to offer some insight on the team’s direction to fans, as well as answer some questions that many have had throughout the offseason *cough* Favre *cough*. While a couple of interesting nerd nuggets were dropped (Favre playing is up to Favre, Winfield contract talk still ongoing, Harvin is WOW) the real highlights appear after most fans had left and the four aforementioned individuals were left chatting amongst themselves on stage …

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Zygi Wilf: Thank fucking God that nightmare is over with. What a bunch of pale faced country boy putzs. This is a shanda. Why did I buy a fucking team in Minnesota? I couldn’t have purchased the Jets? Or the Patriots? Damnit, I am a nebbish.

Brad Childress: Hey, now, I thought it went quite well. We addressed several issues that fans had on their minds and hopefully by talking, we can lower their, and the media’s, anxiety about the team and we can just focus on practicing and getting better.

Rick Spielman: FUCK THESE FANS! THEY DON’T KNOW THE PLAYERS LIKE I KNOW THE PLAYERS!

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Chad Greenway: Settle down, Rick! There’s still some fans out there milling around. They may hear you!

ZW: Aw, who cares. These idiot fans don’t buy tickets for a home playoff game anyway. I bet you if I moved this team to Los Angeles fans wouldn’t be so damned afraid to step foot out of the door in the middle of winter. Except I’d have to put up with a bunch of smelly Mexicans …

BC: Well, Zygi, you would have to because that’s a high percentage of their population there. But that is something that, however unthinkable, is too far down the line to really take seriously right now, isn’t it? We’re on the verge of signing Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre, we have a once in a lifetime running back in Purple Jesus, and we just drafted another offensive playmaker in Percy Harvin. Quite frankly, and Darrell Bevell and I have been talking about this, our offense should be very explosive this season.

RS: FUCK YOU IN THE MOUTH BRAD!

CG: Rick, please! I agree with coach. This season is looking good for us, and once the team starts winning and is exciting again, the seats will automatically fill and the state will make the stadium plans a priority!

ZW: What the hell do you know about stadium plans, linebacker? Play, don’t speak. Oy vey, I am getting sick to my stomach with this shit. It’s amazing that shnorrer Red McCombs didn’t commit suicide while owning this bupkes team.

BC: Well, Zygi, I’d guess he didn’t because he knew of the joy it brought to people in this state, like the fans that were out in the theatre seats. You heard them, yelling for Favre, passionate about our moves. Even in down times their hearts lie with the team.

RS: FUCK THOSE FANS! FANS ARE STUPID! I KNOW FOOTBALL PLAYERS! I SCOUT PERSONNEL!

CG: Easy, Rick, of course you do. And no one does it better than you. Listen, everyone, I think we’re all overreacting a little bit. I think this went well. I am excited to do this again next year, after we win the Super Bowl of course! Hahaha!

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ZW: Well, aren’t you a luftmensh, you worthless sack of shit. Super Bowl? Like I said before, this team will be knocking on the door every year, but the door I really meant was the cellar door! We didn’t trade for Cutler, we didn’t sign anyone in the offseason that would help our team, and we lost two valuable veterans! Are you kidding me, you faygala? Gay Avek! Oy-yoy-yoy!

BC: You know, I kind of agree with Chad here. I think we’ll be ok, and after speaking with these fans, I think they understand that we’ll be ok too. Once we start winning, the seats will fill.

RS: I’LL FILL THE SEATS MYSELF! I’LL DRAG SOME FAGGOT FANS INTO THE STANDS IF I HAVE TO! DO NOT DENY THIS TEAM THAT I PUT TOGETHER OUR RIGHT TO WIN! WE WILL PERSERVEER! WE WILL DESTROY! I WILL FUCK A HORSE!

CG: …. Hey, Rick? Why don’t you head back to Winter Park … and maybe … scout … some more players?

RS: FUCK AND YES! I LOVE SCOUTING!

ZW: I fucking hate you all.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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