The Black Mexican can Blow My Horn

I’ve made no reservations about my appreciation and love for the Cincinnati Bengals and Chad Ochocinco. I alluded to this back in the Cardinals game preview and I stand by it. Part of the allure historically has always been because of Ocho, The Black Mexican. He’s one of those guys in the NFL you either love or you hate, like Pey-Pey Manning, Bill Belichick, Brett Favre or Brad Childress. Ha. Just kidding. Everyone hates you, Brad Childress. But with Ocho, his antics either make the game more entertaining or they make your warm heart turn cold because you think he’s disgracing the game. If that’s the case, I think you’re a sally bag that needs to go change your Depends. Or perhaps you’d like to complain about how things are always changing with the rest of the pepaws around here? Either way, Ocho is notorious for antagonizing opposing teams the week prior their game. If I remember correctly, Ocho sent the Vikings defensive backs a bottle of Pepto Bismol the week before the game in 2005. Someone correct me if I’m wrong, because I know he did something, and I know it was AWESOME. Recently, he’s been perfecting the art of the touchdown celebration. Last week he donned a poncho and a sombrero, obviously in reference to being The Black Mexican, which is so damn ridiculous I’m not quite sure where to start. Already this week, he has been active on his Twitter account and let Adam Schefter know that if he scores against the Vikings’ battered secondary that he’ll be blowing Ragnar’s horn as a touchdown celebration. Of course, I assume he actually means the Viking horn and not sucking on Ragnar’s fleshy lollipop, but you never know with Chad. He may just try something that crazy to throw us all off. While that’s an interesting celebration idea, here at PJD we decided to come up with some other options in case he, you know, scores multiple times on the Vikings’ fisted defensive backs, which is entirely possible. Read on for our celebration ideas … – In reference to Nordic women (and what better antagonizing method is there then to make fun of someone’s women! YOU’RE ALL FRAIL!) Ocho could score a touchdown and then grab a fans hotdog and Helga helmet and run to the field entrances where the teams come out. At that point, he should don the helmet, rear his head back and give out a bellow like an ancient Vikings mating call, then throw the hotdog down the field entrance hallway. It would be scathing because it would make it look like our women have MASSIVE vaginas, and anyone wearing a Helga hat deserves a punch to the face, so for those people that already hate Ocho, this should work to increase your anger even more. Of course, you’re probably one of those people that wear Helga hats already, so maybe you’ll just end up liking him. Either way, your lady friend has a HUGE vaginal cavity. – After scoring, Chad could run to the Vikings cheerleaders, who will be stoically smiling despite the home team being down by several scores already, and drop two of them to there knees, facing each other ass to ass. Once again going for the Dome Dog (or if he’s smart, he’ll just hide a double sided dildo down his pant leg. No one would know it’s not his true package!) and drop it between the two cheerleaders and encourage them to “put it to use”, ala a famous Minnesota boat party. He will then mimic rolling a camera and proceed to faux-masturbate for a good 30 seconds before busting his Ocho face out and then heading back to his sidelines with a shit eating grin. – Ocho will steal Ragnar’s motorcycle segway and start tearing around the Metrodome at dangerous speeds. It will be wild, sexy, and flat out irresponsible. At some point, probably not until after he has made three laps, people will start wondering when he’ll stop and if maybe he’s just gone crazy. It won’t be until lap eight that the cops will come out and actually try to stop him by flashing their lights and chasing him on their own segways. At this point, Ocho will stop and just declare to everyone that he was “late for a team meeting”, and then throw the finger points at Purple Jesus and n, who obviously will be fuming on the sidelines. Ocho will then have to pay his speeding fine on top of the league fine that he will undoubtedly receive. – After scoring, Chad will mock the overweight stereotype of Midwestern people when he pulls a sumo suit somehow hidden underneath his teams’ bench to wear, puts the Helga helmet back on, and then starts rubbing melted butter all over himself and making NOM NOM NOM sounds while alternately taking bites out of the butter stick and lathering himself up. He will lumber along the sidelines with a grabbing claw as well, pinching food out of fans hands, pretending to deep fry it in a bucket of boiling lard, and then eat it as if it were on a stick. The two huge fatties who will without fail be in the front row occupying two seats each will cry as their food is stolen, and Pat Williams will start salivating on the opposing sidelines. – After Chad runs freely into the endzone after a long touchdown catch, he will drop the ball and appear as if he is going to not celebrate. However, he will begin to slowly walk towards the goal posts with a hunched back where Bengal fans that he hired to sit there will start throwing balled up paper and garbage at him. Upon reaching the goal posts he will slowly climb to the cross bar and pretend to hang himself in a mock crucifixion and magically have a purple halo rise from out of the back of his jersey. At this point he will raise his head to the Metrodome Teflon and yell “They know not who The Black Mexican is!” before faking his own death. Purple Jesus will obviously be shaking his fists in a furious fashion. There you go. Got any suggestions or ideas yourself? Put them in the comments and prepare for the second coming of The Black Mexican this weekend at the Metrodome!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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