As most of you know, Brett Favre crawled out of his hovel and appeared on the 29th trimester abortion called “Joe Buck Live.” I didn’t see it. Did Buck wear a button down shirt with the top button undone, showing that he’s hip and casual on his own show? Fuck, I want to tie his shoe laces together on that show. Fuck him right in the pants. But anyway, more to the point for Vikings fans, Favre broke his silence and pretty much confirmed what we all knew, that he IS GOING TO PLAY FOR THE VIKINGS in 2009, and there’s nothing you can do about it. He also confirmed that Ed Werder and Chris Mortensen are bastards for reporting a deadline that never was. So fuck you to in the exit wounds as well.
Luckily for our readership that now includes my mother and the dude that keeps looking for jail bait pictures, PJD got a hold of the full transcript here that was unedited for TV. Really? Even on HBO they edited what Favre’s comments were? I know, it blew our mind as well, but read on and you’ll figure out why. The BOLD AND ITALICS are what Joe Buck’s writers made him say awkwardly, the NORMAL FONT is Favre’s televised response, and the BOLD TEXT is what Favre said but had cut from the final viewing. Tremendous stuff, really …
A “highlight package” of Favre’s retirement from the Packers in March 2008 and then everything that has happened since sparked this response.
“The piece I was watching back there was kind of painful because of those ugly ass colors I was wearing. Green and gold? Jesus, get fucked Wisconsin. It was hard to watch, it was hurting my damn eyes so bad. I know people are tired of me talking about coming back. As we talked prior to the show, my intentions are not to … although it’s good for you and Ed Werder apparently, create controversy. The last three months you’re going, ‘stir it, stir it suck it, bite it’ It is what it is. It is tough. I haven’t watched anything. Some of those things that you had in your piece I haven’t seen so thanks for force feeding it to me, dick. I did see satellite trucks outside our gate. I was sneaking out a back gate to fuck a goat, which they didn’t know. It’s crazy, it really is. But I try not to pay attention to it.”
Q. Do you plan on playing in the NFL next season?
A. “Maybe I plan on punching Fran Tarkenton right in the mouth. Playing football in 2009? I am considering it.”
Q. Have you had surgery performed on your passing arm?
A. “About 2 1/2 weeks ago I had surgery to repair my torn vagina, and my arm. Dr. [James] Andrews did the surgery and he said more or less, ‘Four, five weeks you should know if it was completely successful when you can finally pee standing up.’ I can throw interceptions and I could throw interceptions before the surgery. But I couldn’t throw touchdowns … and that’s what happened to me late in the year. I would throw it there and it would go there. Essentially, I couldn’t do what a quarterback is supposed to do, or rather, I played like Tarvaris Jackson. Certain throws hurt, I’d have pain in my neck and down my arm, but then I found out it was just a heart attack. When I left after the final game last year with the Jets I said, ‘I’m not going to blame these fuckwad New Yorkers…’ I knew I needed surgery and I didn’t want to have it and I ended up having it, which sounds a lot like my decisions on playing. If it feels better, I’m rehabbing, doing what I need to do to get it back in shape. Have talked with the Vikings. Nothing other than, ‘Are you interested?’ Vice versa. I’ve had the vagina procedure, which they know and it’s more or less how my arm feels and if my repaired clitoris doesn’t stick out like AJ Hawks’ in football pants and we’ll go from there.”
Q. Have you met with members of the Vikings coaching staff?
A. “I’d be lying if I said it was Not true. I met with their trainer [on Sunday] and all it was about was to go through some exercises that could help with the rehab from pain killers. That was it. Different stretching and band work where I played bass.”
Q. Is Minnesota the only team on your radar?
A. “That’s all I’ve talked to. It makes perfect sense as far as coming back because it’s an offense that I ran with great failing success for 16 years. I could teach the offense how to make back breaking turnovers. It was tough going to New York last year because I was two weeks late with my period, it was a totally new offense for me and I thought, ‘This won’t be too bad.’ And [Jets offensive coordinator] Brian Schottenheimer and [coach Eric] Mangini and those guys were great with me because we condensed it down to where a retard could understand it and I could at least call the plays. But it was like learning a foreign language, like Englandish, or Australian, or a Southern Drawl.”
Q. What would it mean to have a star running back like Adrian Peterson?
A. “It’s like the terminology with the offense. It makes a lot of sense because the pieces are in place that would cover my ass when I screw up royally. They do have a great running back, a lofty running back, they have a great running game. If I go there, I mean there’s no guarantees that I won’t bring Packer and Vikings fans together over their mutual hatred for me. We all know that. I went through that last year with New York and Packer fans hating me together. I think every player should think that he’s a difference maker for the worse. I think you have to believe that. I think in that situation understanding what is expected of you, knowing your team, knowing that as long as we can run the ball and complete passes when needed we should be pretty good and I’ll look like a fucking genius while everyone else does my hard work.”
Q. What needs to happen for you to sign with the Vikings?
A. “I think first and foremost, I don’t think you can go past anything more than the arm. And my swollen, sandy vagina. If that’s not up to par, and it’s not up to par when the time comes, then I can’t play but I’ll keep telling you I want to. I went through it last year and I’ve gutted it out or whatever but it affected me and it affected our team and I don’t want to do that again and I won’t do it again but maybe I will. So that was why I went ahead and had the surgery. I didn’t want to wait and wait for this tendon to pop or whatever and be mid-season, then it’s too late to decide that I didn’t actually want to play without throwing away, literally, the second half of a season. Again. So I had the procedure done. As I rehab and continue to throw and things, if it ever gets to the point where it feels like it did before it started hurting, then that … the biggest question mark is out of the way. Although, Deanna still wonders about the vagina issues, obviously.”
Q. Was there a deadline put on you by Vikings coach Brad Childress?
A. “No, Ed Werder, there was not. It’s not like I’ve talked to those guys every day about wanting to get back at that ass face Ted Thompson. They knew I had surgery. Coach Childress had asked if I would come to OTAs to make out. Not that I would have to participate and I totally understood that side of it because my mouth is like a female organ with all this hair around it. I chose not to and you can pick sides on this and I think both sides are right while both sides are also wrong. He wanted me to be there to be a part of the team and things like that, knowing that there’s no guarantee my arm will be like it was before. I chose to stay away because I figured there would be a media frenzy if I was there with that minx Rachel Nichols showing up and there would be a media frenzy if I couldn’t play, if we had to say three weeks later, ‘You know his arm is just not up to par, he can’t play and then Nichols would just be heart broken. …’ I said, ‘Why not just have one media frenzy?’ And that would be later on. But it wasn’t anything to do with practicing or anything like that because the stories of me not enjoying practice are … well, they’re completely true. It’s either all or nothing to me.”
Q. Former Vikings great and Hall of Fame quarterback Fran Tarkenton was very critical of you recently. Do you think you are tarnishing your image?
A. “I think the 16 years that I spent in Green Bay speaks for itself over what that repressed homo did in several different cities. This whole process and what’s happened in the last couple of years — and I was talking to Chad [Johnson] backstage just a little while ago and I truly have no fucking idea why he’s here — and I truly believe this. There are those people who are in your corner no matter what, you can’t do any wrong, even when you do wrong in the NFC Championship game in overtime. And then there are those people that no matter what you do they are going to dislike you and that’s not going to change, like that queer banger Fran. And then there are the rest that don’t give a shit like everyone outside of the NFC North. That’s true. We get letters all the time at my house, my wife’s telling me, she’s like, ‘Hey, we got this nice e-mail from such and such and wants you to come back and suck your cock, signed: Fran.’ She never shows me the bad ones. But I know there are sexy ones too. And then there are those people who you ask them on the street and they are like, ‘Who gives a damn? I don’t care if he comes back, if he goes to wherever.’ I totally understand that but I also know it hurts my vagina, because I want people to always slob my knob, like Madden. Once again, it is what it is. Whether it’s right or it’s wrong who is to say besides some whining Packer fan in rural Wisconsin who can’t jack off to a laminated photo of me throwing a laser pass? I’m trying my best not to fuel the fire even though I am. This is the first time I’ve spoken, if you didn’t know. But now I’ll remind you about that fact.”
Q. What about getting a chance to play?
A. “I’ve had so many people tell me, one in particular, Coach [John] Madden just to name drop him, so he doesn’t commit suicide. It’s simple but it’s true that when you’re gone and you’re away from this game you can’t go back. Just ask Jeff George. Maybe as a coach you can but you just can’t go back.”
Q. You are talking about physically because you have said goodbye before?
A. “At 40 years old, which I will be in October, we’re not getting any younger, especially Deanna, saggy tit remains and all. And believe me, I wake up every day and I go, ‘Why don’t I just go bang a 19 year old farm girl in Wisconsin’ and ‘Why am I even thinking about playing?’ Obviously things that you think about at 39, you didn’t think about at 25, even at 30 like how it’s so much harder to get an erection when you’re older. Obviously, I have a family and as much as I ask them what I should do, I get the same response, ‘Whatever you want to do dad, we just don’t fucking care anymore.’ I’m like, ‘That’s not what I wanted to hear, now get in that bathroom while I beat you with a sock full of soap bars.’”
Q. What about going into Lambeau Field wearing a Vikings jersey? That isn’t going to sit well with Packers fans.
A. “I don’t know what to tell them besides grow the fuck up. Vince Lombardi went to the Washington Redskins when he left, but most Packer fans were bandwagon fans after I got there, so they probably don’t even remember him. Did you know though that His name’s on the [championship] trophy? That’s a crazy fact. We give that trophy out every year. I don’t hear too many people saying, ‘That damn traitor, he went to Washington.’ Time heals a lot of things, like vagina scar tissue, and I have nothing but the highest regard for Green Bay and I mean that sincerely except that my fingers are crossed right now. Did some things happen there that may have ruffled the feathers for both sides? Fuck and Yes. But, once again, the 16 years I spent there you can’t take away no matter how hard you try, because it’s locked away IN MY BRAIN. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world except for one shot to play with the Vikings and fuck those fans in the ass good. They chose to go in a different direction and that’s OK. I chose to play again and that’s OK … maybe. Just because I had former players, friends of mine, I had family, that said, ‘I can’t picture you playing anywhere but Green Bay. I can’t do it.’ It’s football. It’s not life or death so get over it, assholes.”