There has been a change in offensive tone in the 2009 Metrodome since years past. This change started with the trade of Randy Moss years ago and had since been declining rapidly, only to build itself back up.
The first glimmer of hope was in the 2006 draft when fabled resurrected running back and savior of man kind, Purple Jesus, fell to the number seven pick and was selected by the Minnesota Vikings. After a dismal 2005 campaign for the Vikings, their fortunes were bound to turn around with such a dynamic player, and really, celestial-figure-masquerading-as-a-human. And they did. The Vikings became considered one of the best rushing teams in the league in a short time, but because Purple Jesus has heavenly restrictions on just how dominant he can be when parading around as a human being, the team continued to fall short.
Until now. Enter 2009, and Brad Childress’ fully realized time and space warping offense.
The changes to the offensive scheme have been dynamic since the high flying days of Culpepper to Moss, and according to Coach Childress, the potential was there for this offensive explosion ever since he arrived in town.
“Oh, yeah, it’s always been there.” Childress said between a bite of plain seven grain wheat toast early Monday morning after the Lions win. “I’ve said it all along; this is a Kick Ass Offense. You just have to add one or two little pieces here and there and it becomes almost unstoppable. It’s a scheme I’ve been working on, working with, and tweaking since my days at Wisconsin and then through Philadelphia.”
Those “little pieces here and there” that were added in 2009 came in the form of some no name graying quarterback in Brett Favre and an overlooked hybrid college player in Percy Harvin.
Taking over for fan favorite Tarvaris Jackson – who in his brilliant young career with Minnesota had compiled a 10-9 record to go with 3500 career yards and was just starting to grasp the magnitude of Childress’ offense – Brett Favre has stepped in and performed admirably, at least for someone so old with wrinkly balls. Favre says it has all to do with Childress’ offensive scheme.
“What? Oh, no, I didn’t mean that. I meant that I’ve been coachin’ him this entire season on this here offense” Favre said between looking old and decrepit. “Its kinda funny, he still likes ta call in tha play from tha sidelines and I pretend to tell tha guys the play in tha huddle, but instead I just tell Sid to go deep or say ‘Purple, I’m just givin’ you tha ball. Go nuts’. And it usually works. It’s probably so ‘kick ass’ because it’s so damn confusing and I have ta dumb it down the only way I can. I think that’s why they brought me in. I’m kinda like tha de facto coach on tha field. That’s what anyone else’ll tell ya.”
Vikings receiver Sidney Rice, the recent 200 yard receiving team member, seems to have been the main benefactor of Childress’ dynamic offense efficiency. “Yeah, my numbers look good this year” Rice said with a hair flick “but if Coach would have had a quarterback three years ago we’d probably be Super Bowl champs already and I’d be in the Hall of Fame talk. Oh, that, and if he called plays to throw the ball over five yards back then.”
New receiver Percy Harvin remains the other notable tiny piece added to the Vikings offensive puzzle in 2009. He says he’s really grown as a player under Coach Childress’ scheme and tutelage. “Coach keeps on, uh, telling me that I can return kick offs and play a bit of receiver, sir, and that be about it.” Harvin said as he hid something behind his back that was smoking. “I keep telling him that I, uh, did more on the field in college than I have yet as a Pro and that, yes sir, I can handle a whole load of work, but Coach, he, uh, thinks of some silly things in order to try and get the ball to me. For instance, last, uh, Sunday against the Lions, what was with that end around? I can take a hit, just throw me the, uh, FUCKING BALL YOUR RETARDED FUCKING COCK FACE OF A SHITTY COACH!”
Childress remembered that play fondly as an example of just how smart his offense can be. “See, that’s the beauty of it all!” Childress tried to explain while eating plain cottage cheese. “Opposing defenses look at our film and frequently see us with the bubble screen to Percy, or see us just hand the ball of to PJ and they come into the games expecting that. So instead, we have to counter move their counter move by creating a counter play on the field to counteract their aggressive counters. That Percy Harvin end around that PJ tossed to him was one great example.”
And for those dwelling on the fact that the play resulted in a fumble, don’t think too hard about it. “Did the play result in positive yards? No.” Coach continued while eating a melon half. “Did the play result in negative yards but had the team at least retain possession? Well, no, that didn’t happened either. But the play was so smart, you see, that not even my players understood how great it was, which was why we lost the ball. That’s why I hate to play rookies.”
Some players disagreed. “I don’t get why you don’t just hand me the ball every time” Purple Jesus said while drinking his own blood during lunch. “I’m done with this ‘You can’t appear too other-wordly to humans’ crap. Give me the rock and let me destroy these meat bags. Get me a Super Bowl and then get me back to Heaven where I can screw any chick I want in her dreams.”
“Not like I can’t do that here, I guess. It’s just cleaner in Heaven.”
Favre chimed in too. “Yeah, I’m not too sure what Chilly meant by that one” he said, referring to the brilliant play calling strategy. “If you thought that one were bad, you should hear what he’s calling into tha huddle before I audible it on third downs. I have ta send Tahi off the field ta prevent seven dump off passes to him in a row. I guess Chilly just thinkin’ that with every guy focused on PJ and Percy that no one would think ta stop the slow, fat full back lumbering out tha back field. Me? I think it’d be easier than trackin’ down a wild turkey on your farm with an elephant gun.”
“I don’t expect the guys to understand my play calling.” Childress finished his thought and his breakfast with lukewarm water. “It’s very complex. I’ve been working on these plays for years. I’ve been watching defenses for decades. These guys have only played in the system for four years. They won’t get how smart I am. Every week I have to plan to stop their plan which was to stop my plan from the week before. You have to stay edgy and unpredictable. You have to stay exciting and keep the other team, and your own players, guessing. I think we’ve really brought that to this offense, and finally we’re seeing the potential this year thanks to my advanced play calling.”
“Yeah” Favre finished with an eye roll. “That’s all on Coach.”