Visanthe at the Movies: One Fantastic Phalange …

Movie buff and Minnesota Vikings Visanthe Shiancoe recently attended a screening of the newest pop cultural phenomenon, Brüno, and we asked him to share his review with us…

vs001a

“With football season coming up and training camp looming, I knew that I wouldn’t have much of an opportunity to catch another flick this summer (besides Harry Potter’s new film. Midnight tickets, ya’ll!). I thought it would be best for me then to write up another review as soon as I could with a highly anticipated summer movie that, honestly, knocked my pants off. This time, we touch on a film that many reviewers say breaks social boundaries, challenges people’s beliefs and produced shocking and alarming visuals; “Brüno”.

bruno

Generally, Brüno follows the story of an eccentric homosexual Austrian who is looking to become the next big thing in America through any means possible. Unfortunately, he comes to Los Angeles down on his luck and, in his attempt to live the modern American dream, follows a path of crazy antics that leads him cross-country to his destination. Along the way, you find little Asian monkey men, that bitch Paula Abdul, Ron Paul calling people queers, and plenty of flaccid male genitals, which has been a cause of contention for many movie goers so far.

Well, I got news for you worried viewers. While Brüno may not have been the most in depth or character driven movie you have ever seen in your life, what it does to break boundaries for socially neglected individuals who live a lifestyle hidden away from society is wonderful. Finally, like Brüno, I am able to come out from behind my shadow and live freely like he does.

As a cock flasher.

That’s right. You think that live flashing of my horse cock on TV in the locker room last year was an accident? No, my dear reader, not at all. What I tried to do then was what Brüno has finally accomplished today; allow young men all over this great nation to walk around and be proud of their threatening meat needle. Whereas I was just one man in a locker room with a coach awkwardly looking at my glorious glory hole devastator, Brüno had all of San Francisco and the Austrian Nazi’s at his back to give voice to those that don’t have one, and a penis to those who unfortunately carry silenced ones, and hopefully, that voice can set us casual dong wavers free.

visanthe-shiancoe2

Listen, it’s not an easy life to have your inner thighs and knees bruised for your entire life. I know most men think to themselves, “My God, I would love to enjoy a massive schlong that would make the female gender quiver in fear when it thumps to the floor” but the reality of the situation for people like me is much different. With such a massive endowment it’s only natural to feel that you want to share your treasure with others and to be a champion of noble acts with it wherever you can. If that means splitting a vagiant in two once in a while or “accidentally” smirking at the camera while my trust fund breathes in the live television feed, then that’s what I’ll have to do. But whenever this situation pokes up, people like me have had to apologize for a “wardrobe malfunction” and tuck our beasts away again.

Brüno has changed this. Of course, I realize that naked walking won’t be accepted all of the time now or that chasing down skirts with a baby arm will still be frowned upon, but what this movie has done is opened doors that were previously closed. Now, instead of profusely apologizing and acting embarrassed for trying to save humanity with my garden hose, I’ll proudly keep my head up and say, “Yes, I have shown you God’s greatest creation, the pride of all of Minnesota, and it is glorious. Now, go in peace.” Like all drastic change in time, acceptance of this lifestyle will be slow and many people may still frown upon such showings, but that’s why movies like Brüno are so important. They end up acclimating people to the world I have always lived in and allow others to follow in Brüno’s footsteps and immaculately shaven meat spins.

Bruno-movie-u02

Was Brüno a blockbuster that had fantastic character development or a gripping, intense story? No. But did it break overlooked social barriers and provide a unique insight into a way of life that is rarely seen. Double yes. For that amazing feat alone it is worth the viewing, and writing strictly as a movie reviewer I give it 8 dicks on my scale of 1 – 10. As a renowned boogie man handler though, I have to give this film the highest recommendation I can in an effort to bring attention to my plight; one massive morning-wood erection.

Reader, it doesn’t get much better than that.”

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

Quantcast