The Super Bowl … the Final Frontier … These are the voyages of the football team, the Minnesota Vikings. It’s 48 year mission: To explore strange new end zones, to seek out new free agents and new ways to move the ball three yards at a time; to boldly go where no Vikings team has gone before!
SUPER BOWL VICTORS!!
Ha, ha, just kidding. I thought I would put a relevant spin on this weekend’s, and perhaps this year’s, most striking new cultural phenomenon, the new Star Trek movie! Many people have taken their valuable time to discuss different topics, like how does this new Star Trek compare to past Trek shows and movies, how effective are the re-casted characters and does this new film touch on the issues of morals in society that Gene Roddenberry’s classics did? While these topics, and many others, are covered by people of note elsewhere on this fair interweb, in my review today I would like to touch on an issue that has largely gone unnoticed.
Where are the tits in this movie? (POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD!)
The film starts off pretty solid with lots of action shots to really draw the audience in. You can tell right away that this isn’t the Star Trek that your daddy knew and loved. The special effects are outstanding and you see an elder Starfleet officer named Kirk, who apparently turns out to be James Kirk’s father, attacking an enemy in a daring space battle. This cuts to a scene where you see a pregnant woman fearing that she will be giving birth on the ship as several members are trying to evacuate. Finally! The audience is anticipating seeing a vagina shot, or maybe a boob hanging out or something. I mean, at this point we’re already like 15 minutes into the movie and we haven’t even seen any whoo-haas yet. Alas, you just get a bit of a teaser as the woman birth’s James Kirk without so much as a nip slip. True to real life? I don’t know … maybe they figured out how to not show any nudity during pregnancy in the future. I tried to suspend belief as I continued on in the film.
Obviously, the movie starts out strong. In time, it follows young Kirk to a small town in future Iowa as he finds himself at a local drinking establishment. Ok. Iowa, drinking establishment, they reference sheep fucking … There’s gotta be some tits here, right? I mean, when was the last time you went out to the bar and didn’t see some breasticles? Am I right? This scene has great potential too, as the foxy mamma Uhura strolls into the picture making my dick hard. Ok. It’s on now. Kirk is going to freak this chick and finally, after like 30 minutes, we’ll see a pokie, right? Ha. Laughable. Kirk tries his damndest, I’ll give him that, but it’s like the film maker is running a futuristic cock tease here and absolutely refuses to get people naked. At the very least though, the audience can leave this scene feeling that the director set up great potential for the film by introducing Uhura. God damn.
As the characters are developed and their back stories expanded upon, we finally find most of the main characters getting to know each other at Starfleet Academy. Another scene opens with Kirk rolling in the dark shadows with a curvy figure … and then we find out it’s a green alien chick! Finally! The director wasn’t playing anyone for a fool, he was teasing us with this Earthling poonan while all along he was going to drop a megaton bomb on us by providing some green alien cootch! Who could have guessed? I was freaking out at this point, only to get curious when Uhura walked into the room and broke up the action. Oh hell no, another cock tease? Or … wait … holy shit, she’s taking her shirt off! The fucking director is going to blow minds, get all sorts of awards, and be decreed a visionary when he has a white linebacker, a black chick, and some green alien snatch make the hottest sex scene EVER!
Well, go to fucking hell director, because you did not do any of that. You made Uhura chase Kirk out of the room and my pants tent collapsed faster than a rape victim breathing chloroform. What kind of movie were you trying to make here? Everyone is throwing praises towards your feature film, claiming that it’s a wonderful combination of mindless, popcorn fun with a great tip of the hat to Trek showings of old. Well, I’ll tell you this. This isn’t the 1960’s anymore, director. We’re all adults now and if we demand to see Kirk smashing some alien chick while motor boating Uhura’s chest region, that’s what the movie going public should get! And not only do we not get to see any of this imaginary wondrous action, we get tricked into thinking we will throughout the entire film. Why do that? Why tear the soul out of this movie and replace it with a sausage party? Director, you are worse than the mini skirt wearing whore at the bar that just wants to cuddle later that night. You’re better than that. Direct like it.
I would love to recommend this movie to my faithful readership, but without some gratuitous T and A, what’s the point? It would be more effective of me to suggest someone go to a local strip club. At least there they consistently take their tops off and provide some sweaty knockers in your face. But I suppose if you’re looking for some mindless entertainment to distract you before you hit the Red Light District, attending a viewing of Star Trek this summer may not be all bad. It’s mindless, soulless, breastless fun frequently gives the audiences glimpses of greatness, but unlike my member, it falls just short of satisfying. In other words, set phasers … to disappointment!