What’s up with … The Motor City Kitties

You know, there’s been a lot of “She said, She said” amongst the NFL North teams this offseason. The Packers have been pleased to sit back and hide amongst the shadows like stealthy assassins, laughing at the Viking-Favre drama, whilst they mobilize their forces, train their compatriots and make a valiant effort at a 4-12 season. The Bears have signed their own queen of drama this offseason in blood when they brought Cuntler down from the mountains to weep amongst the windy willows in Chicago. The Vikings have just raised expectations higher than a morning erection only to be disappointed when you find out it’s a man you blacked out next to last night. What, never happened to you? dl005 But what about those Lions of Detroit? Sure, it’s easy to pile on top of them for being embarrassingly bad (trust me, I’m well versed), but I’ve started to turn a wary eye towards these forgotten Kings of the Urban Jungle this offseason. Will they be threatening the Vikings for a division crown? Will they prove to be an unstoppable force barreling towards a Super Bowl crown? Will they enforce new city laws so that hobos stop drowning in their abandoned warehouses? No to all of the above, but that new slippery prick of a coach Jim Schwartz has me watching him closely. Here’s why. dl003 The Lions are an abysmal team. We all know that. Going 40-104 since 2000 will pretty much lock you in as a horrible, horrible excuse for entertainment. Even in a shithole waste land of a city like Deeeettroooooiiit (Stupid fucking Pistons). Maybe it’s because you’ve had a bad draft strategy, you know, for an entire decade. Or maybe your front office was more interested in mustaches than in putting together a successful football team. Hey, whatever, I’m not splitting hairs and Lion fans know this is all true, so bite your bitter tasting tongue, you Honolulu Blue Jersey wearers. But new Coach Schwartz may be on to something. If you check their recent transaction logs, Viking fans may see some familiar faces. Perusing the list we find Glenn Holt, Billy McMullen, Rufus Alexander, Brooks Bollinger and even a brief appearance by Toniu Fonoti. Now, don’t be mistaken; the Lions are just such a team that they may as well try bringing in every single warm body off of the streets – or down from the stands – to see if they’d be an upgrade over anything they have on their current roster. Chances are the freshest individual will be. I’m guessing here, but there has to be just one guy in that front office that has a job description stating that he must only scan the waiver wire for potential people not sucking in between closing his eyes real tight and wishing he was anywhere but, you know, Detroit. I want that job, and want to be able to work remotely, from like the Bahamas. dl004 Anyway, it shouldn’t be a big surprise that the Lions have picked up some players that were recent Vikings, either in the past weeks or the past years. I mean, the Vikings have done similar things in the past by signing former teams players under the veil that they are here to help the team. Sharper, , Longwell, Favre and Wade all come to mind. But let’s stop kidding ourselves; the real reason that any team does this is to put these worthless players in a torture chamber and pump them for all the information they have on the former team. I mean, look at how much that helped the Vikings in beating the Packers during Sharpers seasons with the team. … Oh, right. Assuming that Schwartz picked up Holt for the Lions recently to provide information on the Vikings isn’t out of the question. It’s a smart move – for someone with a brain injury – and one that makes me scowl like a bullied little bitch on the playground towards our eastern most rival. Rival, of course, is used quite loosely. But I don’t like it when any perennial door mat tries to become an upstart team full of young talent and potential. I have a terrible feeling that a loss in the Vikings’ column this year will be signed and delivered by Schwartz and his muddled group of Lions, let by an overweight Georgian quarterback, and if that’s the case I hope Brad Childress gets dried semen in his crusty old beard. dl002 But we’re not there yet. The Lions aren’t as hapless as they once were, but they’re not division bullies either. Also, I’m not convinced that they still haven’t blundered at drafting people yet, as indicated by them smartly drafting zero offensive linemen, a significant area of need on that team, in a deep offensive linemen draft. Schwartz is a slippery goomba, don’t know about the smartest, but I’ll still be watching him carefully with these sneaky tactics. But I also know I’m not the only one. I’m sure Purple Jesus, who sees all mind you, will be keeping a wary eye on Detroitians as well, and if anything looks illegal or unofficial, you better watch out … adduck001


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.