Winfield Explains his Offseason Absence … Terribly

I don't not look totally boss. Or Don't I?

I don't not look totally boss. Or Don't I?

Thursday night was a big night for Viking fans, as their favorite Little Engine that Could player, Antoine Winfield, finally broke his silence about his off season absence. In a concise statement released to the media, Winfield explained his absence as such:


“I want all to know that I’m not at OTA’s because I don’t want to be there. I do want to be there! As I have stated before, I want to finish my career a Viking.”


… What? Is Purple Jesus the only one that thinks this is one of the worst defending comments made in history? It’s absolutely embarrassing. But, it did get us thinking. What if other people took Winfield’s route of action defense and framed their declarations similarly? Would guilty parties appear more innocent? Would certain individuals be let off of the hook? Read on to witness a bizarro world. Chances are you’ll never guess who these inverted quotes came from, because we’re just so fucking witty here …

– It’s not that I don’t not want Kobe Bryant to win an NBA Championship, I just don’t want him to not attempt to maybe eat my ass.

– No, I totally appreciate Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman and don’t think that they’re not perfect together. In fact, I never even think I’ve ever thought it would be possible for me to definitely not ever hunt the two of them down and kill them not on purpose. It would maybe not ever never happen.

– I did help Kitty Genovese. I was standing by my window when I heard her scream for assistance and when I looked out and saw others just watching and ignoring, not doing anything to offer assistance, I immediately picked up my phone, dialed the police, and then went down to her side to protect her until help arrived. Not. (I always love that one – Ed.)

– I would not never do steroids, especially if it wouldn’t definitely give me a competitive advantage when I don’t, shouldn’t and do have massive amounts of pressure resting upon my shoulders after signing a ten year contract with Texas. It’s not that it isn’t unethical to the game of baseball, it’s just that I don’t think it isn’t a big deal.

– Why would I need to cheat on my SAT’s to get into a difficult and academically notorious school like the University of Memphis when I’ve not ever had any difficulties with school work in the past? In fact, I’ve never been an exceptional test taker, and knew going in that I would horribly fail the SAT’s, but it never convinced me to ask for assistance illegally.

– You say virgin like it’s a bad thing. It’s not like I’m a virgin that hasn’t had traditionally accepted examples of consensual sexual intercourse before, I’ve just never actually been able to partake in the commonly understood instance of agreed upon actions where one individual inserts their penile genitalia into a vaginal genitalia for an agreed upon amount of time. I’ve never done that.

– Don’t think of it as giving myself a bonus with the gracious bailout money that you and the American people have so kindly offered, think of it as me not not giving myself an opportunity to afford an extended sabbatical to clear my thoughts on these trying issues of our economy and not providing me with an opportunity to come back to this great organization with new and fresh ideals that I obtained while climbing mountains in Nepal and later New Guinea

– Let’s not jump to conclusions here. Sure, it may have appeared that this homeless man was fellating me in a dark park around the midnight hour in Foggy London town in exchange for cash and/or drugs, but it did not look like he was fingering my asshole while I wasn’t casually running my fingers through his oily hair and definitely not loving every second of it. At all.

– You’ve got it all wrong. I didn’t attempt to not try and put that double sided dildo in her gash. It would have been wrong of me to not try to stand there and not do nothing. So I didn’t not do nothing and proceeded to never penetrate two vags at once with a three foot long dong that definitely did not look like a Shiancoe wang on either end.

– I am going to retire. No, wait, I don’t think I want to anymore. I want to play now. Let me play. Oh, well, that wasn’t that much fun and this town is stupid. I want to retire again, why won’t you let me? Hmm … this is kind of boring, I think I will un-retire and play again. Well … let me think about it for a bit, ok?


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.