Zero Insight – Loney Has A Man Crush

Occasionally, Purple Jesus likes to check in with geriatric columnist Sid Hartman to see what secular insight the elder architect has included in his daily column. Most likely it is full of piss and vinegar, like the old man himself, but occasionally Purple Jesus comes across nuggets like these …

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Such lustrous hair ... You're getting me all hot and heavy Sid!

While speculation continues in the media about the Vikings’ perceived weakness at quarterback,

A weakness that is only perceived in the media, while the rest of us damned souls are well aware as to what kind of a black hole of madness our QB position situation is like …

 Steve Loney –

Jesus, is this the only guy you talk to?

who was a Vikings offensive line coach under Mike Tice from 2003 to 2005 and now has the same job with the Rams — is confident new quarterback Sage Rosenfels will solve the problem.

Hey, did you hear that? Problem solved everyone! Steve Loney says so!

Loney, who also was offensive line coach and offensive coordinator for the Gophers in 1998 and ’99, was offensive coordinator at Iowa State from 1995 to 1997

And 2000 and 2001, but let’s not double check facts here or anything…

during part of Rosenfels’ college career there.

Which his only significant career moment was during the 2000 season … Maybe he was on the roster as defensive fodder in 1997? Regardless, Iowa State Records during Loney’s early years were as follows; 1995: 3-8, 1996: 2-9, 1997: 1-10 … So, they got progressively worse. I mean, worse from a 3-8 record, every year. You almost can’t do that if you were even trying. It’s amazing. This guy couldn’t coach the pants of Lindsay Lohan. Granted, in 2000 with Rosencopter at the helm they had the best season in their history EVER! Maybe Loney should have had him starting earlier? Asshat.

“I was happy that he went up there,” Loney said. “You guys will like him. I think he’s good.

Again, a little hesitant to take your word on this one, Loney…

“The thing about him is that he’s more athletic than people really probably gave him credit for.

sage_rosenfels_helicopter_feature

WEEEEEEEEEEEE!

When you watch him play, he had more athleticism than people really anticipated him having. He did things with the ball.”

Did things with the ball? Or balls? And things? Like cupped them or what? I don’t want a bush league QB handling my balls up here.

Iowa State was 9-3 during Rosenfels’ senior year (2000), and the Cyclones went to their first bowl game since 1978.

These facts are true. Who did this research for you old man?

“We went to the Insight.com bowl game down in Phoenix and played Pitt,”

Fucking perennial powerhouse, we’ll take you down Pitt!

 Loney recalled. “We won. I can’t state any statistics,

Don’t bother, it’s impossible to find these things anywhere now-a-days.

but he played well.”

Well, you’re no help Loney. Maybe old man Sid knows how to use a computer better than you do. He’s already nailed one statistical truth …

Rosenfels completed 23 of 34 passes for 308 yards and two touchdowns in the 37-29 victory over Pitt.

What the hell? Maybe Sid’s trying to pull one on us … (Double checks facts, finds them to be true). I’ll be damned, we just traded for the greatest QB to ever play the game!

“He’s a big guy, too, a big, physical guy,” Loney said. “We won out at Colorado in 2000;

So Loney just states that he was with Iowa State in 2000 but we never mention it? Sid, you’re confusing me. You’re a regular Steve Jobs with this computer-fact checking but now you’re like a Republican fear mongering quote machine, missing some important statements here. Perk up, Pee Paw!

that was one that was a big game his senior year. That’s the game that kind of sticks out.

In Colorado? The terrifying game against an unranked opponent in front of 46,000 stoned students who were looking forward to making fun of Nebraska more than beating Iowa State? I would imagine that a game in front of 70,000 at Iowa in which Sage played well and won, or any win against a Big XII South opponent, especially on the road (Oklahoma State?) would be more impressive. Or what about …

And, of course, the bowl game.”

Oh right, that.

Loney said Rosenfels was very much a leader.

Good, because Sid is still furious that we lost the valuable leadership of diminishing stars Matt Birk and Darren Sharper. I’m sure these two will become great friends now.

“He commands respect.

*sigh* Again?

Action shot!

Action shot!

He’s what you look for in those things,” he said. “When he came in, Iowa State wasn’t winning a lot of games.

At no fault of your own, I’m sure…

 Like I said, his senior year we went 9-3. That really turned it around because from that point on, in six of the next eight years, Iowa State went to bowl games.

They even did it by winning 7 games in most of those years! Amazing! I would have figured they would have squeaked out only 6 and crept their way into a Bowl Game, or blew one of the officials to sneak in, but not after Rosencopter had his way! Maybe he can provide similar inspiration to the Gophers. Who’s jacked for 7 win season and mediocrity? Save the money and hire Glen Mason back!

He was a big part of it.”

Fucking huge part of it. Iowa State would be NOTHING without Rosencopter, and now the Vikings will know such success! Well, him and Seneca Wallace.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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