Zero Insight with Sid Hartman: A Winning Margin of Ten Points

Occasionally, Purple Jesus likes to check in with geriatric columnist Sid Hartman to see what secular insight the elder architect has included in his daily column. Most likely it is full of piss and vinegar, like the old man himself, but occasionally Purple Jesus comes across nuggets of blank wisdom like the fact that losing a game in which you outplay your opponent can be a tough loss to swallow …


The 27-17 loss by the Vikings to the defending Super Bowl champion Steelers was a hard loss to take.

Why? Even Viking fans didn’t expect a win. They’re defending Super Bowl champions on their home turf and our squad was injured on defense. Also, they’re quarterback likes rapings. No one liked our chances, so the fact that the Vikings weren’t blown out was reward enough. Oh … were you just confused because those numbers that indicate team standings on paper told you the Vikings were better? You’re silly, old man!

In fact, after the game coach Brad Childress, realizing the negative feeling the players would have after this tough loss,

Went around and told every player to man up and take the win next time if they want it?

… walked around the locker room talking to most every player.

Fuck. I imagine that went like “Hey, heart of a champion boys, we really played like that out there. Nice work.” Which will be the same speech he gives after he coaches the Super Bowl like it’s a preseason game. Can’t wait!

This was a game that the Steelers didn’t win.

Yes they did. They won 27-17.

The Vikings handed it to them.

*Sigh* That’s such a lazy cop out sunshine pumping pepaw thing to say. No, Sid, they fucking lost because they looked like fucking AIDS filled orphans out there. They also failed to execute with the Steelers defense interrupting the offensive timing and rhythm, and also were subject to water torture coaching by Brad Childress. The Steelers could have slept through this game and still won.

They might have won this game by a minimum of two touchdowns if it wasn’t for the many mistakes they made.

Yeah, but they didn’t, so who fucking cares?

The Vikings coaching staff did a great job preparing the team.


This is such a dumb statement it makes me think that Brad is giving you handskies under the table at Mickey’s diner every Friday morning for writing something so obviously self masturbatory.

Childress and his staff will be very unhappy when they view the video of a game they should have won.

Of course they won’t be happy when they look at the tape. But it’s not because they were so confident that they coached this team to almost win. They’ll see missed opportunities that fall on the coaching staff that they won’t take responsibility for. They’ll also see a Steelers defense that knows how to take advantage of opportunities. Maybe Frazier should take some notes.

The play of the defense was outstanding except for the one touchdown they gave to uncovered Steelers rookie receiver Mike Wallace on a 40-yard pass in the second quarter.

Reread that sentence, Sid. Uncovered. Rookie. 40-yard pass. There was just some STELLAR defensive observing being done on that play.

Mistakes hurt them

So did injuries, having to play the Steelers instead of the Browns, general laziness, and late night sessions of Nip/Tuck that Leber hosted a party of the night before. But don’t mention those. Ok, I made the Browns thing up.

I can’t recall when a Viking offense blew as many opportunities as they did Sunday.

I find that hard to believe, considering that you’re 184 years old. BOOSCHAKAYA!!!! Old jokes are funny.

Despite winning most of the statistical battles, they lost because of three mistakes and their failure to score from the 1-yard-line on three tries and settled for an 18-yard field goal with 4 minutes, 44 seconds left.

Yet their failure to execute was their own fault? Listen, old man, I agree that the Vikings should have ran Purple Jesus into the waiting maw of the Steelers defense from the one four times in a row. You pound that thing until it bleeds! But the fact that they didn’t wasn’t some mental mistake by the collective team. This falls solely on the guy that was kind enough to walk around to everyone after the game and say “Sorry, fellas, we’ll get them next time!” What a fuck mouth. I would have karate chopped him in the throat after he mishandled that play calling.

A fumble by Brett Favre and pass that bounced out of Chester Taylor’s hands were returned for Steelers touchdowns when the Vikings were knocking on the door to take command of the game.

Or knocking on the door to go up by four in the fourth quarter, both times with enough clock left for the Steelers to probably drive down the field and win anyway. I seem to remember that vaguely happening last February somewhere …

They were trailing 13-10 with 6:42 left and had driven down to the Steelers 8-yard line. But Favre was sacked and fumbled.

You make it sound like it was some magical defensive play that asploded Steeler fans heads everywhere. If I remember correctly, Favre danced in the pocket for the entire length of “Free Bird” before being stripped and then flailed his way down the field pretending to try and tackle someone.

LaMarr Woodley picked it up and ran 77 yards for a touchdown.

Ran, lumbered, same difference.

The Vikings bounced right back on a Percy Harvin 88-yard kickoff return and then held the Steelers and got the ball back with 3:21 left. Plenty of time for Favre to win it.

He defines clutch!

He methodically moved the team down to the Steelers 19-yard line with 1:15 left.

Or was bailed out by Purple Jesus dropping a battering ram on that Gaybo.

Another last-minute victory looked like a strong possibility.

As did a heart breaking interception!

But Taylor let a screen pass from Favre glance off his hands to Keyaron Fox, who ran 82 yards for another defensive touchdown and the eventual winning margin.

The winning margin was already at three in favor of the Steelers. I guess I’m not sure what you’re saying here. The Vikings would have kicked a field goal to tie? They were assuredly going to score a touchdown for the lead? I mean, the Steelers still won by 10. Fox was even talking about just running out of bounds on that play to make sure he kept possession, because he knew his touchdown wouldn’t matter at that point. Because they already had the winning margin, you see. That’s how football scores work; you only have to win by one point!

Those weren’t the only mistakes.

They also ate Indian food the night before! AND PEPAW DOESN’T LIKE CURRY!!

Sidney Rice scored what would have been a go-ahead touchdown with 8:16 left, but it was called back because of a tripping penalty on Jeff Dugan.

A call that, while ticky tacky, is clearly defined. You cannot cut block and throw your feet up as well. Watch any offensive line men during a cut block sequence and they just drop like a Balloon Boy. They don’t dive and kick their feet up behind them. It was a dumb move by Dugan, but the right call.

Three plays later Favre’s sack and fumble gave Pittsburgh its first defensive touchdown.

It’s first of many against an offense that kindly placed the football into their waiting hands! It had nothing to do with aggressive defensive play!

That very questionable tripping call could have turned the whole game around.

Could have? It did. Were we watching the same game? Jesus you are infuriating.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.