Zero Insight with Sid Hartman: The Rookies will be Fine, they Played on Special Teams

Occasionally, Purple Jesus likes to check in with geriatric columnist Sid Hartman to see what secular insight the elder architect has included in his daily column. Most likely it is full of piss and vinegar, like the old man himself, but occasionally Purple Jesus comes across nuggets of blank wisdom like this special retardery …

The average fan might have thought the Vikings would have trouble beating the Bengals with standout middle linebacker E.J. Henderson sidelined because of a broken leg …

Yes, the Bengals brought in a lofty record and EJ was just starting to come into his own. Now that he’s gone, the depth behind him is an unproven rookie. There is concern there that the average fan should have. The average fan would be smart to think this.

… and starting safety Tyrell Johnson also out because of a concussion.

Well, now the average fan is just a fucking idiot, because Tyrell has looked like Kenoy Kennedy trying to tackle Purple Jesus this year. But you’re right Sid, Tyrell was going to be the defensive stopper against the Bengals! What would they do without him? Jesus, I’m not ready for this …

The Vikings also were starting two rookies on defense — fifth-round draft choice Jasper Brinkley in place of Henderson and seventh-round pick Jamarca Sanford in place of Johnson — and seeing a lot of action at defensive back was their third-round selection, cornerback Asher Allen.

Little Known Fact: where you were drafted correlates 100% with your ability to perform on the field. ASK ERASMUS JAMES!

But coach Brad Childress said he expected all of the 2009 draft choices to produce because they had experience on special teams, and this was just another spot they were playing.

If Childress said that you can go ahead and fire him right fucking now. “Hey, you’ve played on special teams before, why don’t you just go out now and line up at middle linebacker, make all the correct reads and calls against an NFL offense, and play smart gap assignments against frightening offensive linemen. It’s just like blowing up the wedge on a kick off return, easy!”

“It’s a good football team,

No thanks to you, Coach …

and you know what, those guys have all contributed a little bit all the way through,” Childress said after the 30-10 victor over the Bengals (9-4) at the Metrodome. “Sanford has been on the special teams, Brinkley’s been on special teams, so it’s not like they haven’t been out there. … We coach them all the way along. We expect them to play well.”

“Hey, you’ve cooked a meal at your home once, right? Why not just go step into the burning inferno of a Saturday night kitchen and take it from there. Have fun, kid!” Did the rooks play ok? Yes, they played mediocre. Not eye-gougingly terrible. Brinkley looked like he was running from a babies momma though on pass plays. Just leave him in to torpedo himself towards the offensive line and we’re fine. Sanford? He tackled some people I think. MAKE HIM THE STARTER!

Childress said the team had a lot different attitude going into this game than it did a week ago in the 30-17 loss to the Cardinals.

“They said ‘we feel like maybe winning today, coach!’”

“We wanted to get him going, but Adrian doesn’t do anything without those offensive linemen,” Childress said. “So I thought those guys did a nice job of knocking around a pretty good front and really being intentional about it, and we were more intentional about the runs we called as well.”

Take a hint then: You should intentionally call runs more, you moron, especially in the red zone when you have one of the bests running backs in football pounding away towards the endzone. “No, no … they’ll expect that. How about … A PASS TO JEFF DUGAN!”

The Vikings had 142 yards rushing and only 180 yards passing, a lower total than in most games for quarterback Brett Favre.

But the most passing yards ever if TarVar were to have started!

“It’s hard to serve two masters,”

… What?

Childress said. “We wanted to establish the run and mix in the pass. Every game is a little bit different, but that’s something we wanted to do because we want to get back on track.

“We feel it’s important to move the ball and, you know, score more points than the other team, usually by converting field goals though.”

Ryan Longwell has one more year on his contract, and the Vikings better sign the best kicker they have ever had, and no doubt one of the best ones in the league.

I DISAGREE AND PRESENT TO YOU GARY ANDERSON.

Longwell might have won the game with his 44-yard kick on the final play of the first half after the Bengals fumbled.

… when the Vikings went up 16-7? GAME OVA! Regardless of the fact that if the Vikings hadn’t scored another point the rest of the game they would have still won 13-10. Whatever. Longwell totally fucking won that game.

“You know when you get a turnover and there’s enough time to try the kick, you certainly want to take advantage of it,” said Longwell, one of the classiest guys ever to wear a Vikings uniform.

Again, I present to you Darrion Scott, Randy Moss, Onterrio Smith, and Mike Morris, the Superstar.

With Henderson out, linebacker Ben Leber, who normally sits in passing situation, played more snaps Sunday than he had played all year.

By that count, it could mean he played a total of six then, correct?

“It felt great to get in there and contribute, making the calls and just making some plays; I mean it felt good to contribute to this win,” Leber said.

“I enjoy playing football instead of watching it!”

And Sid enjoys “writing” articles that are as gripping as wet toilet paper and as enlightening as a Memaw’s bathroom nightlight. DROPPIN KNOWLEDGE!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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