A Shorter List would be things Purple Jesus ISN’T the Best at

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In the wake of Sunday’s BIG WIN over the Detroit Lions, the Vikings have seemingly found a bit of confidence again. The defense appears to be clicking on all cylinders now, and the healthy returns of Chris Cook and Cedric Griffin have paired nicely with the surprisingly safety play of Husain Abdullah to give this team a bit of swagger on the defensive side going into the bye week.

Offensively things have been a bit more of a struggle. While the Vikings were able to score 24 points in week three, easily the highest total of the year, they did so largley in part to Purple Jesus’ big day on the ground. When the dust settled and the panties dried, PJ was responsible for 160 rushing yards, 30 receiving yards, five pregnancies, and two touchdowns. It was the kind of dominant, breakout game that fans, and Purple Jesus himself, had been waiting to see not only this year but through time in 2009 as well. When it finally happened though, there was one person it didn’t surprise …

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In Monday’s Pioneer Press (which we all read online, because fuck you for a subscription fee), Purple Jesus had this to say about his dominant performance and his place in the National Fucking League:

“I know I’m the best,” Peterson said. “In my mind and my heart, I know that and I believe that. That’s really all that matters to me. I really don’t care about other people saying, ‘Oh, I think Chris Johnson is the better back or this and that.’ It doesn’t matter.”

You assholes. Stop telling him shit he already knows. Is Purple Jesus the best running back on the field right now? Of course he is. And he fucking knows it too. You think talk about him eclipsing the 2,000 yard mark is going to shake his knees? Do you think he’s going to go faint at the mentioning of the single season touchdown record? Do you believe he’ll get squirmy when you mention “workhorse”, “lead back”, and “asshole splitter” in once sentence? No, but I will.

Here is a list of things Purple Jesus is already the best at, which of course doesn’t surprise him at all:

- Nailing your mother

- Nailing your sister

- Nailing your dog

- Putting it in your father

- Scoring touchdowns

- Breaking the ankles of safeties across the NFL, including after the games behind the Metrodome in a dark alley with a spiked fucking bat

- Wearing llama fur hats (He looks the best)

- Smoking entire blunts in a single drag

- Drinking an entire bottle of Tabasco sauce without shitting his pants or getting an ulcer

And it just goes on, and on, and on, and … You get the idea. So quit telling him things he already knows, or he’ll come over and double penetrate your butthole by folding his cock twice and THEN putting it in you.

Purple Jesus is BACK baby!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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