Adrian Peterson’s Community Service Wasn’t a Solo Act

After being caught for speeding last fall, Adrian Peterson finally heard the verdict of what his negligent actions has wrought: 16 hours of community service at a local children’s hospital. HOW WILL HE EVER SURVIVE?!? While Peterson was able to skip out on a hefty fee, and while he does enjoy occasional community service, the judge asked him to take a special friend with him for his 16 hours …

Adrian Peterson: Hey kids, it’s Mr. Peterson here! I hope you’re all doing well. I know some of you probably aren’t feeling too great today, since we’re in a hospital and everything, but we’re going to do everything we can to make sure that you enjoy as much of life as you can, ok? If I’ve learned anything throughout my career, it’s that you always have to take the opportunities that life throws at you and make it as positive as you can, ok?

Sick little Timmy: Does that include when you fumble footballs, Mr. Peterson? How do you make that better?

AP: That’s great, kid! I see even when you’re dying you can still make jokes! That’s a great positive attitude. I thought today though we would maybe throw the football around a little bit and talk about …

Dying Johnny: Hey, Mr. Peterson, who’s that guy behind you?

AP: Huh? Oh shi ….

VIKTOR: What’s going on all you little AIDS BABIES, FUCKING YEAH!! Let’s have some GOD DAMN FUN TODAY, huh?!? I just snorted EIGHT KILOS OF WEED out of Childress’ daughter’s ass dimples and am FUCKING FIRED UP to break you all out of this place!

AP: Dammit Viktor, what are you doing here? This is a community service gig, we’re supposed to make these kids feel better about being weird and dying, and you’re busting in here all high? Come on man!

VIKTOR: HEY PETERSON. SHUT THE FUCK UP you minicamp skipping prick! Maybe show up to your job next time without FUCKING SPEEDING and the inbread JUDGE won’t continue to assign MY VELVETY ASS to save you all the time! OK! WHO WANTS TO BUY SOME STRIPPERS?!?

Kids: Yay! We do!

AP: What?! No! You can’t do that! Come on kids, let’s play some games for the day and leave Viktor to try to fondle the nurses in the closets. Maybe once he’s passed out from a fifth of Jack we can take pictures with him too, but NOT until then, ok?

Kids: But we want pictures now!

VIKTOR: HA! Hear that, Fumbalina? THESE KIDS ARE FUCKING AWESOME! Ok. YOU. YOU PUDGY DYING TIME BOMB. Get over here and smile you fat cheeks big for me. Next is you, Gangrene Sally, BUT YOU’RE SITTING ON MY DICK!

AP: Whoa! What the hell, man?! You can’t say that! Listen, I’m calling someone to pick you up, this is out of control. I’ll be right back.

VIKTOR: KEEP RUNNING, PANSY! I’m not worried. You’d have to find a hole to get to the phone first! FUCK HIM. LET’S LET ME SHOW YOU HOW TO USE THESE NEEDLES KIDS!

—– 15 minutes later —–

AP: Alright, Viktor, Ragnar is on his way to get you and he is very upset, both by your actions and that you made him leave his episode of Doctor Phil. You better be ready to … Oh shit …

VIKTOR: YeAh, THESE liTLe fuCK wads just JUMPed me Once wE staRTed ShoOTing some BLAck TAr straIGHT intO theIR rECtums. Can YOU GET me a little HelP here, BUDdy? TheY don’T KNow hoW to PACE THEMsElveS …. OUCH YOU LITTLE ANKLE BITTER! DIE ALREADY!!!


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.