The NFL owners meetings have already wrapped up this week … I guess … And outside of Sean Payton being a whiney little bitch I don’t know what else was really accomplished. Yeah, the playoff overtime rules changed, but only the owners voted on that and it sounds like they have to have another vote on the rule change next month for it to really take effect or something … I don’t know. But none of this is important because us Vikings fans found out something much, much more damning to the 2010 season when watching ESPN interviews with coaches about these rule changes …
Brad Childress has shaved his beard off.
Let me set some clear grounds for this topic. Brad’s Beard (which has spawned it’s own website by some guys I think I’ve chatted with on Twitter who I don’t think prowl school yards and was once featured on Deadspin) is fucking awesome. The beard absolutely MADE Brad Childress. He went from being some wiener looking ass face to a guy that’s got an awesome peppered beard that made him look like he frequents dive bars. Like me! That’s why I like it.
His mustache was a god damn disaster. You’ve seen it before, if not on the sidelines of Vikings games during Childress’ first couple of years than defiantly from afar at your high school sister’s soccer matches or peeping behind a Port-A-Potty during a kick ball game at recess. The mustache is fucking creepy. He most definitely rapes people with that. I mean, literally with the mustache itself. It also makes him look like a school principal, an egg headed NERD that deserves to get shoved in a locker and have his lunch money stolen. I don’t want that coaching my football team.
Brad has occasionally opted for the goatee as well, usually only breaking it out during training camp. He paired it once with a fake wig that made him look like Ian Poulter, and made me want to fist punch his choad monster. The goatee works if you’re name Jeff Reed, but than that also means that you’re probably a douche cake. There are times when I really hate Brad Childress, but not enough to how much I hate goatees.
Finally, and most importantly, the Beard has brought success to the Vikings. Brad wears a beard, we go 12-4 and win a playoff game and almost end up in the Super Bowl. Brad grows the Beard, puts on a little weight, has a 40 year old quarterback make all the coaching decisions for him, and I don’t hate him so much.
Really, it’s that simple. The Beard has to come back. For the fans, for the team and the wins, and most importantly for Brad. He knows he needs it. I know he made a comment once where he said his wife doesn’t like it, but Mrs. Childress? There are bigger things at stake here. But your selfish vagina aside, make some sandwiches, and let Brad get that Beard thick again. We need this.
And if you do, it keeps things a bit warmer when he goes down on you during those Minnesota cold months. I’m just sayin’.