Branding Athletes are Stupid – The Nate Burleson Edition

While it isn’t my forte to write about former Vikings that often, ever since Nate Burleson signed his new ridiculous contract with the Detroit Lions to come back to the NFC North, he has become fair game for ridicule. I openly admit that I enjoyed Burleson and his years as a Viking. He was kind of like a Squid Rice before Squid was drafted and before I realized that, well, no, he wasn’t really like a Squid Rice. If that makes any sense.

I bring him up today though because I’ve slowly been gathering information on athletes that have begun to market themselves, a trend that I think is both annoying and retarded, so much so that it takes this Monday’s headline ahead of me making Chris Hanson jokes about Favre, and starting a Cooking with Chris series. Don’t worry, those will come (twss?). No, today things are much more serious because Nate Burleson decided to show the world how awesome his personalized iPad cover is, and Nate, let me be the first to say … hooboy, that sure is sally lookin’.

There are so many things wrong with this stupid piece of junk I’m not even sure where to begin. Let’s start by looking at the color. I am assuming that the green was chosen in homage to Seattle being “The Emerald City“, however I didn’t know that emerald also meant sparkly and shiny like a Twilight vampire in the sun (so I’ve heard …). And then there’s the Seattle skyline. Listen, Nate, I get it. You sure love your local big city. No problems there. However, have any of you been to Seattle to check out the Space Needle? It fucking sucks. It’s the worst tourist attraction aside from the running faucet in Kaduna, Nigeria. Also, it’s not as big as depicted. It’s like, maybe five stories tall? Ok, so now I might be exaggerating, but I’m clearly closer in my depiction than Nate’s iPad full of LIES!!

The other thing that really grates me about this self promotion is the “N13″ symbol. OOOOOOOOO!! THE 13 LOOKS LIKE A B!! HOW AMAZING! What are you, a 10th grader bored in class? Listen, Burleson, if you weren’t so busy doodling logos in team meetings and bothered to pay attention you probably wouldn’t have gotten cut or dumped or bukkakke’d in Seattle only to end up in Detroit. Try putting that effort into football and you wouldn’t be a shit face.

Finally, why show off your iPad? Are you trying to tell people that you’re rich and better than them? I don’t fucking care, Nate. You’re embarrassing yourself and showing a lack of respect to your fans. “Hey nerds, check our my rich toy I bought myself! I also have enough disposable income to accent it with personalized colors and details! YAY FOR BEING RICH!” Fuck you. Your gold framing looks stupid.

Is this rant petty of me? Probably. But you know what? Go to hell, Nate Burleson. Trust me, once you put out your own “N13″ hats I’ll be sure to chime in with how stupid those look too.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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