But Why Won’t Brett Think of the Fans?

/Combs dyed black hair over one eye and works furiously to pout extra hard

It was a dark, black day yesterday around the entire world. The seas that lap at the soulless cities of the Earth were not as wet as my pillow was all of yesterday afternoon when I heard the most terrible rumor. It was with the soft and hollow collection of archaic letters and symbols that formed together to purposefully break my already small and black heart …

“Brett Favre Announces Retirement”

I was so upset I felt like crying when I first heard he was retiring. And that’s before I even realized the Vikings starter was now Tarvaris Jackson.

/Starts playing AFI album

Oh Vikings! Why do you torture my heart!? Why did you let Brett Favre announce his retirement and destroy my Fall! You know fall is my favorite season? It’s true. There is nothing more beautiful and poetic than watching things die and decay around you, after that nasty, useless Summer sun brings everything to life. It also reminds me that cold, bitter Winter is just around the corner and I can finally light candles around my Brett Favre shrine without my Mom yelling at me. The Fall is also when I can watch organized violence in it’s purest form. Men mashing and killing each other in front of me every week for my own viewing pleasure! It’s glorious! Last year, when EJ Henderson broke his leg? It was the best game I had ever seen! It was made all the better by having Favre act as the lone beacon of light, the single point of Godliness amongst the beasts of the world. It’s exactly like how I view myself amongst my peers at high school. THEY JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!!

/

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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