Let’s get one thing straight here; I want the Vikings to win so god damn much on Sunday that I shake with unbridled anticipation, expectation, and rage at least twice a day that a little poop shoots out occasionally. On Sunday, when the New Orleans Saints become the worst thing to stand in a Viking’s way since a rickety old door in Iceland, I want them to lay down and die. I want their entire team to be humiliated, to suffer great misfortunes, to potentially break a femur somewhere on the roster, and perhaps even have an “accidental” testicle slicing on the field. I will hate them with as much hate as my weak and lazy little heart can muster. And I would feel that about any team the Vikings would face on Sunday. It could some magical way be the exact same Vikings team on the other side of the ball and I’d want their faces to melt. It could be a team comprised of the current players’ moms and I would wish them beheadings with a spoon. But in reality? It’s just the fucking Saints. And that’s the problem.
There’s nothing to hate about the Saints. What, are you going to wish death upon a city that almost drowned alive? Even I’m not low enough to do that, aside from obviously snide and sarcastic hurricane comments that only poke fun at people serious enough to actually make those comments. And Drew Brees? Sure, his pump up thing at the beginning of games is kind of cheesy but I’d love it if I was on his team. Plus he’s like a super nice dude off the field. I would totally love to go to a carnival with him or something. I guess you can hate Sharper, but … meh. That’s such a wash. Hating Sharper at this point is like hating Jersey Shore. So instead of throwing mountains of hate at them, I think PJD has discovered a way to needle at their real major fault; their kindness. Yes, the Saints are too nice. How is that a disadvantage? Well read on fair sirs and madams, where we will tell you several things that we anticipate will happen this Championship Sunday to allow for the Vikings to win the game, all because the Saints are too damn nice …
- With the fourth quarter coming to a close and the Saints holding on to a slim four point margin while the Vikings drive for the winning touchdown, the entire team, stadium, and city will come to a halt when Donte Stallworth hijacks the video boards and pleads with anyone who will listen to come assist in the relief efforts of Haiti. Quick! He has plane waiting right outside! The selfless Saints fans and players immediately drop everything they are doing and board the planes to remake the island, knowing that this Championship game is only a game, while the selfish and cold blooded Vikings stay put and quickly score the winning touchdown to go to the Super Bowl.
- After putting on a passing clinic all day against the Vikings defense, Saints quarterback Drew Brees will notice the forlorn looks upon the Vikings’ defensive backfield’s faces and feel terrible about how selfish he’s been just throwing to his own team members. In an unprecedented meltdown, Brees will end up with 12 interceptions in the fourth quarter allowing the Vikings to make an amazing comeback and win the game. After every interception, Brees will wink at the lucky Vikings defensive recipient and give each one a grand thumbs up.
- On Saturday night when the Vikings arrive to their team hotel, the Saints health and nutrition staff will shoo away the hotel staff cooks and prepare a meal full of protein, carbohydrates, and antioxidants for the Vikings so they are as healthy as they could possibly be for Sunday’s game. Since healthy food is still scarce in the area, the Saints staff will offer the items largely to the guest team and allow only meager helping for their own players. This will be a major disadvantage. No poison will be used, and only bows of appreciation will be seen as they wave the Vikings home after their win saying “Thanks for visiting our wonderful city!”
- Standing outside the gates two hours before game time, thousands of Saints fans will be seen walking around trying to find nervous looking purple clad visitors who may want to watch the game inside of the Superdome. Upon finding these lost souls, the Saints fans will offer a dish of freshly cooked Cajun shrimp as well as their Championship game tickets (50 yard line, 10 rows up, all of them) to the Vikings fans. By game time the Superdome will be filled with roughly 50,000 Vikings fans who end up turning the home field advantage in favor of the Vikings and help them to win the game and head to the Super Bowl.
Those nice bastards. Have any ideas yourself? Put them in the comments.
I do want to mention that halfway through writing this I remembered that I hate several people on the Saints though, so don’t worry. We’ll bring that bitter tasting, Percy Harvin style anger to PJD soon. Jeremy Shockey anyone? Too easy.