The time is quickly approaching where the temperature will drop, your family time will be forgotten, and the dogs can stay inside all day Sunday. Yes, football is a mere (insert countdown clock here) days away! With the season fast approaching it is time to begin previewing the Minnesota Vikings 2010 opponents and assist fans in preparing their unnecessary venom, angst, ridicule, sarcastic and inappropriate comments, and terribly misguided ideas about the opposing team and their fans in a feature we are calling Compiling a Briefcase of Hate for your 2010 Opponents. Today, we look at those who compensate for their small penises, the Dallas Cowboys …
Opponent: The Dallas Cowboys, former Team America, before … I don’t know what happened. ESPN took a vote again and some fat asses in Green Bay stuffed the ballots like it was their gaping maw at a lutefisk dinner. But the Cowboys and their fans are a special breed, a breed of idiots who still don’t like being part of the US of A, who still have a superiority complex because their state is huge, who still have small penises that they compensate for with large houses. Oh, and the Cowboys still haven’t been super relevant in football since their early 90’s Super Bowl run, and until 2009, didn’t win a playoff game for approximately 894 weeks. Also, while their new stadium makes the Taj Mahal look like a homeless shelter, it also is a financial trap akin to Sarah Palin’s vagina. Once you get suckered into it, you leave broken, beaten, poor, and possibly retarded.
Last Seen: Technically, the last time we saw the Cowboys on TV was last Sunday when they played the Bengals in the Hall of Fame game. If you watched it, their pass protection looked similar to the last time the Vikings saw the Cowboys, which was during the Divisional Round of the NFC Playoffs, where Ray Ray ran roughshod all over their slow, stupid, Goliath like offensive line. In both cases, the Dallas offense hasn’t changed much. They’re good for some quick striking offensive plays but apparently forget how to run the ball near the goal line, and I’m going to go out on a limb and suspect that Tony Homo is still Tony Homo. I would trust him slightly more than TarVar, which clearly isn’t a ringing endorsement.
Next Seen: The Cowboys will come galloping into town during the sixth week of the season, and two games after the Vikings bye week in 2010. They are scheduled to play the Vikings at Zygi’s Hood again, which I’m sure will bring back all sorts of nightmares. Also, I’m guessing the fans will be blacked out and thinking that this is deja vu of the playoff game, and if the fans are black out drunk, then you’re going to need some good shit talking material …
I Strongly Dislike: There are so, so, so, so so so so, many things and people to dislike about Texas and the Cowboys that I’m not quite even sure where to begin. But we’ll give it a whirl. As always, feel free to add the person you strongly dislike the most in the comments, because there will be plenty to choose from. It’s almost like a Player Hatin’ Draft!
- Jerry Jones – You’re old, your ugly, your suits look like shit, your sense of entitlement away from the land raping oil fields is nauseating, and your endless pockets of wealth clearly make me jealous that I can’t build a palace for myself. Now, if you were a Jew and in Minnesota I would just call you Zygi Wilf and we’d be cool. But you’re not, and it looks like you have leprosy, and if there is one thing I hate is lepers. STAY AWAY, YOU SOULLESS BEAST!!
- Keith Brookings – First of all, I need to remind people that the most unattractive first name for a man in the English language is Keith. If that is YOUR name, I apologize for you, but you should go get it changed. Also, Keith Brookings likes to think the Vikings play dirty because the Vikings passed on their defense. He thinks the team is classless. No, you know what is classless, Keith? Not putting a paper bag over your head and suffocating yourself so we don’t have to look at your penis head any longer. Classless, and selfish, you dick face.
- Miles Austin – I didn’t think I’d have to start disliking Gollum as much as I apparently have. Not only does he think he’s the next Terrell Owens in Dallas, all five foot three inches of him, but he also thinks he’s the next Reggie Bush bye putting his genitals in Kim Kardashian’s body when Bush has already been there, MULTIPLE times. Just think about that, Austin. Every time you kiss her mouth you’re also kissing a LITTLE bit of Bush. Reggie must have so much smug face going on right now.
- Roy Williams – What is there to LIKE about Roy Williams? First, his talent has never matched up to his production, and it’s reasons like this that make the NFL Draft such a crap shoot. Just be Calvin Johnson already, and there won’t be an issues! Second, you can’t hold on to a football to save your wife from a forceful drowning. Third, your bald head looks stupid. Fourth, you whined your way out of Detroit. Well guess what, asshole, Detroit will probably end up with just as good of a record, so go die already. Idiot!
You Ever Been to Dallas? It is fucking weird. This is another thing I don’t get. People from Texas keep on saying “everything’s bigger in Texas! We do things so much better! We’re great!” Ok, where? San Antonio and … Where? Is it just that your hurricane destruction is greater? Is the horrible urban planning of Houston better than any other city in America? Is the long drive between Fort Worth and Dallas more boring than anywhere else? Are your dilapidated hurricane parking ramps in Dallas more expansive than anywhere else? Congratulations, shit heads, your state and town still suck. It smells, your frontage roads are idiotic, and your downtown looks like a wasteland. I’ve seen better construction in Merida, Mexico. And why are your home prices so low? Because they’re built like shit? Are you just giving away land to Mexicans down there, or what? This isn’t a failed treaty, fellas. Stupid state.
How Dallas Will Get Lasso’ed: As mentioned above, despite their attempts to do so, it clearly doesn’t look like Dallas has done anything to help out with their offensive line. When they’re going up against a defense like the Vikings, that is going to be trouble. Their tackles are slow, and all the Vikings have are burners who are going to breeze by them. On top of that, the one good thing that Dallas did was throw the ball last year, and the one thing that has happened with the Vikings is an improvement to their defensive secondary. I wouldn’t anticipate a blow out loss for Dallas like the playoff game, but I still see them struggling against the Vikings and the rest of their division. On gameday, it’ll be a grind it out, ball control offense against an admittedly good Dallas defense, but if the past is a good indicator of the future, the Vikings will still win out in the end.
Just Give me your Cheerleaders: Seriously though, I’ll trade for them straight up with the Vikings ladies. Can’t hate on you for that.